M. Arlidge - Little Boy Blue

They were heading fast towards Shirley, but as they reached the outskirts, Charlie’s phone pinged loudly. Sanderson gave her an accusing look, as if Charlie had deliberately done this to distract her, before returning her attention to the road. Irked, Charlie pulled out her phone. But as she did so, her finger froze, hovering over the Read button. The message was from Helen.

Charlie glanced sideways at Sanderson, then pressed the button. The message was short and sweet.

‘Western Docks. Quay 42.’

It was timed as having been sent three minutes ago. Was Helen in trouble? Did she need help? Was this her covert way of asking for it, by texting instead of calling? Charlie stared at the message, unsure what to do. Should she text back? Probably – that’s what a good friend and colleague would do – but if it was later discovered that she had been communicating with a suspect on the run, then that would be her career over. She owed Helen so much – her livelihood, her position, her life even – but there was too much at stake now and, if she was honest, there were too many unanswered questions.

Which is why, with a heavy heart, Charlie turned her phone towards Sanderson and said:

‘I think you’d better see this.’

They stood stock still, sizing each other up. Robert showed no signs of wanting to attack her, but neither was he preparing to flee. He was boxed in, Helen blocking his route from the room, yet he seemed oddly unconcerned.

‘When did you know?’ he said suddenly.

His voice was as she remembered it – young and raw – but the warmth he used to possess had vanished. He seemed older, but not happier.

‘After Paine maybe. But I hoped I was wrong.’

‘Isn’t that just like you? Always in denial.’

‘About what?’

‘The harm you do. The pain you cause.’

‘I’ve only ever wanted to help people. I spent months looking for you, trying to make amends -’

‘But you didn’t find me, did you?’

‘Not for the want of trying. I know I turned your life upside down -’

‘Is that how you’d put it?’

‘You were happy, you had nice parents, a good home, but you were my only blood relative. I wanted to look after you, help you make the right choices -’

‘Then I guess I’ll be another thing on your conscience, won’t I?’

This time his tone was gleeful and taunting.

‘You did all this because you wanted to,’ Helen said, gesturing to the maps, the phone. ‘It’s nothing to do with me.’

‘In some ways I did them a favour. Jake was hopelessly obsessed with you, Paine was eating himself up with bitterness -’

‘And Angelique? What the hell had she done?’

‘Nothing yet. But you would have harmed her, just as you did the others. Everything you touch dies, don’t you know that yet, Helen?’

Helen stared at him. He knew her better than anyone else and was determined to make that count.

‘Including yourself?’ she said quietly. ‘Isn’t that what all this is about?’

‘Well, the last time you faced off with a blood relative, you shot her. So it would be kind of poetic, wouldn’t it?’

‘I never wanted to kill your mother. She forced me to.’

‘Isn’t it a coincidence that you always end up in a position where you are forced to hurt people? Do you never ask yourself if you like inflicting pain?’

‘That’s not true.’

‘Isn’t it? What did you feel when you were beating Paine? Wasn’t there a part of you that didn’t want to stop?’

Helen wanted to deny it, but couldn’t find the words.

‘You see, Helen, you’re no better than the criminals you chase. Think of me as your subconscious, acting out the fantasies and desires that lie within you.’

‘Tell that to the judge.’

‘There’s not going to be a trial, Helen. This starts and ends here.’

Helen said nothing. She had sent her text over ten minutes ago. She would have expected to hear distant sirens by now, but there was nothing. Robert stood in front of her, framed by the dark sea, looking relaxed and happy. Helen had no idea what he was planning, but his mood made her decidedly nervous.

‘How did you know?’ she said suddenly, breaking the silence.

‘That wasn’t hard, Helen. I’ve been your quiet shadow for nearly a year now. Little boy blue following you around day after day after day. I saw you meet Jake Elder in that city centre bar. I heard him arguing with his boyfriend afterwards. Did you feel lonely after that exchange, Helen? I saw you sitting in your window looking beautiful and sad -’

‘And a day later I visited Max Paine,’ Helen replied, suddenly realizing how careless she’d been.

‘I watched you visit him then and the time after. I saw how agitated you were after you’d come to blows. And the next morning, I saw him. He had a cap on and was covered in make-up, but boy was he a mess. You must have really gone to town on him.’

Helen looked at Robert. The boy who had once cried on her shoulder now stared at her, hateful in his triumph.

‘Am I really worth all this?’ Helen said finally.

‘You have no idea.’

‘You’ve been stalking me for months, giving up your own life -’

‘I had no life thanks to you.’

‘Bullshit. You don’t have to play the cards you’re dealt. You can choose a different path, make good choices -’

‘You killed my mother. Nobody told me about that – for years I was given half-truths and evasions. Then you came along and told the whole fucking world.’

‘That was never my intention.’

‘ “Son of a Monster” – that’s what they called me. “The Spawn of a She-Devil”. I was a nobody – don’t you get that? – and suddenly I was famous.’

Helen stared at him. The memory of the press pack descending on his quiet family home in Aldershot still haunted her.

‘After that I couldn’t go anywhere. People knew who I was, what she’d done, they wanted nothing to do with me. As if her sins were mine. And yet what had she done? She’d killed to protect you. To save her little sister.’

‘I know that’s what she thought she was doing -’

‘I was going to kill myself,’ Robert interrupted. ‘I was going to call you up, tell you where I was and then do it, before you could get to me. I’d saved up my pills, found a hotel room, but when it came to it, I couldn’t do it.’

Helen looked at him as he took a step forward.

‘Not because I was scared, but because I was angry. It’s my rage that has sustained me all these months. My rage and my hatred of you .’

Helen stayed where she was, refusing to be intimidated. And in the far distance, she now heard the sound of sirens. Robert seemed oblivious, continuing his rant against her.

‘After you shot her, you danced on her grave.’

‘I loved your mother, I still do. But she was a murderer -’

‘You tried to justify your own actions by denigrating her.’

‘What she did was wrong.’

‘No, what she did was right,’ Robert barked back at her. ‘Which is why it felt right.’

Helen suppressed a shudder. Marianne had been utterly unrepentant at her trial, even confessing to enjoying murdering their parents.

‘What did she say at her trial? “I enjoyed watching their faces, knowing they couldn’t hurt me any more.” I read the transcripts, I read everything about her. Her testimony was all I had left of her.’

Helen felt the emotion rising in her – Robert had been the innocent in all this, yet he too had been swallowed by the darkness.

‘You were never like her.’

‘But I am now. Thanks to you.’

‘And does it make you happy?’

Robert looked at her oddly, as if trying to read the trick in the question.