A. Fair - Cats Prowl at Night

Bertha got up from her chair, reached over and pulled the papers out from under the lawyer’s hand.

“You’re crazy. I’m not going to pay any five hundred dollars.”

“But my dear Mrs. Cool, if you don’t do something within ten days of the time this paper was served on you, you’ll—”

“How do you go about denying you owe anything like this?” Bertha asked.

“You file what we lawyers call an ‘answer,’ denying the charges contained in the complaint.”

“How much will you charge me to drew me one of these answers?”

“Do you mean just to draw up an answer?”

“Yes.”

“Well — I wouldn’t advise you to do that, Mrs. Cool.”

“Why not?”

“Well, there are certain things about the complaint which impressed me as being rather ambiguous. The document quite evidently was hastily drawn. I think it is subject to a special demurrer, and perhaps to a general demurrer as well.”

“What’s a demurrer?”

“That’s another pleading — a paper filed in court — in which you point out defects in the complaint.”

“And what happens after you file that?”

“You argue it.”

“Is the other lawyer there?”

“Oh, yes, naturally.”

“Then what happens?”

“If your point is well taken, the judge sustains the demurrer.”

“And that means you win the lawsuit?”

“Oh, no. Then the other side is given ten days to amend the complaint.”

“So that it makes it a better complaint?”

“In a way, yes. That’s the layman’s way of expressing it.”

“I suppose all this argument costs money.”

“Naturally, I have to be compensated for my time. That was why I told you five hundred dollars as a retainer would take the case through the stage of pleadings and up to—”

“Why in hell,” Bertha interrupted, “should I pay a lawyer five hundred dollars to go into court to tell the other lawyer how to make his complaint correct?”

“You don’t understand, Mrs. Cool. You persist in looking at it as a layman. There is a tactical advantage in having a demurrer sustained.”

“What advantage? Where does it get you?”

“You gain time.”

“What good does it do to gain time?”

“Why, you’ve postponed the matter. You’ve gained time.”

“And what do you do with this time when you’ve gained it?”

Drumson’s smile tried to be patronizing, but there was a vague uneasiness in his manner as he faced Bertha’s glittering eyes. “My dear Mrs. Cool, you’re letting yourself get all worked up. After all, you’re merely a layman. These matters—”

“What the hell do you do with the time when you’ve gained it?” Bertha interrupted in a voice which stridently demanded the conversational right of way.

“Why, we work on your case, study up on it.”

“And I pay for all the time you put in?”

“Naturally I have to be compensated—”

“So I pay you to tell the other lawyer how to make a better case so you can gain time to charge me more for putting in more time on my case. To hell with that stuff. Don’t you know enough law to know how to try this lawsuit right now?”

“Of course. If I—”

“Then what the hell do you want to put in more time on more study for? If you don’t know how to handle this case say so, and I’ll get someone who does.”

“My dear Mrs. Cool! You simply—”

“The hell with that stuff,” Bertha interrupted. “I don’t want any demurrers. I don’t want to pay fancy prices to gain time I’m going to have to pay for. I simply want to file an answer telling this goddamned little twerp where she gets off.”

“My dear Mrs. Cool! Please! I ask you as your attorney, don’t keep referring to the plaintiff as a twerp.”

“She’s a damned gold-digging little bitch,” Bertha said, angrily raising her voice. “She’s a mealy-mouthed hypocrite.”

“Mrs. Cool! Mrs. Cool! You’ll ruin your chances of defending this lawsuit.”

“You know what she is as well as I do. She—”

“Mrs. Cool! Please. N ow I am going to tell you something once and for all. If you even think of the plaintiff in this action in that way, you’re going to lose your temper in court and throw your entire case out of the window. Those words show malice. I instruct you as your lawyer, I warn you, that you must studiously make a habit of referring to this young woman as a thoroughly estimable young lady, otherwise you’re going to regret it.”

“You mean I’ve got to let her throw this action in my face and still like her?”

“She’s misguided. She took offence where none was meant. She’s high-strung and her lawyers have taken advantage of an unusual situation to try and collect an excessive amount. But the young woman in the case, the plaintiff herself is, so far as you know, a thoroughly estimable young woman, and you must school yourself to refer to her as such.”

Bertha took a deep breath.

“How much?”

“For just drawing an answer?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I would say that in order to do that we’d need to have a preliminary discussion as to the facts of the case, and—”

“How much?”

“Oh, say seventy-five dollars.”

“For just drawing an answer? Why I’ll bet I could get somebody to just draw an answer for—”

“But we’d have to discuss the facts with you first.”

“Facts nothing,” Bertha said. “All I want is an answer that will call this — this estimable young woman a goddamned liar. An answer that will claim that she didn’t get fired because of anything I said, that whatever I said was what you call a privileged communication, and all that stuff.”

“Well,” Drumson said with obvious reluctance, “I guess perhaps, under those circumstances, a charge of twenty-five dollars... But you understand, Mrs. Cool, we wouldn’t accept any responsibility for anything in connection with the case. We wouldn’t want our name to appear on the pleading. It would simply be an answer that we would draw, and you could sign, appearing in propria persona.”

“ What does that mean?” Bertha asked.

“That’s a legal expression that means a person is appearing without a lawyer. That is, that the party filing the pleading is acting as his own lawyer.”

Bertha said, “That’s what I want. Draw up the answer. I’ll sign it myself, and appear myself, representing myself. And I want to get it by Monday morning. I’ll file that and have it off my mind.”

Drumson watched her leave the office. Then with a sigh he pressed the button which summoned his stenographer.

Sergeant Sellers tilted back a somewhat battered, uncushioned swivel chair at Headquarters and grinned across at Bertha Cool. “You’re looking great, Bertha. What’s this about that Dearborne girl filing suit against you?”

Bertha said, “The little—” and stopped.

“Go ahead,” Sellers remarked grinning. “I’ve probably heard all of the words you know. Get them off your chest, you’ll feel better.”

Bertha said, “I’ve just come from my lawyer’s. Any names I call her might show malice, and that might hurt my lawsuit. So far as I’m concerned, she’s a very estimable young lady, mistaken perhaps, misguided certainly; but a very charming young bitch of unquestioned virtue.”

Sellers threw back his head and laughed. He pulled a cigar from his pocket and Bertha took a cigarette from her purse. Sellers leaned across the table to hold a match to her cigarette.

“We’re getting polite,” Bertha said.

“Oh, hell,” Sellers observed cheerfully. “We know the conventional obligations of a host. We just don’t pay attention to them most of the time.”