David Wishart - Parthian Shot

I stood up grinning; if that was the case, then we’d had it and I’d quit while I was temporarily ahead. ‘Well, I’ve got things to do,’ I said. ‘Tell Isidorus that I’ll be round with a full report at some stage, written out in triplicate, and warn him to keep some piles cream and a large set of pliers handy, right? Nice talking to you, Vitellius. I’ll see you out.’

I walked past him and opened the door. He left meek as a lamb. If lambs can clench their teeth.

Perilla was in the atrium with a short, tubby, balding guy I didn’t recognise perched on the visitor’s chair opposite her. Probably one of the literary klatsch dropped in to borrow an anapaest, only he didn’t look too pleased about something. Perilla didn’t look too happy either.

‘Marcus — ’ she said.

‘Yeah. Just a second, lady. I’ll see you around, Vitellius.’ I handed the outgoing consular over to a hovering Bathyllus for disposal. The bugger didn’t even grunt, or even spare Perilla a glance. ‘Now. What is it?’

‘This gentleman is Gaius Minucius Thermus. I found him just about to knock when I got home a few minutes ago. He wants to talk to us about lampreys.’

Oh, shit.

‘Damn right I do!’ The little guy was glaring at me like any moment he’d go for my ankles. ‘Filched from my own fishpond!’

‘Ah,’ I said, lowering myself onto the couch.

‘Well may you say “ah”, Valerius Corvinus! Luckily my bailiff managed to track down the beggar who did it and he confessed who he’d sold them to so we got them back, but all the same — ’

‘Hold on, pal.’ I held up a restraining hand. ‘Let’s get this clear. My chef said he’d bought these lampreys of yours from a sale of bankrupt stock after the master of a friend of his had been killed by a falling tenement.’

Thermus bristled. ‘Do I look bloody dead to you, young man? Or a bankrupt?’

‘Er…’

‘Perhaps, dear,’ Perilla said, ‘before we go any further we’d best get Meton in.’

‘Yeah, right.’ Bathyllus had come back from showing the consular out and he was hovering. ‘Bathyllus, ask Meton if he’d be good enough to step in for a moment, would you?’

‘Good gods, man, if that’s the way you talk to your slaves no wonder they’re running riot!’

Bathyllus ignored him and cleared his throat. ‘I’m afraid Meton has already left, sir,’ he said. ‘I saw him go out by the side door while the ex-consul was boarding his litter.’

‘And you didn’t stop him?’ Thermus opened his eyes so wide his hairline went back another couple of inches. ‘Bloody hell, boy..!’

I winced. No one — no one — calls Bathyllus ‘boy’ and gets away with it. Our major-domo froze like he’d been hit with a dozen Riphaean winters all at once.

‘Ah…that’s all, Bathyllus,’ I said quickly. ‘When Meton does turn up tell him I want to see him, okay?’

‘Yes, sir.’ He gave Thermus a long look that would’ve pickled an entire elephant, sniffed and stalked out. Bugger; if the guy hadn’t been stiffed by a falling brick after all he’d best be careful when he did finally walk out the door.

‘That fellow needs a good thrashing!’ Thermus snapped. ‘And as for that chef of yours — !’

‘So it was your bailiff who removed the basket?’ Perilla said.

‘Yes. The fish were already dead, of course, but fortunately my wife and I entertain frequently and we were giving a dinner party that evening so they weren’t wasted. None the less — ’

I was getting a bit tired of Minucius Thermus. And I didn’t much like being told how to deal with my own slaves, either. Even if Meton was a thrawn, anarchic, unprincipled bugger, he was our thrawn, anarchic, unprincipled bugger. ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Look, pal, as far as I can see it was a genuine mistake, at least on Meton’s part, anyway. He bought them in good faith. Whatever he paid I’ll — ’

‘Genuine mistake! He told you — !’

‘That’s between me and my chef.’ I stood up. ‘Now. I apologise for the inconvenience, but you’ve got your fish back and I’m willing to pay the handling charge over and above. Let’s leave it at that, okay? You say you entertain frequently. How’s your cook with Parthian dishes?’

He looked at me suspiciously. ‘Parthian dishes?’

‘Yeah. They’re all the rage this year at the best dinners, and Meton’s a whizz. Let’s say I lend you the guy the next time you have important friends round. As a sort of goodwill gesture. How would that be?’

‘Hmm. Well, I suppose I might — ’

‘Only you’ve got to remember, you have to crack the whip, right? Stand over the lazy bugger while he’s cooking, personally, I mean, and make sure he does things just exactly as you want them done. And then have him in to the dining room when the meal’s served, so if everything’s not absolutely perfect you or your guests can tell him so there and then.’

‘Marcus, dear — ’ Perilla said quietly. I ignored her.

Thermus was beaming. ‘Now that does sound an absolutely splendid suggestion, sir! If you’re sure then I’ll take you up on it. By coincidence we do have a rather special dinner party arranged for three days’ time: the head of Aqueducts and Sewers and his lady wife. They are most particular about their food. Total sticklers!’ He stood up. ‘Well, we’ll say no more about it. Our house is on Patrician Street, just before the Viminal Gate — everyone knows it — so if you send your boy round then I’d be most obliged. But do have the fellow well thrashed, won’t you? After the dinner, naturally.’

‘Yeah. Yeah, believe me, Meton isn’t going to forget this one in a hurry.’ I stood up too. ‘I’ll see you to the door myself. I think our major-domo may be temporarily unavailable. A pleasure to meet you, Minucius Thermus.’

I waved him off in his litter then came back to the atrium whistling.

‘Marcus, that was dreadful!’ Perilla snapped. ‘The poor man!’

‘Meton or Thermus?’

‘Thermus, of course! How could you do something like that?’

‘They deserve each other.’ I bent down and kissed her, then stretched out on the couch. Time for a cup or two of wine before dinner: no doubt Meton would’ve seen the coast was clear and slipped back in. I was really, really looking forward to telling him about his cooking assignment.

It was good to be shot of the diplomatic world, at least. And you never knew: Thermus might even send us an invite.