Ник Сайнт - Purrfectly Deadly

“That would be great,” I said. “Just tell him to get rid of the brute. I’m sure there’s plenty of room at the animal shelter.”

“Or just donate him to charity,” said Dooley, perking up slightly.

She laughed. “I doubt Chase will go for it. But I will talk to him.”

Dooley put his head on his paws again. It was obvious that ‘talking to Chase’ wasn’t going to cut it. The guy obviously held no sway over his cat.

Fifteen minutes later, the cake was ready, and Odelia took it out of the oven and walked it across the yard to her parents’ yard. We followed her, even though we should probably have that nap now. But duty called.

Over at Marge and Tex’s, everything was set for dinner, and Uncle Alec and Chase were already chatting up a storm with their hosts. They were all seated out on the deck, where dinner was going to be served. No sense in being cooped up inside when the weather was this nice. Two other guests that had arrived were Brutus and Harriet, who were lying on the porch swing Odelia’s dad had installed a couple of weeks ago. They looked like two lovers in heat, and Dooley muttered, “Max, I can’t do this. I’m going home.”

“No, you’re not,” I said, stopping him with my paw. “The worst thing we can do right now is show Brutus that he’s won. We need to stand firm, Dooley. We need to show he’s just a guest, and we’re masters of our home.”

He sighed. “Why do I have the impression he’s not buying any of that?”

“Because he’s hard of hearing,” I said. “All we need to do is yell harder.”

I walked up to Brutus and Harriet, and jumped up to join them on the love seat. Dooley, meanwhile, decided to remain on the ground, staring up at the three of us gloomily.

“Hey, Brutus,” I said, trying to sound like a master of my own home. “So have you cracked this case yet?”

“Not yet,” he admitted with a smug smile. “But I’m getting there.”

“That’s great,” I said. “So you’re close to catching the killer, huh?”

“I’m almost ready to reveal his identity, yes,” said Brutus.

Harriet, who’d been licking her fur—that kind of snowy white coat takes a lot of licks to keep looking so nice and shiny—sighed wistfully. “Brutus is so clever, Max. He’s listened to all the interviews Chief Alec and Chase did today, and he’s drawn a most fascinating conclusion. He’s really nailed it.”

“You did, huh?” I asked. “Well, to be honest I expected nothing less from you, Brutus. You are a policeman’s cat, after all. A true detective.”

“Glad you’re finally seeing things my way, Maxie, baby,” he sneered.

“Oh, but I certainly do,” I assured him. “It’s just that us country bumpkins need more time to figure things out than you slick city cats.”

“See?” he asked, addressing Harriet. “I told you those two morons would see the light. All right,” he said now. “I don’t see why I can’t tell you. I know for a fact now that there wasn’t just one killer. They were all in it together.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Come again?”

“Don’t you see?” he asked. “All those boy toys—”

“Or toy boys,” Harriet supplied.

“Whatever. They’re all in this together, see?”

I was reluctant to admit I didn’t see, so I just goggled at him.

“They were all sick and tired of having to compete for the attention of the johnny up top, so they decided to do away with Johnny once and for all.”

“I, um… I’m speechless,” I admitted.

“Come on!” he said. “You see it all the time. Humans can only be humiliated by another human for so long, until they start fighting back. Just think of Caesar being killed by his senators. Or all those assassination attempts on Hitler’s life.”

“What have Caesar and Hitler have to do with John Paul George?”

“Everything! Johnny was lording over these guys. They were like his slaves, and slaves will always rise up against their oppressors. These boys were sick and tired of having to perform these… services, night after night. I mean, Johnny wasn’t exactly Brad Pitt. The guy was fat and ugly, and not much fun to please. So they finally decided to whack the guy. They all got together and devised a plan and swore a sacred oath never to tell a soul.”

“Like a conspiracy, huh?”

“Exactly! And since they all swore to keep the secret, there’s no way Chase or the Chief are ever going to find out what happened.” He grinned. “But I’m on to them. Listening to their testimonies convinced me they’re hiding something. And I’m going to reveal their secret. Me! Brutus!”

“They might be hiding the fact that they’re all working as escorts,” I pointed out. “Which isn’t something they want their families to know.”

“No, they’re all in this one big conspiracy to kill their oppressor,” Brutus insisted, “and I’m going to reveal the truth to Chase very soon now.”

Dooley, who’d been staring up at Brutus throughout this long harangue, now swallowed. “Cats rising up to kill their oppressor, huh? I like it.”

“Not cats,” Brutus corrected him lazily. “Boy toys.”

“Or toy boys,” said Harriet.

“Whatever. Boys deciding to stick it to the man. Make him pay for what he did to them. Finally end the era of oppression and humiliation.”

There was a strange fire in Dooley’s eyes, and I could see that Brutus’s words had made a great impact on him. Suddenly I saw why. Killing Brutus, that slightly feverish look on Dooley’s face said, that is what we should do.

I shot him a warning glance, but he simply waggled his eyebrows.

“So where did those boys get the poison?” I asked Brutus.

He waved a careless paw. “Those are minor details. I’m sure that you’ll find that one of those guys had access to a stash of spider venom. Slipping some of it into Johnny’s vial would have been a piece of cake.”

“Maybe one of those boys is Australian,” said Harriet.

“Good thinking, toots,” said Brutus. He pointed at Harriet. “Smart as a whip, this one. Australian spider venom? The Australian boy toy did it.”

“Or toy boy,” said Harriet, putting her head on Brutus’s shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

Dooley, who’d been Harriet’s number one admirer from the first, looked pained. To watch the cat you’ve loved for so long being reduced to playing second fiddle was definitely painful to watch, and even more for him.

Maybe there was something in Dooley’s idea, as he now stared at me imploringly. I finally rolled my eyes and nodded. Maybe there was merit in this. If we couldn’t get rid of Brutus the easy way, maybe we simply had to kill him. And that’s how Operation Kill Brutus was born. Out of Dooley’s love for Harriet, and my exasperation with the brute. Suddenly mixing some little-known exotic poison in the cat’s food didn’t sound all that far-fetched.

We might not have been Brutus’s boy toys—or toy boys—but we were cats being oppressed by a brutal, well, oppressor, and ready to rise up. Now all we needed to do was find one of those Australian funnel-web spiders and convince him to loan us some of his venom. How hard could that be?

Chapter 14

“So, Chase,” said Odelia, once they were all seated at the dinner table. “When are you going to find yourself a place of your own?”

He gave her a level gaze. “Why, do you have a suggestion for me?”

“Chase will find a place when he’s good and ready,” said Mom. “In the meantime he’s happy to stay with Alec, isn’t that right, Alec?”

“Sure,” said the Chief, ladling more mashed potatoes onto his plate and adding a good helping of gravy. “You’re welcome to stay for as long as you like, Chase, I already told you that.”