William Johnston - The Spy Who Went Out to the Cold

“I’m sorry, Max, but you and 99 are the only agents who are available. Everyone else is on vacation.”

“Oh. Well. . in that case. .”

“Now, here’s the problem,” the Chief went on. “Professor von BOOM is developing a very lightweight rocket fuel. He-”

“How lightweight?” Max asked.

“Very-almost weightless,” the Chief replied.

“That is a problem,” Max nodded. “When they try to pour it into the fuel tank, it’ll probably float away, eh? Have they tried chaining it down, Chief?”

“Max, that is not the problem. They want it to be lightweight.”

Max shrugged. “Okay. If they want rocket fuel floating around all over the place, I suppose we taxpayers will have to go along with it. But who’s going to pay for the fuel that floats away? I’ll tell you who, Chief-the taxpayers.”

The Chief put a hand over his eyes. “Max, will you forget about floating fuel and just listen?”

“Sorry, Chief. I won’t say another word. It’s the taxpayer’s lot to suffer in silence.”

“As I was saying,” the Chief continued, “Professor von BOOM has developed a lightweight rocket fuel. But, it still has some bugs in it. He-”

“Heavy bugs, Chief? Heavy enough to hold it down? We taxpayers appreciate any little break we can get.”

“Max!”

“Sorry again, Chief.”

“The fuel is not quite perfected,” the Chief went on. “The Professor has to add the finishing touches, and, to do that, he needs absolute privacy. You see, when he’s around people, invariably someone drops one of the key words, and Professor von BOOM wanders off, forgetting about the project he’s working on. It’s a terrible time-waster. He’s been working on the project for over a year, and it should have been completed in six months.”

“Six months overtime-and at you-know-who’s expense,” Max muttered.

“What’s the solution, Chief?” 99 asked.

“The people in charge of the space program have had a specially-equipped laboratory built for the Professor at the North Pole,” the Chief replied. “It’s completely cut off from civilization. Once he’s there, he won’t be within a hundred miles of another living human being.”

“I see,” 99 said. “That’s an excellent idea.”

“I’m not so sure,” Max said. “Who is this other living human being he won’t be within a hundred miles of, Chief? Can we trust him?”

“There is no one else, Max. The Professor will be completely alone.”

“Oh. Okay-just checking. As a taxpayer, I just want to be sure the government isn’t making a mistake. If that other living human being had turned out to be a security risk-”

Professor von BOOM was on his way toward the door again.

“Max! Get him!” the Chief shouted.

Max caught the Professor and steered him back to his chair.

“Where to, Professor?” the Chief asked.

“Did someone say ‘risk?’ ” he replied. “I was on my way to get some more life insurance.”

“Remember that,” the Chief said to Max and 99. “That’s one of the words you can’t use. Now, your mission,” he continued, “as you’ve probably guessed, is to get the Professor to that laboratory at the North Pole.”

“How will we know where it is, Chief?” 99 asked.

“99, that’s a silly question,” Max interjected. “Anybody could recognize the North Pole. It’s about six-feet high and it’s painted red and white, with stripes.”

“I mean the secret laboratory, Max.”

“Oh.”

“It’s about ten yards past the Pole, 99,” the Chief said. “And it’s painted white, like the snow.”

“Won’t that make it difficult to find?” 99 said.

“Nothing to it,” Max broke in. “It’ll be the snow that won’t pack, 99.”

“Yes, finding the lab-once you find the Pole-should be simple enough,” the Chief said. “Unfortunately, getting the Professor to the Pole is likely to be the major problem. First, of course, you’ll have to keep an eye on him every second, to make sure he doesn’t wander off. But. . there’s something else. You’ll be contending with KAOS, too.”

Max turned to Professor von Boom. “They’re the Bad Guys,” he explained. “They never pay taxes, thereby putting a heavier burden on us Good Guys, who do.”

“I don’t understand, Chief,” 99 said. “What is KAOS’s interest in this?”

“99, apparently you don’t understand the value of this rocket fuel. The lighter the fuel, the greater distance we can get with our rockets. This fuel could be very important in the space race.”

“Is KAOS in the space race, Chief?” Max said, surprised.

“No, Max. But if KAOS had the formula for the fuel, it could sell it to a country that is, or a country that would like to be. You know what kind of people they are at KAOS-they’d sell the formula to the highest bidder.”

Max turned to Professor von BOOM again. “Not only the Bad Guys, but also plenty hip,” he said.

“We intercepted a secret communication to all KAOS agents,” the Chief went on. “They have orders to abduct Professor von BOOM and deliver him to KAOS headquarters. There, undoubtedly, they intend to torture him and get the formula from him. After that, they’d put it up for sale. We must avoid that -at all costs.”

Max winced. “At all costs, Chief? Shouldn’t the taxpayers be consulted about a matter like that?”

“Will you just do your job, Max?”

Max shrugged. “All right, Chief. . what exactly was it you had in mind?”

“Escorting Professor von BOOM to the North Pole, Max.”

“Oh. . yes.” He rose. “Well, ready, Professor? We better get going.”

“Max, do you have a plan?” the Chief asked. “Remember, KAOS intends to kidnap the Professor. Our headquarters is probably surrounded by KAOS agents right now, just waiting for you and 99 and the Professor to emerge.”

Max’s eyes narrow again. “Mmmmm. . that does call for some clever strategy, doesn’t it? Chief, I think our best bet would be to confuse the enemy.”

“Good. How, Max?”

“Well, I’m a little confused on that point right at the minute. Give me a little time to think it out. Wait a second! I think I’ve got it. Suppose we seal the Professor in a good strong box and mail him to the North Pole?”

The Chief shook his head. “Too much risk.”

Professor von BOOM got to his feet and headed for the door.

Max caught him, turned him, and guided him back to the chair. “You don’t need any more life insurance, Professor,” he assured him. “With Max Smart to look after you, you’re as safe as a one-legged pigeon on a slanted roof.”

“Max. . that isn’t very safe,” the Chief pointed out.

“Chief, these are dangerous times. You have to take your chances. Just breathing is a risk.”

The Professor rose and strolled toward the exit.

Again, Max headed him off and steered him back to the chair.

“Max, if you don’t have a plan-” the Chief began.

“I’ve got it, Chief,” Max broke in. “How about the old wild-goose-disguised-as-a-crow trick?”

The Chief frowned. “I don’t think I know that one, Max.”

“Sorry, Chief-I meant the crow-disguised-as-a-wild-goose trick.”

“Oh. . that.” The Chief nodded. “That might work.”

“I don’t think I’m familiar with it, Max,” 99 said.

“Well, you’ve heard the old saying, ‘as straight as the crow flies.’ And, if you’ve heard that one, you certainly recognize the term, ‘wild goose chase.’ The crow-disguised-as-a-wild-goose trick is a combination of the two. You make your pursuer think you’re going on a wild goose chase, but, actually, you’re zeroing-in on a predetermined destination, more or less as straight as the crow flies.”