Ник Сайнт - Purrfect Revenge

“So what happened to your friend?” he asked. “The one that’s been chasing me all over the place?”

“Oh, he’s not our friend,” I hastened to say. “More an acquaintance.”

“Brutus has this theory,” Dooley said. “He wants you to confirm it.”

“Theory? What theory?”

“Well, that your human was killed by a huge, ferocious dog.”

“A dog that bit her head off,” I added helpfully.

“He thinks the Kenspeckles are hiding this dog in the basement, afraid the police will find out and accuse them of being assassins to murder.”

“Accessories,” I corrected him. “Accessories to murder.”

Kane stared at us for a moment, then frowned. He looked even sadder than usual, and bulldogs have a pretty sad face to begin with. "I always knew cats were nuts," he said. "But now I finally have proof. You two are cuckoo."

“Oh, no. We don’t believe any of Brutus’s ideas either,” said Dooley.

“You don’t?” This seemed to surprise the bulldog.

“No, we think he’s cuckoo, too,” I said. “I mean, no dog can produce a bite force of enough pounds of pressure to sever the human spinal cord.” I laughed. “They’d need jaws of steel to accomplish such a feat.” Dooley and Kane were staring at me, so I was quick to add, “I watch the Discovery Channel. MythBusters ? Such a great show. If you’re into that kind of thing, of course.” Which Dooley and my new canine friend obviously weren’t.

“I still don’t get what that’s got to do with me,” said Kane.

“Brutus figures you and this nonexistent Jaws of Steel are buddies, seeing as you’re both dogs and all, and he hopes you’ll squeal on your chum.”

The bulldog’s frown deepened, and now he actually looked like Tommy Lee Jones having a bad day. “He’s crazy,” he said curtly.

“Pretty much our opinion as well,” I said.

“He is crazy,” Dooley confirmed.

“And dangerous. He said he was going to cut me. He’s a menace.”

“Yeah, well, his meow is worse than his bite,” I said.

“If you have to know, I’m the only dog on the premises. There are no other pets allowed in the house—though it’s obvious the Kenspeckles are slacking on the rules now that Shana’s gone. She always said I was her one and only Kenspeckle prince, and she wanted to keep it that way. She got me endorsement deals, and was prepping me for my own TV show, debuting in the fall. Damien was even designing a collection for me. My own fashion line. He was calling it Kane’s Kraze.” He sighed and plunked his head down on his paws, looking sad. “All gone now. No Shana. No TV show. No fashion line.”

“What about the other Kenspeckles?” I asked, feeling sorry for the dog.

“Yeah, I’ll bet they’ll adopt you now,” said Dooley.

He lifted his shoulders in an almost imperceptible shrug. “I liked Shana. She was the sweetest of the bunch.” He licked his snout with his long, pink tongue. “You see what’s happening, don’t you? The minute Shana’s gone they forget about me. I’m going to starve to death in this place. I’ll be forced to fend for myself. Forage for food in the Hampton Cove jungle. Survive.”

“We don’t have a jungle in Hampton Cove,” I said. “Only a park.”

“And a forest. But that’s where Clarice rules,” Dooley added.

“The cat that tried to cut you,” I clarified.

He groaned. “I’m doomed.”

“You’re not doomed. You’re a celebrity,” I said. “You’ve got fan clubs, an Instagram page, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat. Literally millions of fans.”

“I do? I didn’t even know. I guess Shana set all that up in my name.”

“What I mean is that you’ll be well taken care of. You’re an icon, Kane.”

This perked him up a little. At least his ears were pointing up again.

“Yeah, the Kenspeckles aren’t going to let anything happen to you,” Dooley said.

“They almost did. They allowed this crazy cat to chase me around the pool about a billion times and then do a death leap into the pool. Good thing Boa was there, or I might have drowned.”

“Boa?” I asked.

“Stanbury Boa. Bodyguard. He runs the security detail that protects the Kenspeckles.”

“And he’s probably going to get fired,” Dooley muttered.

He was right. Bodyguards get fired when the bodies they're hired to guard are found dead. I wondered why the ax hadn't fallen yet on Boa's employment.

“I’m sure they’re all a little preoccupied right now,” I told Kane. “What with the murder and all. Speaking of murder, we have it from a usually reliable source that you actually witnessed the murder? Is that true?”

He nodded sadly. “Yeah, I was there. And let me tell you, it wasn’t a killer dog that did it. It was a human. Not that I mind humans slaughtering each other. I mean, it’s what they do. But they shouldn’t slaughter my human.”

“I guess,” I said dubiously. I didn’t agree with him, though. All the humans I knew were pretty great, and they would definitely not slaughter other humans. But I guess I could see where he was coming from.

“You know, I don’t even want to know. It’s all so very troubling.”

“But you can confirm that the killer was a masked intruder, right?”

“Yeah. A masked intruder with a big meat cleaver. And now can you please just leave me alone so I can properly wallow in my misery? This is quickly turning into the worst day of my entire life.”

“All right, Kane,” I said, walking over and patting him on the back, being careful not to use my claws. “I’m sorry for your loss, buddy.”

“Yeah, yeah. Save it for the funeral. Oh, and when you see that deranged friend of yours? Tell him that if he ever comes near me again…” He hesitated, thinking hard. Then his face cleared. “Tell him I’ll sic my killer dog friend with the jaws of steel on him, and he’ll devour him in one chomp.”

Dooley was surprised. “I thought you said the killer dog didn’t exist?”

Kane grinned. “Well, he doesn’t know that, does he?”

Which just goes to show even dogs have a measure of intelligence.

Dooley and I stalked off, leaving Kane to feel sorry for himself.

“I kinda dig that dog,” said Dooley. “He’s goofy but nice.”

“Yeah, he’s all right, as dogs go,” I said noncommittally.

“A little sad, though.”

"Which is to be expected. If Odelia were killed I'd be sad, too."

“You’d still have me and Harriet and Marge and Gran and Dr. Poole.”

“True, but Kane has the rest of the Kenspeckles and he’s still sad.”

Kane had Shayonne, Shalonda, Shantel, Sandy, Steel, Camille and Starr Kenspeckle to take care of him. Obviously they were no match for Shana.

We wandered out of the kitchen and down the corridor to the suite of bedrooms. At the end, the corridor took a left turn, ending in an airy and light atrium, where a flight of stairs led down into a basement, and up to the second floor. Voices drifted up to us, so we decided to go and take a look.

“Hey, this might lead to the underground dungeon where the Kenspeckles keep their killer dog,” said Dooley.

“We’ve established that, that dog is a figment of Brutus’s imagination, Dooley.”

“Oh. Right. I forgot. Still, it would be pretty cool if was real, huh?”

“I don’t think so. A dog like that—if it did exist—would eat us for breakfast. Literally. And I don’t know about you, but I value my life.”

All nine of them, actually. We trotted down the stairs and found ourselves in a pretty neat space. Several rooms led off a center hallway. The signs on the doors announced this was where we could find a bar, a game room, an office, a library, and even a nightclub.