William Johnston: Get Smart!

Max eyed him narrowly. “You say you intend to destroy the U.N. Building… just how do you intend to do it, may I ask?”

“Simple. With one torpedo.”

“You’ll never get away with it!” Max snapped.

“And why not?”

“Because you’re a Bad Guy, and Bad Guys never win!”

“Ho-ho!” Captain 49 laughed. “We shall see about that! Come. I will show you my torpedo tube. Perhaps then you will change your mind.”

Captain 49 led them through the submarine to a forward compartment. “This is my torpedo tube,” he said, reaching there. “And this,” he said, pointing to a torpedo-like object, “is my torpedo.”

“I see,” Max said reflectively. “And what time is Zero Hour?”

“Seventeen-hundred hours,” Captain 49 replied. “Exactly what time is that?”

“Oh… around five-ish.”

“That gives me only fifteen minutes to abort your mission,” Max said. “You were right-this will truly be a test of wits!”

“Yes,” Captain 49 smiled, “since you will now be bound and gagged and locked in my cabin.” He spoke into the intercom again. “This is the captain speaking. Send a guard forward to pick up three prisoners.”

The voice replied. “Where is ‘forward,’ Captain?”

“Up front, you numbskull!”

“Yah, yah, yah! I suppose you know everything!” the voice sneered.

“Aiiiiiii-yi-yi!”

A seaman appeared a few moments later. He led Max, Blossom and Fang to the Captain’s cabin, then bound them with rope and gagged them.

The minute he was gone, Max said, “Mmmmmmph!”

“Blfgplemlph!” Blossom answered irritably.

“Rorff!” Fang barked. The seaman had neglected to gag him.

“Prgaphooft!” Max said to Fang.

Instantly, Fang began chewing on the knot at his paws. A second later, he had it undone. Next, he removed the gag from Max’s mouth.

“I knew that knot would be a cinch,” Max said, struggling against his ropes.

Fang removed Blossom’s gag. “How? How did you know?” she said.

“The efficiency of the seamen aboard this junk is appalling,” Max said. “I knew they wouldn’t be very good at knots. Now,” he said to Fang, “Come over here and untie me.”

In less than a minute, both Max and Blossom were free again.

Max rushed to the cabin door. But it was locked.

“Stand back!” he said. “I’m going to break it down!”

“But Max-”

Blossom’s protest was too late. Max was already hurtling toward the door. He hit it! And bounced back a good ten feet, landing in a sprawled position on the floor.

“That door is made of steel!” Blossom said. “That’s what I was trying to tell you!”

“Hard steel, too,” Max said painfully, rising.

“We’re lost!” Blossom cried.

“Not yet, we aren’t,” Max said. “I still have my wits.” He picked up the intercom transmitter and spoke into it. “Attention! Captain 49 is wanted in his cabin! The prisoners are ready to talk!”

“Talk what?” Blossom said. “He didn’t even ask us anything.”

“If I know my FLAG agents, he’ll be in here like a shot,” Max said. “They’re nosy, the whole lot of them. Just let them hear that somebody somewhere is ready to talk, and you couldn’t keep them away with a team of horses. Curiosity, I guess.”

There was a sound at the door, then suddenly it flew open.

Captain 49 rushed in. “Who? Who? Who?” he said. “Who said what?”

“I said it,” Max replied. “I said, ‘Your number’s up, 49!’ ”

And, so saying, Max grasped 49 by the wrist, and, using his favorite jujitsu grip, flung him back over his shoulder. Captain 49 struck the wall, and slid to the floor, unconscious.

“Quick-to the torpedo room,” Max said. “We’ve only minutes to spare!”

They dashed from the Captain’s cabin, rushed through the tunnel-like corridors of the sub, and, minutes later, reached the torpedo room. Fortunately, there was no guard at the hatch.

“Inside,” Max said, beckoning to Blossom and Fang.

“Now what?” Blossom said.

“That torpedo!” Max said. “First, we’ll behead it!”

“Behead it?”

“I’m not sure what the technical term is,” Max said. “What I mean is, we’ll take the explosive charge off the front end.”

“Oh… disarm it, you mean.”

“Which just goes to show how little you know about it,” Max said. “Whoever heard of putting the explosive in the arm-it’s in the head!”

“Rorff!”

“Fang is right,” Max said. “We can discuss terminology later. Right now, there’s a job to be done.” He approached the front end of the torpedo. “Anybody had any experience with these things? I saw a guy do this in a movie once-but he flubbed it and blew the whole sub to smithereens.”

“That part there-the part that looks like a chocolate cream-I think that’s where the explosive is,” Blossom said. “I think you unscrew it. I saw that in a movie, too.”

“And what happened?” Max said.

She looked suddenly downcast. “I guess it was the same movie,” she said.

“Rorff!”

“Oh, was that it?” Max said.

“What did he say?”

“He said the mistake the guy in the movie made was, he unscrewed it clockwise, when he should have unscrewed it counterclockwise. Fang tried to tell him that during the movie, but the guy wouldn’t listen.”

“Hurry!” Blossom said.

Max began unscrewing the head of the torpedo-counterclockwise. After a few seconds it came loose. Gingerly, he placed it on the floor. “Now then, which part is the explosive?” he said.

“That part that says DANGER?” Blossom suggested.

“Who knows?” Max said. “This is a foreign torpedo-DANGER might mean PRIVATE.”

“Can’t we just leave the whole head off?”

“Somebody would be bound to notice. No, we’ll take a chance and leave out this DANGER part. It stands to reason that even if DANGER means PRIVATE, it’s still the explosive. Nobody wants anybody fooling around with their explosive.”

“Will you hurry!” Blossom said.

“Easy does it. You don’t make a mistake with these things twice.”

Cautiously and carefully, Max removed the section labeled DANGER. Step by wary step he moved away from the torpedo, then dumped the part into a wastebasket.

“I hope nobody drops a lighted cigarette in there,” he said, returning.

“Now, what about us?” Blossom said.

“We’re leaving the sub,” Max said. “Crawl in.”

“In? In where?”

“Into the torpedo,” Max said. “It’s our passage to freedom. When they fire the torpedo, they’ll shoot us out with it.”

“But it looks so cramped!”

“Rorff!”

Max chuckled. “Very good, Fang.”

“What say?”

“He said it’ll be just like riding the subway. Get it? Under water, submarine, subway.”

Blossom groaned. “Ladies first, I suppose,” she said.

“That’s the American way,” Max replied.

Blossom slid into the torpedo, feet first. Fang crawled in next. Then Max followed, and, from inside, replaced the torpedo head.

“I see by my radium dial that it’s close to five-ish,” Max said. “Something should happen soon.”

A few seconds later, they heard voices. They recognized the voice of Captain 49.

“Are we ready to fire, Captain?” asked a seaman.

“Shoot, shoot, I don’t care,” Captain 49 said, sounding sick. “I’ve got a splitting headache.”

The trio inside the torpedo felt it being lifted, then slipped into the tube.

“You-what are you doing there!” they heard the Captain growl.

“Just lighting up, Captain,” another voice said.

“No smoking around a torpedo!” the Captain said. “Throw that cigarette out!”