William Johnston: Get Smart!

They came to an impressive door marked: PRESIDENT

(Just Named to the Post Today)

“Inside,” Harry said.

They entered. Seated at a desk in a small reception area was a gorgeous brunette who looked remarkably like Noel.

“Two tourists and a dog to see the new president for purposes of identification,” Harry said to the girl.

“Rorff!”

“Okay, okay,” Harry said. To the receptionist, he said, “Make that three tourists, no dog.”

Max bent over to Noel. “So we meet again,” he said slyly.

She lowered her eyes, smiling girlishly. “You remember…”

“I never forget a summer,” Max said.

Noel spoke to Bert and Harry. “You two can go now. The new president, just named to the post today, will handle this.”

“Yes’m.” They departed.

Rising, Noel hooked a thumb toward another door, which was marked FRED

“Inside,” she said.

Max led the way. He opened the door, then halted. Seated at a large, ornately-carved desk was a robot-like computer with a lever at his side.

“The resemblance is absolutely amazing!” Max said.

Blossom edged past him. “Fred!” she cried.

Max’s mouth fell open. “You don’t mean-”

“That’s my Fred!” Blossom said. Then, suddenly not so sure, she said, “Aren’t you, Fred?”

Fred’s arm came up. His nickel dropped into the slot. “Peep-a-dotta, poop-a-dotta, dippa-dotta-boop!” The lemons came up. He spoke.

“Hiya, gang.”

Blossom ran to him, embraced him. “Fred… my poor Fred!”

“Poor Fred!” Max said. “He happens to be president of T. C. amp; S., that’s all.” He moved closer to Fred. “How did you do it, boy?”

“I rose through the ranks,” Fred replied. “It took me all afternoon practically, but I did it. I demonstrated that I know more about computers than anyone else on the staff.”

“That makes sense,” Max nodded.

“He weel not be president long, however,” Noel said. “I am only waiting for nightfall. Then I weel take heem weeth me to zee land of love.”

“We’ll see about that!” Max said meaningfully.

“Who can offer him more than love, romance?” Noel smiled.

“It just so happens,” Max said, addressing Fred, “that I am authorized to offer you cash. What’s your answer to that?”

“Man who talks about cash but doesn’t say how much is about as much use to computer as bum transistor,” Fred replied.

“I intended to get to that-the amount,” Max said. “What would you say to twelve dollars and eighty-six cents?”

“I offer you love and romance unlimited,” Noel said.

“Yes, but try putting that in the bank and drawing interest,” Max countered. “With twelve dollars and eighty-six cents, on the other hand, put it in a savings account and within ten or twelve years or so you can run it up to thirteen dollars. Put that in your mechanism and digest it!”

Fred’s gears ground. Then came the reply. “Pooey!”

“Is that yes or no?” Max asked.

“I think you’re both horrid,” Blossom said. “Fred has all that you’re offering him, anyway. Love-why, as president of a big company, I’m sure his employees just adore him. And money. With his job, I’m sure he makes at least twelve dollars and eighty-six cents.” She turned to the robot. “Isn’t that right, Fred?”

“True,” Fred said. “But there are other considerations. For one, I don’t think I’m cut out for a career in business. As Charlie Chan says, ‘Man who always breathes in, and never out, should not go near the water.’ ”

“I’m not sure I get the connection,” Max said.

“I’m not in my element here,” Fred explained. “Do you know what these people are doing with these computers they’re building? They’re selling them!”

“That’s the business,” Max said.

“But selling them! As if they were so many machines! I had a very unfortunate experience with the practice earlier this afternoon. I met a cute little computer in the Assets Receivable Department. We made a date for later. Then suddenly she was sold. Bartered off like some inhuman contraption to a department store chain. It opened my eyes!”

“Enough of this chitter-chatter!” Noel said. “If you are not interested in love, then-”

She was interrupted as the door suddenly burst open. Boris charged in.

“Stuck ’em up!” Boris commanded.

“You forgot one little thing,” Max pointed out. “You didn’t draw your gun.”

Boris looked at his empty hand. “An honest mistake,” he said. “I meant to draw it.” He began going through his pockets. “It was right here a minute ago. Let’s see, I had it when I forced that elevator starter to reveal the whereabouts of Fred. Where did I go from there? Oh, yes, I met the tour director. But did I use it on him or not? No. I wanted to conceal it from him. He looked like the nervous type. So I-Ah, yes…” He produced the gun from the handkerchief pocket of his jacket. “Stuck ’em up!” he commanded again.

“Au contraire!” Noel said, drawing her own gun and pointing it at Boris. “You stuck ’em up!”

“Not so fast!” Max said, drawing his gun and aiming it at Noel. “If anybody’s going to stuck ’em up, it’s you!”

They stood fixed. Boris with his gun on Noel, Noel with her gun on Boris, and Max with his gun on Noel.

“Your move,” Max said to Blossom.

“Gee, I’m sorry. I don’t have a gun.”

“Send out for one,” Max said. “And hurry. As it is, nobody can make a move. We could be here for weeks!”

“It looks like a stand-off,” Fred said. “Which leaves me free to go.”

“Would you mind telling us where you’re going?” Max said. “I’m a little tired of chasing all over the city without a clue to where I’m going.”

“Yes-I’ve made my decision,” Fred said.

“Which is it?” Noel said. “Love?”

“Or cash?” Max said.

“Hold it!” Boris said. “I haven’t yet made my final offer. Come with me, Fred. I will see to it that you are awarded the highest honor of the land. My government will make you a Worker First Class. At the beginning, you get a little tin medal. But after fifty years you can retire with a gold watch. Think about it! Where can you buy a gold watch for love or money?”

“Any jewelers,” Fred said.

“I retract my previous statement,” Boris said. “Don’t think about it.”

“I can’t help but think about It,” Fred said. “Thinking is the thing I do. And, after serious thought, I have decided-”

“Yes?” Noel said.

“I have decided to cast my lot with love,” Fred said.

Noel smiled. “I’m not surprised. There’s one born every minute.”

“Look,” Max said, “before you make a final final decision, I’d like to raise my offer to a full thirteen dollars.”

“I will do even better than that,” Boris said. “A tin medal, a gold watch, and three weeks vacation every year in Siberia.”

Fred shook his head. “Love it Is,” he said.

Noel lowered her gun. “Gome along, darling.”

“Not that kind of love,” Fred said. “I was referring to Universal Love.”

“Universal, unischmersal,” Noel said. “We got all kinds.”

“No,” Fred said. “I’m returning to the U.N. I should have stayed there in the first place. It needs me. There, I can work not for one nation, but for all nations. All that are paid-up members, anyway.”

“Dirty capitalist trick,” Boris grumbled.

“You know,” Max said, “if you look at it in the right light, this way, we all win. Fred will be working for all of us. All of us who are paid-up, that is.”

“Dirty capitalist trick,” Boris grumbled again.

Noel shrugged. “Well, you can’t win ’em all.”