Donald Westlake - The Hot Rock

Dortmunder got to his feet. "Be seeing you."

"Keep up the good work," Steen said. "Keep away from those bad companions."

"I'll do that," Dortmunder said and went home, and they were all sitting around his living room, drinking his booze. He shut the door and said, "Who let you birds in?"

"I did," said Chefwick. "I hope you don't mind." He was drinking ginger ale.

"Why should I mind?" Dortmunder said. "It isn't like it's a private apartment or anything."

"We wanted to talk to you," Kelp said. He was drinking Dortmunder's bourbon, and he held out a glass of the stuff, saying, "I brought out a glass for you."

Dortmunder took it and said, "I'm not breaking into any insane asylum. You people want to, you probably ought to be there anyway, so go right ahead." He turned toward his favorite chair, but Greenwood was sprawled all over it, so he sat in the uncomfortable chair with the wooden arms instead.

Kelp said, "All the rest of us are in it, Dortmunder. Everybody's willing to give it one more try except you."

Greenwood said, "We wish you'd come in with us."

"What do you need me for? Do it without me, you've got four men."

Kelp said, "You're the planner, Dortmunder, you're the organizer. We need you to run things."

Dortmunder said, "You could do it yourself. Or Greenwood. Chefwick could do it. I don't know, maybe even Murch could do it."

Murch said, "Not as good as you."

"You don't need me," Dortmunder said. "Besides, I been warned away from bad companions, and that means you bunch."

Kelp waved his hands in negation. "That horoscope stuff doesn't mean a thing," he said. "I got hooked on that stuff once, my second wife was a nut for all that. The only fall I ever took, I did what the horoscope told me."

Dortmunder frowned at him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Horoscope," Kelp explained. He moved his hands like a man shuffling jigsaw puzzle pieces. "Bad companions," he said. "Tall dark trips. Afternoon is good for business marriages. All that stuff."

Dortmunder squinted, trying to see Kelp clearly enough to understand him. Finally he said, in some doubt, "You mean horoscope?"

"Sure," Kelp said. "Naturally."

Dortmunder shook his head, still trying to understand. "You believe in horoscopes?"

"No," Kelp said. "You do."

Dortmunder thought about that for a few seconds, then nodded heavily and said to the room at large, "I hope you guys'll be very happy here. I'll let you know where to send my stuff." He turned and headed for the door.

Kelp said, "Hey! Wait a second!"

Chefwick came up off his chair and ran around in front of Dortmunder. "I understand how you feel," he said. "Honestly I do. At first, when Kelp and Greenwood came out to see me, I had the same attitude as you. But I listened, I let them explain it to me, and when they did-"

"That was where you made your mistake," Dortmunder told him. "Never listen to those two, they've turned all of life into a quick game of smack."

"Dortmunder," Chefwick said, "we need you. It's as simple as that. With you running things we can get this job done once and for all."

Dortmunder looked at him. "Job? Jobs, you mean. Do you realize we've already pulled three heists for that stinking emerald, and we still don't have it? And no matter how many heists we pull, our take is still the same."

Greenwood had come over now to the door, where Chefwick and Dortmunder were standing, and he said, "No, it isn't. At first it was thirty a man, and then for the police station it went up to thirty-five."

Kelp came over too, saying, "And the Major will go up again, Dortmunder, I already talked to him. Another five thousand a man. That's forty gee for walking into an insane asylum and walking back out with crazy-like-a-fox Prosker."

Dortmunder turned to him. "No, it isn't," he said. "That would be the fourth heist, and that one's a kidnapping, which is a Federal offense and they can give you the chair for it. But even just talking economics, that's the fourth heist, and four heists for forty grand is ten thousand dollars a caper, and I haven't worked a job for ten grand since I was fourteen years old."

Kelp said, "You gotta think about the living expenses too. That's another couple grand, by the time we're done. Twelve thousand dollars isn't all that bad for a heist."

"It's a jinx," Dortmunder said. "Don't give me any more horoscope stuff, all I'm saying is I'm not superstitious and I don't believe in jinxes, but there's one jinx in the world and that emerald is it."

Greenwood said, "Just look at it, Dortmunder. Just go out on the train and look at it, that's all we ask. If it doesn't look good to you, we'll forget it."

"It doesn't look good to me," Dortmunder said.

Greenwood said, "How do you know? You haven't even seen it yet."

"I don't have to," Dortmunder said. "I already know I hate it." He spread his hands. "Why don't you people just go do it yourselves? Or you need five men, get somebody else. You can even use my phone."

Chefwick said, "I think we should put our cards on the table."

Greenwood shrugged. "I suppose so," he said.

Murch, the only one still seated and still sipping away at his beer, called, "I told you that in the first place."

Kelp said, "I just didn't want to put pressure on him like that, that's all."

Dortmunder, looking around at everybody with grim suspicion, said, "What now?"

Chefwick told him, "Iko won't finance us without you."

Greenwood said, "He's sold on you, Dortmunder, he knows you're the best man around."

"God damn it," said Dortmunder.

Kelp said, "All we want you to do is look at it. After that, if you say no go, we won't bother you any more."

"We could take the train up there tomorrow," Greenwood said.

"If you're willing," Chefwick said.

They all stood there and watched Dortmunder and waited for him to say something. He glowered at the floor and chewed his knuckle and after a while walked through them and back over to the table where he'd put down his bourbon. He picked it up, and took a healthy swallow, and turned around to look at them all.

Greenwood said, "You'll go take a look at the place?"

"I suppose so," Dortmunder said. He didn't sound happy.

Everybody else was happy. "That's great!" Kelp said.

"It'll give me a chance to get my head examined," Dortmunder said and finished his bourbon.

"Tickets," said the conductor.

"Air," said Dortmunder.

The conductor stood in the aisle with his punch poised. He said, "What?"

"There's no air in this car," Dortmunder told him. "The windows won't open and there isn't any air."

"You're right," the conductor said. "Could I have your tickets?"

"Could we have some air?"

"Don't ask me," said the conductor. "The railroad guarantees transportation, pick you up here, put you down there. The railroad isn't in the air business. I need your tickets."

"I need air," Dortmunder said.

"You could get off the train at the next stop," the conductor said. "Lots of air on the platform."

Kelp, sitting next to Dortmunder, tugged his sleeve and said, "Forget it. You're not gonna get anywhere."

Dortmunder looked at the conductor's face and saw that Kelp was right. He shrugged and handed over his ticket, and Kelp did the same, and the conductor made holes in them before giving them back. Then he did the same for Murch, across the aisle, and for Greenwood and Chefwick in the next seat back. Since the five were the only occupants of this car, the conductor then strolled slowly down the aisle and out the far end, leaving them once again alone.

Kelp said, "You never get any satisfaction from those union types."

"Sure," said Dortmunder. He looked around and said, "Anybody carrying?"