William Johnston - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets

“Wonderful! They can’t get to us!” 99 said.

“Not as long as we have this sculpture,” Max smiled. “I think we defeated them, 99. They’re in there, on the other side of the wall, and we’re out here-” His enthusiasm suddenly diminished. “-trapped on the roof,” he concluded glumly.

The guards began hammering on the wall.

“Max, that wall won’t hold out forever,” 99 said. “What do we do now?”

Max went to the edge of the roof and looked down. He shook his head, backing away. “No, we can’t do that.”

“If only we could contact the helicopter,” 99 said.

“Yes, if only we could-99! That’s it!” Hurriedly, he took off his shoe, then dialed.

Operator: Sorry, you have dialed a wrong number.

Max: Operator, I didn’t dial a wrong number. I dialled Operator, and I got you.

Operator: The way I look at it, that’s a wrong number. Every time somebody dials Operator, I have to answer. And it’s always right when I’m doing my nails.

Max: Sorry about that, Operator. But this is an emergency.

Operator: Oh, is that you, Maxie? How’s our shoe?

Max: Your shoe is fine, Operator. Now look, I want to contact a helicopter. I know the helicopter doesn’t have a telephone, but it does have a radio. So, if you could connect my telephone to the helicopter’s radio, then I and the pilot could converse.

Operator: You’re a real nut, aren’t you, Maxie?

Max: Operator, would you mind? This is an emergency. The guards are hammering on the door.

Operator: Okay, Maxie, I’ll try it. I can’t do anything else ’til my nails dry, anyway. Where is this helicopter?

Max (pointing); Right over there behind that sand dune.

Operator: Could you get a little more clear, Maxie. Like name the desert, maybe?

Max: Sahara. And please hurry, Operator.

Operator: That’s all the way across the ocean. It’ll take time. Radio signals don’t move so fast when they have to swim, you know.

Max: Operator, please!

(crackling sounds)

Lance Chalfont: Lance Chalfont, silent birdman, here.

Max: Lance, this is Max Smart!

Lance Chalfont: No kiddin’. How’d you get inside that itty-bitty radio, Max?

Max: Now, listen carefully, Lance. I am not inside the radio. I am on the roof of the KAOS Science Laboratory. 99 and I are trapped out here. We want you to rescue us.

Lance Chalfont: Well, I’ll try, Max. How do I get there? Is there some kind of a ladder?

Max: No, but there’s a stair. You take the corridor to- No, Lance, what I mean is, I want you to use the helicopter to rescue us.

Lance Chalfont: Max, you know how big this helicopter is. I couldn’t get it up no stairs.

Max: Think, Lance. What does a helicopter do? It flies, right? I want you to fly the helicopter to the roof, pick us up, then fly away. Got that?

Lance Chalfont: Nobody don’t have to draw no pictures for Lance Chalfont. I’ll be there in a jiffy, Max.

(crackling sounds)

Operator: How did I do, Maxie?

Max: Excellent, Operator. If we escape, it will be your doing.

Operator: Then do a little favor for me, Maxie, will you? Don’t get sand in our shoe.

Max: I promise, Operator.

Max hung up.

“Max, the guards are breaking down the wall,” 99 said. “Where is the helicopter?”

“Well, according to my calculations, the heli-”

There was a roaring sound overhead.

“-copter ought to be arriving right now.”

“Max! The wall!”

As the wall gave way and a flood of guards poured onto the roof, the helicopter settled down beside Max and 99.

Max and 99 scrambled aboard. There was the sound of a volley of shots. Bullets pinged by their ears.

“Upward and onward!” Max cried.

The helicopter zoomed heavenward. A moment later it was safely out of range of the guards’ rifles.

“That was close!” Max breathed.

“Got the job done, though, eh?” Lance Chalfont said. “Planted that itty-bitty pea just like you was told to, right?”

“That we did,” Max smiled.

“Howja do it?” Lance Chalfont asked.

“Actually, it was very simple,” Max replied. “We-” He turned to 99. “How did we do it, 99?”

“Well, Max, you remember that necklace I presented to Dr. Yeh!?” 99 replied. “Did you notice anything familiar about it?”

“Familiar? No. Frankly, it wasn’t to my taste, though. It looked like a bunch of strung-together peas.”

“That’s it, Max. It was. I strung some pellets together, making a necklace of them.”

“Then-”

“Yes. Dr. Yeh! is wearing the explosives around his neck,” 99 said. “I imagine that as soon as he gets to his quarters, he’ll put the necklace in his jewel box, and… our pellets will be planted.”

Max turned back to Lance Chalfont. “See? I told you it was simple.”

“Max,” 99 said, “shouldn’t we check in with the Chief?”

“Right,” Max replied, removing his shoe and dialing.

Operator: One moment, please. I am ringing your helicopter.

Max: No, no, Operator. That emergency is over. I want to talk to the Chief, now.

Operator: One moment, please. I am ringing your Chief.

Chief: Control. Chief speaking.

Max: Chief, it’s me. I am happy to report that the first explosive has been planted. Anything new at Headquarters?

Chief: Only this, Max. The KAOS agent has also planted his first pellet. He was observed slipping away from our Science Lab. We’re making a search for the explosive, but we don’t have much hope of finding it.

Max: In other words, Chief, at this juncture, the race is a tie.

Chief: Yes, that’s the way it stands, Max. Haste is all important now. The fate of Control depends on it-and on you and 99, Max.

Max: We’re already speeding to the next KAOS installation, Chief. I’ll call you when I have something further to report.

Max hung up, then settled back in his seat. “I told the Chief that we’re speeding to our next destination,” he said to 99.

She nodded. “I heard you.”

“I heard that, too,” Lance Chalfont said. “Kinda confused me.”

“Oh? How so?” Max asked.

“Me and the helicopter, we’re just flyin’ around in circles,” Lance Chalfont replied. “Ain’t nobody told us where to go.”

“Tell him where to go, Max,” 99 said.

“For the sake of pleasant relations, I think, instead, I’ll just give him our next destination,” Max replied, opening the satchel and getting out a fact sheet. He studied the paper a moment, then said, “Head straight for the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, Lance. Our next destination is KAOS’s undersea weapons arsenal.”

“Which way’s that?” Lance Chalfont asked.

Max pointed. “Thataway.”

As the helicopter sped over the water, Max and 99 studied the fact sheet on the KAOS weapons arsenal. “This will be a tough one,” Max said. “The arsenal is commanded by the infamous Dr. Gill.”

“Haven’t I heard that name before?” 99 frowned.

“Yes, it’s infamous,” Max replied. “Dr. Gill, you know, is half man and half fish.”

“Which half is which?” 99 asked.

Max thought for a second. “The upper half must be a fish,” he replied. “It doesn’t say anything in the fact sheet about him having a tail. What he has done, you see, over a period of years, is conditioned himself to living under water. His lungs act as a storage tank for fresh air, allowing him to breathe without the assistance of an auxiliary air supply.”

“What’s that mean?” Lance Chalfont asked.

“He can breathe under water,” Max replied.

“Shucks, I can do that, too,” Lance Chalfont said. “Only trouble is, when I try it, I durn near drown.”

“That’s the difference,” Max pointed out. “Dr. Gill doesn’t drown.”