Ник Сайнт - Purrfect Murder

“We’ve decided to offer you a peace treaty, Max,” Harriet explained.

“So now you’re on his side, are you?” asked Dooley bitterly. He gave her a glowering look. “You’re dead to me, Harriet. And you too, Brutus.”

“Let’s not say things we don’t mean, Dooley,” said Harriet, clearly the negotiator in this standoff.

“Oh, but I mean them, all right,” said Dooley.

“You’re dead to me, too,” I told Harriet. “Collusion with the enemy is not something we treat lightly, Harriet. You’re not part of this family anymore.”

“You’re being very immature, Max. And you, too, Dooley. We’re all grownups here, so let’s act like it.”

“Speak for yourself,” said Dooley.

She rolled her expressive eyes. “Look. Last night at dinner it was pretty obvious that Odelia and Chase are developing feelings for each other.”

“I think the word lovebird is appropriate here,” growled Brutus.

Harriet gave her new mate an adoring look. “They were exactly like lovebirds, weren’t they?”

“They sure were, honey pie. Just like us.”

“Oh, sugar plum,” she cooed.

I thought I was going to be sick. “What’s all this about last night?”

“Well, since you weren’t there, you didn’t see it, did you?” asked Harriet primly. “But Odelia and Chase made the loveliest couple.”

I exchanged a look of panic with Dooley. “Couple?” I croaked.

“Lovebirds?” squeaked Dooley, on the verge of a panic attack.

“Yeah, you should have seen them,” grunted Brutus with a chuckle. “Your regular Romeo and Juliet. Anyways, where were you guys last night?”

“None of your business,” I snapped.

“If you have to know, we were investigating,” said Dooley haughtily.

“Investigating?” scoffed Brutus. “In your sleep? Some investigation!”

“For your information, we cracked this case wide open,” said Dooley.

“Dooley,” I said warningly.

“You cracked the case?” asked Brutus. “You mean you caught the killer?”

“We most certainly did,” Dooley confirmed.

“Dooley!” I said. “Shut up!”

“Yeah, shut up, Dooley,” said Brutus. “Cause I’m pretty sure there’s nothing to tell.”

“We know exactly who the killer is,” said Dooley, ignoring the anxious looks I was giving him, “because we found a witness to the crime.”

At this point, Harriet asked, “You talked to a witness? Who was it?”

“Don’t tell her, Dooley,” I told him. “This is for Odelia’s ears only. Besides, I thought she was dead to you?”

“She is dead to me,” Dooley confirmed, “but as long as she keeps asking me questions I can’t not answer, can I? That would be just plain rude.”

“Entering the house of another cat when you’re not invited is rude,” I said with a pointed look at Brutus. “And so is colluding with the enemy,” I added with a nasty glance at Harriet.

“Oh, I’m invited, all right,” said Brutus. “Ain’t that right, honey bunch?”

“I invited him,” said Harriet. “This is my house, too.”

“You’ve got some nerve,” I said, shaking my head.

“I don’t see why we can’t all live together,” said Harriet now, sounding like a seventies hit song. “Why we can’t all simply get along and be friends.”

“Because Brutus is a bully and a brute, and bullies and brutes don’t get along with non-bullying brutes like us,” said Dooley.

“Kicking a friend out of your house is kind of a brutish move, buddy,” said Brutus.

“You’re not my friend,” I said stubbornly.

“A friend of a friend is a friend,” he riposted.

“Well, since Harriet is dead to me that makes you…” I hesitated. This was all getting very confusing. “Anyway, I don’t want you here so that’s that.”

Brutus grinned, displaying two sets of very sharp teeth. He patted my cheek with his paw. “Maxie. Baby. Your human and my human are inches away from getting it on, which makes us more than friends. The moment those two lovebirds move in together you and me are gonna be brothers, bubba! We be shacking up together. We be like homies, bro!”

“Yes, Max,” gushed Harriet. “You should have seen Odelia and Chase last night. So Brutus is right. Very soon now we’re all going to be living together, so why don’t you let bygones be bygones and welcome him into our family?”

“Over my dead body,” I growled, shaking off Brutus’s paw.

Brutus moved in, and whispered in my ear, “That can be arranged.”

I glared at him. “Why don’t I simply tell Odelia I don’t want you here?”

“Yeah!” cried Dooley. “Maybe she’ll make Chase give you away!”

“In your dreams, buddy,” growled Brutus.

“Odelia listens to what we tell her,” I said. “And if we tell her we don’t want you here, she’ll give Chase an ultimatum: either get all loved-up and cuddly on her couch and watch Cops together, or get rid of his furball.” I gave Brutus a sweet smile. “I wonder which way Chase is going to lean.”

“We’ll see about that,” he said, but I could see a hint of doubt in his eyes. He’d probably never met a cat that could make himself understood by his human before, and it wasn’t a gift he shared with us. He’d have no way of pleading with Chase to keep him, and I was pretty sure that if Dooley and I put our collective paws down, it was bye-bye Brutus.

“You wouldn’t do that,” said Harriet, aghast.

“Oh, but I most definitely would.”

“He’s bluffing,” said Brutus, giving me a nasty glare. “He’s just trying to come between us, sweetie pie, and it’ll never work.”

Harriet seemed doubtful, though. She knew what we were capable of when push came to shove. But she seemed to make up her mind and lifted her chin. “If you tell Odelia you don’t want Brutus here, I’ll tell her that I do want him here. That will make her think twice.”

“You wouldn’t do that!” I cried.

“Watch me,” she hissed, narrowing her beautiful green eyes.

Dooley seemed even more taken aback. “You wouldn’t go against family!”

“Of course not,” she said sweetly, “since Brutus is my family now.” She stared at the big, black cat adoringly. “He’s got qualities no other cat has.”

“Like what?!” cried Dooley. “The fact that he still got his… nuts? Well, I can fix that. We talked to Odelia and soon it’s gonna be nuts on the nuts!”

“For your information,” said Brutus haughtily, “my… situation is perfectly legal, thank you very much. A policeman’s cat has to set an example, so naturally I’m in compliance with the applicable penal code.”

“Huh?” asked Dooley, not comprehending.

“Brutus is fixed,” huffed Harriet, “and I can’t believe you’d stoop so low.”

We both stared at Brutus. “You’re fixed?” I asked. “But how…”

“Why the surprise, fellas? These days all the cool cats are fixed.” He gestured at us. “And a couple of losers, too, of course, to balance things out.”

“But how can you be so… buff, and still be fixed?” asked Dooley.

“Being a real hombre got nothing to do with what’s going on down there,” said Brutus, taking on the air of a mentor teaching his mentees a few life lessons. “Being a cat’s cat has to do with attitude, and the knowledge that you’re a superior being, not with the size of your… equipment.”

I gave a snort. “You’re definitely not a superior being.”

“Oh, but he most certainly is,” said Harriet, moving over to her new mate and stropping against him seductively. “The stamina this cat got? You wouldn’t believe it!”

“Say it, girl.”

“I am saying it and saying it loud and proud.”