William Johnston: And Loving It!

The guards marched Max and 99 to the table.

“See-the-intruders,” the head guard announced. “The-guards-have-captured-the-intruders. The-guards-are-good-guards.”

The young man in the loin cloth made a gesture and the guards backed away.

The older man looked at Max and 99 curiously, then broke into a smile. “Hiya, boobies!” he said. “What’s the deal?”

“We refuse to answer,” Max replied. “All we have to tell you is our name and our number. I’m Max Smart and my number is 86. That’s all you’ll get from me.” He leaned forward, peering at the meat on the platter in the center of the table. “Is that roast beef cooked in a vinegar wine, by any chance?”

“Ain’t you gonna introduce me to the skirt?” the fat man asked.

“The skirt?”

“He means me, Max,” 99 explained. She addressed the fat man. “I’m 99 and my number is 99,” she said. “That’s all you’ll get from me too.”

“Gladdaknowya,” he replied. “Me, I’m Lucky Bucky Buckley.”

“Aren’t you going to introduce us to the loin cloth?” Max said.

“Oh. . yeah. This squirrel over here in the hip hanky and bath towel is Guru Optimo. He’s my act. I’m his agent. Now, to repeat the previous question-what’s the deal? What’re you two boobies doin’ on the island? This is private property, which I rented for the duration.”

“Is that asparagus in that dish?” Max pointed.

“I ain’t fingerin’ no vegetable ’til I get some answers,” Lucky Bucky replied. “But, after I get some answers, who’s to say maybe I wouldn’t invite a couple wayfarin’ strangers to sup and dine with me?”

Max’s eyes narrowed. “Are you trying to tempt me with a stalk of asparagus? If you are, you’re wasting your time. You could offer me a full meal and I still wouldn’t tell you that we’re secret agents, working out of Control.”

“Max!” 99 said admonishingly. “You told him!”

“Oh.”

“It ain’t no surprise to me,” Lucky Bucky said. “I been expectin’ somebody from your outfit. Guru Baby told me about you guys. He told me about them other guys, that KAOS outfit, too. That’s how come I posted the guards.”

“Well, since you wormed the secret out of me,” Max said, “maybe I will let you tempt me with some of that asparagus.”

“Be my guests,” Lucky Bucky said expansively. “Park the bodies. Dig in.”

Max and 99 scrambled for chairs, then, seated, filled their plates and began eating ravenously.

“This is delicious!” Max said. “It certainly is broadminded of you to feed us like this when you consider that we’re here to take your act away from you.”

“It’s traditional in my family,” Lucky Bucky replied. “We always see that the condemned man gets to eat good. What kind of people would we be if we sent an enemy to his death on an empty stomach?”

Max stopped eating. “Are you hinting at something?”

“I’ll tell you later,” Lucky Bucky said. “I don’t want to spoil your dinner.” He passed the platter of roast beef to Max. “Have another helping. Enjoy. I’ll tell you the truth, I’m glad you finally got here. I needed somebody intelligent to talk to. Guru Baby is a great talent, but, like all talent-he should be seen and not heard. I’ll give you an example.” He turned to Guru Optimo. “Well, Guru Baby, what do you think of the international situation these days?” he said.

Guru Optimo grinned foolishly. “What happened in that hotel in Boston, Willy?” he answered.

“See?” Lucky Bucky sighed. “That’s all the American language he knows-some lines he picked up from some movies. He understands it, but he don’t talk it.”

“That’s very interesting,” Max said. “Do you mind if I try it?”

Lucky Bucky shrugged. “Why not?”

Max spoke to Guru Optimo. “How do you like living in a castle?” he said. “I suppose it’s quite different from what you’re used to.”

Guru Optimo beamed. “We got to get these critters to Abilene ’fore they freeze to death in this blizzard,” he replied.

“Well, ask a silly question, get a silly answer,” Max said.

“I’ve been listening to silly answers like that for weeks,” Lucky Bucky said.

“I think I can help you,” Max offered. “Turn Guru Optimo over to me, and I promise I’ll take him somewhere where you won’t ever have to listen to him again.”

Lucky Bucky laughed. “I should be such a dumb-head? I’ve got the greatest act in the history of show business.” He winked at Guru Optimo. “Right, Guru Baby?”

Guru Optimo smiled. “Good dog, Lassie!” he replied.

“I’ll tell you the truth,” Lucky Bucky continued, “For the past couple of years, I should’ve been called by my real name, which is Unlucky Bucky Buckley. What-”

“Your real name is Un lucky Bucky Buckley?” Max said.

“It’s what I was born,” Lucky Bucky replied. “But when I was seven years old I won a bunny rabbit in a raffle. After that, everybody called me Lucky. Everybody, that is, except my old man. He couldn’t get used to the idea. So he kept calling me the same thing he’d always called me.”

“Unlucky?”

“Sidney.”

“Oh.”

“Like I was saying though, from now on, it’s nothing but roses. With Guru Baby as my act, I’m gonna make a comeback like nobody has never seen before. What an act!”

“It will be a little unusual,” Max agreed.

“Unusual? It’ll be smash! Who ever seen a tap dancer in a loin cloth and a towel before?”

“ That’s his act?” 99 said. “A tap dancer?”

“Yeah. I’m teachin’ him. ’Course, that’s not the whole act. He’s got a little bit that he does at the end, when they call him back for an encore.”

“What’s that?” Max asked.

“He hypnotizes the audience and turns everybody into slaves.” He glowed. “Is that a smash finish or is that a smash finish?”

“Well. . it’s, uh. . novel,” Max conceded. “But suppose he doesn’t get called back for an encore?”

“Then he goes out and turns them into slaves anyway,” Lucky Bucky replied. “He’s a trouper.”

“I see. . the show must go on,” Max nodded. “I have one other question: What’s the point of turning everybody in the audience into slaves?”

“Well, I figure that with good weather and some luck with the train schedules we can play every theater in the world in about fifteen years. By then, we’ll be ready to retire. And what’ll we have to fall back on? We’ll have the whole world under our control.”

“Plus Social Security,” Max pointed out.

“Right. Nobody can’t say that Lucky Bucky Buckley don’t look out for his talent.” He turned to Guru Optimo again. “Right, Guru Baby?”

Guru Optimo beamed. “But, Mother, I don’t care if Thomas is a crazy inventor who plays around with little wires that light up, I love him,” he replied.

“Lucky Bucky Buckley, you’re mad!” 99 said fiercely.

“Why should I be mad?” he replied, surprised. “With a future like mine? I’m not mad at anybody. I’m not even mad at you. To prove it, I’ll have Guru Baby do his act for you.”

“No, thank you,” Max said. “I really don’t care much for tap dancing.”

“Then I’ll have him do his encore,” Lucky Bucky said. “It’s the best part, anyway. I’ll tell you the truth, the tap dancing is just to get the audience’s attention. To do his hypnotizing, he’s got to be looking you straight in the eye.”

“Frankly, I care less for being hypnotized than I do for tap dancing,” Max said.

“Not you-a guard.”

He faced Guru Optimo once more. “How about puttin’ a spell on one of the guards, Baby?” he said.