William Johnston: Get Smart Once Again!

Max stiffened. “You mean-”

“Yes, Max. KAOS’s top agent-I. M. Noman!”

Peaches sat up, alarmed. “Who is that?”

“The Chief just explained that,” Max said. “He’s KAOS’s top agent.”

“Yes, but why are you both so concerned?”

“Because Noman is our most dangerous adversary,” the Chief explained. “You see, some years ago, by means of plastic surgery, I. M. Noman had himself fitted out with an India rubber face. And now he can assume any identity he chooses.”

“In other words, he can make himself look like anybody he wants to,” Max said. “In fact, for all we know, you might be Noman.”

“I doubt that, Max,” the Chief said. “Noman can do wonders with his face, but-” He glanced toward Peaches. “-he couldn’t manage to do that with his body.”

“I would accept that, Chief,” Max said, “except that, for all I know, you might be Noman, covering up for Peaches, who, in fact, might be Noman, covering up for- No, come to think of it, that’s unlikely, isn’t it?”

“Unless, of course,” the Chief said, “you happen to be Noman, Max. If you were Noman, you might be trying to confuse us by implying that we were Noman. It would-” He shook his head. “No, for the sake of sanity, let’s assume that none of us is Noman.”

“That’s a safe assumption,” Max said. “Noman could never infiltrate Control headquarters.”

“Max, he has already done it. Three of our personnel have been liquidated. And that can mean only one thing-Noman is here!”

“Gee, that’s too bad, Chief. Who did we lose?”

“29, 34 and 48?.”

“48? Chief?”

“You knew him as 48, Max. But he was taking his exam for promotion. And he had passed the first half of it. If all had gone well, he would have become 49.” Max shook his head sadly. “Poor 48?. Little did he know that his days were numbered.”

“If you know that Noman is here, can’t you stop him?” Peaches said. “Call all of your people together, and the odd one will be Noman.”

“No, the odd one will be 73,” Max said. “73 has two left feet.”

“You know what I mean, don’t you?” Peaches said to the Chief.

“I know what you mean,” he replied. “But it wouldn’t work. Noman would simply assume the identity of one of our regular people. He could be anybody.”

“With the exception of 73,” Max pointed out. “It takes more than a putty face to feign two left feet.”

“No, our only chance is to remove the Dooms Day Plan from the premises,” the Chief said. “As long as the plan is at headquarters, both the plan and headquarters are in danger.”

“In other words,” Max said, “we have to get the plan out of headquarters.”

“Exactly, Max. And that’s where you come in. I want you to take the plan, Max, and run!”

Max shook his head. “That won’t work, Chief. I wouldn’t get any further than the corner. I get winded quickly.”

“No, Max. When I say ‘run,’ I don’t mean that literally. What I mean is, I want you to take the plan and leave the building and keep going. Where you go isn’t important. What is important is that you keep moving-and fast, so that Noman will have no chance of catching you.”

“I see. In other words, you want me to take the plan and run!”

“Yes, Max, that’s what I had in mind. You will become a fugitive, chased, no doubt, by Noman.”

“Uh, Chief, will it be all right if I stop by headquarters again around Christmas time? I’d hate to miss the annual office party.”

“I hope you won’t have to be gone that long, Max. Peaches will accompany you. And, while you’re running, Peaches will attempt to break the code. As soon as she has deciphered the words, and we know the nature of the Dooms Day Plan, then you may return.”

Max smiled, relieved. “That shouldn’t take too long,” he said. “She’ll have me to help her.” He looked at the sheet of paper. “Let’s see. Sad Al / Astor / Mays / Bronco Con / Map Change / Three Bs / Watch. Now, if we change the letters around-in the phrase ‘Sad Al,’ for instance, we have… hmmmm. Well, let’s try another tack. Let’s combine the two words, ‘Sad’ and ‘Al.’ Now, what do we have? Yes, I see-we have ‘Sadal.’ And what is a ‘sadal’? It’s something you put on a horse.” He raised his eyes to the Chief. “I think we’re looking for a horse or a man on horseback or a racetrack.”

“Max, saddle is spelled s-a-d-d-l-e.”

“Chief, can we be certain that the people at KAOS who make up the codes are perfect spellers?”

“Max, leave the cryptography to Peaches, will you? Stick to what you know-running.”

“Hold it, Chief,” Max said, looking at the sheet of paper again. “You’ll notice that the word ‘Bronco’ also appears in the plan. Since a bronco is a horse, that makes two horses-or, a team of horses. Now, the word ‘team’ suggests pulling together. And if we pull together all of the other words in the plan, what we have is… Let’s see… Astormaysmapchangethreebswatch. Well, what we have is a mish-mosh. Frankly, I think KAOS’s plan is to confuse us.”

“Max, please, let Peaches do the decoding.”

“Obviously, you don’t even know how to begin,” Peaches said crisply. “The first step is to transpose the letters into numbers. Then, after that, you transpose the numbers back into letters. That is, of course, if the transposition of letters and numbers is the basis for the code. If it isn’t, then you have to utilize phonetics. And, if that fails, you have to try the Palmerston Method. According to the Palmerston Method, every second letter represents a soliloquy in a Shakespeare play, and every third letter represents a paragraph in a soliloquy-unless, of course, the first letter is a vowel, in which case the second and third letter represent, combined, certain passages from Plato’s Dialogues. The Palmerston Method is rarely used any more, however. More common is the system that utilizes the letters as symbols. An ‘A,’ for instance, might represent an Indian teepee. And a ‘B’ might represent a ship’s mast and two round sails. That is, assuming that the letters are written in upper case. If they are in lower case, that means that the real message is written in invisible ink between the lines of the fake message. Since our plan, however, is written in both upper and lower case, we can assume-although not without taking a chance on being in error-that none of the methods or systems that I have mentioned have been used. That, of course, puts us right back where we started.”

Max turned to the Chief. “Why don’t we just hold it up to a mirror? Maybe it’s written backwards. That happened once in Dick Tracy.”

“Max, all I’m interested in doing right now is getting you and Peaches out of here,” the Chief said. “With I. M. Noman on the premises, every minute counts.”

“All right, Chief,” Max said, folding the piece of paper and tucking it into a pocket, “we’ll be on our way. Who will be assisting me on this case? 99 isn’t available, I know. Will it be Fang and me against KAOS again?”

“Sorry, Max. Fang isn’t available either. Fang is on special assignment.”

“Who is Fang?” Peaches asked.

“A dog,” the Chief replied.

She looked at Max. “I thought I had the dog,” she said.

Max ignored the remark. “What special assignment, Chief?”

“Well, this is the week of the kennel show, you know. And we got a report that a certain government is sending a Pekingese to stir up trouble. So we assigned Fang to investigate.”

“Very clever. Sending a plainclothesman, eh?”

“Yes, that was the idea. Now, Max, will you get going?”

Max hesitated. “Chief, you mean I won’t have any assistance on this case?”