Spencer Quinn - A Fistful of Collars

“Making you not responsible?”

“Legally, right?” He gave Bernie a challenging sort of look.

“Your nightmares tell a different story,” Bernie said.

Thad hung his head. At that moment, I felt something soft move against me. I looked down, and there was Brando lying at my side, curling around my back legs. The feeling wasn’t the worst in the world.

“Whose idea was it to dump April behind the Flower Mart?” Bernie said.

Thad winced. “Jiggs’s,” he said. “It was meant to be… misleading, I guess you’d say.”

“I guess.”

“After that, we… we cleaned up the place, and Jiggs drove me to LA. He decided to stay when we got there. His old man didn’t care.”

“What happened to the knife?”

Thad shivered like it was cold, even though the AC wasn’t nearly as cranked up as it often is in Valley houses. “Jiggs cleaned it and put it back in the kitchen drawer.”

Bernie nodded like that made sense. “You got away with murder,” he said.

“I sure don’t feel like it,” Thad said.

“You’re too sensitive,” said Bernie.

Thad turned red.

“When did the blackmailing start?”

“How do you know about that?”

“Everything comes out eventually,” Bernie said. “In the real world,” he added.

“Christ, stop,” said Thad. “Just stop tormenting me. I already confessed. And I’ll tell you something-the only reason I took this pissy role was because of the location. My subconscious wanted to come back here, to-I don’t know-make things right.”

“By killing the blackmailer?” Bernie said.

“Huh?”

“Come on,” Bernie said. “You don’t know who was blackmailing you?”

“Of course I do,” said Thad. “It was this old boyfriend of April’s, Manny something, and a gangster pal of his. I kind of remember April mentioning she dumped him, but it turned out he was stalking her. He saw us that morning through the window.”

“How do you know?”

“Because they dropped in on me unannounced not long after Ninety-nine and Forty-four One Hundredths came out.”

“What’s that?” Bernie said.

Thad looked surprised. “My first film,” he said. “They wanted seventy-five grand, one time only. We paid, but of course it hasn’t been one time only.”

“When did you last see Manny?”

“That was it. The one time.”

“And his pal?”

“The same.”

“The pal’s name?”

“Ramon Cardinal, a real dangerous guy. Jiggs deals with Manny.”

“Heard any recent news about Manny?” Bernie said.

“Jiggs made a payment last week, if that’s what you mean by news.”

“And he found Manny in good health?”

“What are you saying?”

Bernie gave Thad a long look. “Nothing,” he said.

There was a silence. It went on for a while. Finally, Thad said, “Now what?”

Bernie didn’t answer. He was having thoughts, but maybe Thad was missing that.

“If it can be done discreetly, I’d appreciate it,” Thad said. “Not for me. For the others.”

Bernie snapped out of it. “What the hell are you talking about?” he said.

“Taking me in, booking me, all the procedures.”

“They can wait,” Bernie said.

Thad’s head came up so he was sort of looking down his nose at Bernie, something Bernie was not fond of, not one bit. “Why do I always miss the obvious?” Thad said. “You’re blackmailing me, too.”

Bernie didn’t punch Thad, exactly; it was more like he put his hand on Thad’s forehead and pushed him down on the pillows.

“Let’s go, big guy,” Bernie said.

“You’re leaving?” Thad said.

“Where can you hide?” said Bernie.

I stepped carefully over Brando. He seemed to be asleep, but also purring softly. We walked through the sitting area. The bathroom door was still closed. Felicity stood right on the other side of it. I could hear her breathing.

We went outside and got a bad surprise: no Jiggs. The whole passenger door of the Porsche-meaning my door, although I seldom used it, preferring to hop over on my way in and out-was missing, ripped right out. Bernie glanced around real quick, and leaned into the car, opening the glove box and taking out the. 38 Special. I loved the. 38 Special, the sight, the sound, the smell, everything; Bernie was a crack shot, in case that hasn’t come up yet. Coke bottles on a fence rail? Smithereens!

I could almost hear those smithereens, in fact, got a bit distracted by their almost sound, meaning I just about missed a scared cry coming from the direction of the helipad, the cry of a voice I knew. It was Leda.

“Chet? What are you growling about?” And then Bernie heard it, too, and we took off toward the helipad. Parked on the other side of the chopper was Leda’s big silver minivan. Leda and Charlie were outside the van, but not together. In between stood Jiggs, one arm still cuffed to our door, now hanging down to the ground. His other arm was sort of around Charlie’s shoulder, like they were pals. Leda was trying to get to Charlie, but Jiggs blocked her with his huge body.

“What are you doing?” she screamed. “Let him go.”

“Back the hell off,” said Jiggs.

Bernie raised the. 38. “Freeze.”

They all whipped around toward us. Leda and Charlie actually did freeze, although I was pretty sure Bernie hadn’t meant them. He’d meant Jiggs, and Jiggs was the one who didn’t freeze. Instead, he yanked Charlie in front of him and curled his enormous arm around Charlie’s little neck.

“Drop the gun,” Jiggs said, but Bernie already had; it clattered on the helipad pavement.

“Hands up behind your head,” Jiggs said.

Bernie put his hands behind his head. At the same time he made this quick tiny whistling sound, more like just air, fwwt fwwt. Fwwt fwwt? Was that something we’d been working on? I tried to remember.

Meanwhile, Leda was calling out to Bernie, “Bernie, Bernie, do something.” And Jiggs was saying, “Shut your goddamn mouth.” And Charlie had turned white and was starting to cry. I saw red, and just as I saw red, remembered what fwwt fwwt meant, or almost, something about sidling around and coming up on the perp from behind and then getting lots of treats; but too late for any of that. Jiggs was making Charlie cry? I saw red, really saw it, the whole world smeared over with bloody red, even if Bernie says I can’t be trusted when it comes to colors.

Way too late for fwwt fwwt: I was already on the move, across the helipad on the first bound and launched on the second. Jiggs saw me coming, his eyes opening wide, and started to raise Charlie right off the ground, trying to turn my Charlie into a shield. But Charlie struggled-what a kid! — and Jiggs had to grab him with his other hand, and that meant dealing with the car door, and then: KA-BOOM! I hit Jiggs full in the face, both paws stretched out to the max. Jiggs cried out in fear and pain, and began toppling backward, losing his grip on Charlie. That cry of Jiggs’s sent a thrill right through me, from nose to tail and back. I wanted nothing more than to hear it again.

But I didn’t hear it again, because in what seemed like no time I had Jiggs by the throat, and no human does much screaming in that situation, not in my experience. Why the throat? Hard to explain: it’s just one of those things we in the nation within know how to do when it needs doing. Terror: not something you often saw in the eyes of a dude the size of Jiggs, but there it was, out in the open and unmistakable. I stopped seeing red.

“Easy, easy, big guy.” Bernie was at my side, his voice low and strangely thick, like there was something wrong with his own throat.

I was already taking it easy, sort of. Had there ever even been a question of actually biting? The truth was I hadn’t broken skin, or hardly at all.