Jill Churchill - Silence of the Hams

Neither of them mentioned what was uppermost in her mind.

“That sounds fine," Jane said.

Shelley tooted her horn on the dot of half past two. In the meantime, Jane had cleaned her basement office and found two more overdue library books.

“They'll send the library police for you if you keep doing that," Shelley said with a strained smile. "Mike's not working today, is he?"

“No. Let me turn these in and pay my fines, then we'll talk.”

As they entered the library, a familiar figure was standing at the pay phone by the door. "Oh, Jane! Shelley!" Grace Axton said, hanging up. "I was trying to call you two. Conrad's got another artichoke thing he wants you to test." She indicated the books she was holding under one arm. "Then he's moving into raspberries since they're the currently trendy fruit. What's wrong?"

“Nothing," Jane and Shelley said in unison, then laughed nervously.

“Are you just returning those books?" Grace asked.

“And picking up a couple I had on reserve," Shelley said.

“Okay, I'll wait with you," Grace said. "The raspberries were Sarah's idea," she said happily as Shelley and Jane conducted their business. "She's starting to take more of an interest in the food. I'm starting to wonder if maybe Conrad was right that she was overly tired. Since she's been back from the hospital, I really think there's been a change. Not much. Very subtle. But I don't think I'm imagining it.”

Grace continued to chat as they went back out to their cars. Once under way, Jane said to Shelley, "I don't like this. If Mel sees my car at the deli, he'll think we're snooping or gossiping."

“We'll be in and out so fast there won't be a chance," Shelley said. "I've just remembered an appointment that will make us have to run through."

“I'm parking in back, just in case," Jane said. They followed Grace's car through thealley behind the deli and as they were pulling in to the small parking area, another car came right behind them. Patsy Mallett got out, already talking. "I've been trailing you and honking for three blocks!" she said. "You two must really be preoccupied. I've got some of those food order records I promised to copy for you, Shelley. I was going to drop them in your mailbox, but I saw you pull out of the library and thought — hi, Grace. Were you in front of them? What a parade!"

“We're testing another recipe," Grace said. "Come join us."

“Worse and worse," Shelley whispered to Jane.

Conrad greeted them effusively. "Perfect timing! I just took them out of the oven. Wait until you see these, ladies.”

He escorted them through the kitchen, past the deli cases, and to the seating area, empty now that the lunch hour was well past. Sarah trailed along behind with plates and silverware. Grace brought up the rear with a tray of glasses and a pitcher of iced tea. When they were all settled, Conrad came out with a casserole dish and removed the lid with a flourish. Inside were a half dozen large artichokes, hollowed out and filled with a rich stuffing. They were topped with browned Parmesan cheese with herbs mixed in. The smell was heavenly.

With great formality he placed one on each plate. He was just sitting down himself when the front door opened. Mel VanDyne and two uniformed officers came in. Mel looked over the group at the table and glared for a long moment directly at Jane.

“Hello? We're not open for meals right now," Conrad said. "But if you'd like to come back at five—”

Mel said, "Conrad Baker, I'm arresting you for the murder of Emma Weyrich—”

Conrad stood up, his face darkening. "Sarah, go upstairs," he said in a low, fierce tone.

She stood automatically and started to walk away, then turned and said, very calmly, "No, Conrad.”

Mel was reciting the Miranda warning. "Do you understand?" he finished.

“Yes, yes. But this is all a mistake. You can't arrest me. I haven't done anything. Sarah, I said to go upstairs!”

He started to move toward her, and the larger of the uniformed officers glided into his path and took his arm. "No, sir. You're coming with us.”

Grace had gotten up from the table and gone to Sarah. Jane, afraid to meet Mel's disapproving gaze, looked at them instead. Sarah seemed suddenly taller. Sturdier. And for the first time, Jane could see a resemblance between the sisters.22 The next four hours were hectic. Mel and one officer took Conrad away. Sarah and Grace were asked to come along in the second police car for questioning.

Grace looked as if she'd been hit in the stomach. "Ladies, I'm going to have to lock up," she said tentatively.

Patsy, ever practical, asked, "Who's going to cook dinner? Surely you have orders to fill and people will be coming to eat here in another two hours."

“We'll just have to close down for the day," Grace said. "Probably close down entirely."

“No!" Sarah said firmly. "No, we're not closing. This is ours, Grace — yours and mine — and we're not crumpling up and throwing it away as if it's nothing!”

Jane, Shelley, Patsy, and Grace all stared at Sarah as if she'd suddenly turned into an alien life form.

Shelley was the first to recover. "Then we'll stay and take care of things. The recipes are written down somewhere, aren't they? Jane, you call Mike and get him in here to help us find everything. Patsy, report to your family what's become of you and then call mine, too, if you don't mind.”

Grace was the one looking confused and fragile for a change. "Conrad? Conrad killed that woman? But why? I don't understand."

“I'll tell you all about it, Grace," Sarah said. "There's all the time in the world now." Suddenly her shoulders started shaking and she put her face in her hands, sobbing, "Oh, God! I'm free.”

Shelley, in brisk mode, said, "Grace, we'll take care of everything here. Don't forget your purse. Here it is. Go along now.”

The second officer escorted them out the front door. Patsy looked at Jane. "I don't understand any of this!"

“I'll explain—" Jane began.

“Jane!" Shelley called over her shoulder as she headed for the kitchen, walking hard on her heels. "Have you made your phone call yet? There's no time for talk now. We have to fix dinner for about fifty people. Patsy, with all due respect, you aren't allowed near the food preparation."

“I waitressed all through college. I carry plates very well. Maybe I'll get one of mydaughters to hunt in the attic for my old fishnet stockings and short skirt." They all burst into laughter at this idea.

They concocted a flimsy story about Grace, Sarah, and Conrad being called away suddenly on a family matter, and cut the menu in half, eliminating the more difficult dishes. Mike came through like a trouper, calling in another friend to help Scott with the deliveries while Mike himself took all the carry-out orders, packed them, and assigned delivery routes. Patsy's waitressing skills came back to her "like riding a bicycle," as she said. Shelley did the cooking and Jane got stuck with the dishwashing and vegetable peeling.

“Lot of good it does me to be the boss's best friend," she grumbled.

By seven-thirty, they'd locked the door behind the last diners and collapsed around the small kitchen table to eat leftovers. Mike excused himself with dire remarks about having to work on his day off and how he expected to be paid at least double. The women agreed that he'd been well worth double his salary, whatever it might be.

“So what is all this about!" Patsy said.

Jane washed down the last of her sandwich with a big gulp of coffee. "It all came together when I went through the trash from Mike's car," she said. "He'd come in to work Saturday and picked up stuff from the front side‑ walk. Among other things there was an old newspaper clipping. About Sarah and Conrad's baby. I don't remember the exact wording, but the gist of the article was the background of the child's accident, his terrible affliction, and the fact that the parents wanted the life support removed. The local judge had been assumed to be sympathetic to that philosophy, but word had gotten out in the community and a citizens' group had been formed to protest any such judgment. The article mentioned that the citizens' group had been put together and was headed by 'local attorney and civic activist' Robert Stonecipher.”