Ник Сайнт - Purrfect Advice. Purrfect Passion. A Purrfect Gnomeful

“Jack, that cat is staring at us,” said the big guy.

“Who cares? Cats are dumb creatures,” said the man Jack.

Still, he seemed to think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to discuss murder on his balcony, so they both returned indoors and closed the window.

And as I sat there digesting what I’d just heard, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I’d just solved Kirk’s murder.

Chapter 35

Odelia was starting to appreciate the kind of ordeal referees go through, as she tried to prevent the scene in the room from turning into the sort of ribald riot that slays six.

“Maybe we should take this to the police station,” she now suggested as Gran and Kimmy were face to face and both screaming at the tops of their lungs.

Scarlett, meanwhile, sat with Norma and held her hand as they stared at the match, wondering who’d come out on top.

“Maybe you’re right,” said Chase, standing next to her.

Dooley, Harriet and Brutus had disappeared under the bed. The coffee cup being hurled across the room by Kimmy and shattering into a thousand pieces against the wall clearly had signaled to them it was time to conduct a strategic and orderly retreat.

“You killed him—just admit it already!” Gran yelled. “You were jealous and so you snuck into Allison’s house and stabbed the guy until death did you part!”

“You’re a crazy old bat and you shouldn’t even be allowed out of the bat house where they usually keep you!” Kimmy fired back.

“Confess!”

“Never!”

Just then, Max came padding into the room from the balcony and sidled up to Odelia.

“Odelia?” he said quietly. “I think I may have solved the murder.” She didn’t grasp his meaning at first, what with Gran and Kimmy duking it out at full volume, but when he cleared his throat and repeated, a little louder this time, “I think I’ve just found out who killed Kirk,” she finally paid attention.

And when he regaled her with the amazing conversation he’d just overheard on the balcony, her eyes went a little wider, and her heart rate shot up a few ticks.

“Chase,” she said, in as calm a voice as she could muster. “I think we got the wrong room.”

“What?” he asked over the din.

“We’re in the wrong room!” she cried. “The real killers are one room over!”

This time he paid attention, and as she repeated Max’s words to the cop, he, too, was greatly impressed.

“I better call for backup,” he said. “This sounds like the real deal.” And instantly, he removed himself from present company, taking out his phone.

“What’s happening?” asked Scarlett from the bed.

“I think Max just cracked the case,” said Odelia. “Chase is calling for backup.”

“About time!” Gran cried, who’d heard the word ‘backup.’ “Your time is up, missy. Backup is arriving and they’ll haul your bony ass to prison.”

“My name isn’t Missy, it’s Kimmy, and talking about bony asses, have you looked at yours lately? It’s flat as a pancake and bonier than a skeleton’s.”

“You take that back!” Gran cried, pointing a bony finger in the woman’s face, even as Scarlett laughed loudly. “And you,” said Gran, abruptly turning on Scarlett. “You’re no friend of mine!”

“Oh, here we go again,” said Scarlett with an eyeroll.

“Are you two married by any chance?” asked Norma.

“Married!” Scarlett cried. “No way!”

“Just that you look like an old married couple to me,” said Norma with a shrug.

“We’re not even friends!” said Gran.

Suddenly, from outside, the sound of police sirens could be heard, and they were drawing closer very quickly.

“They shouldn’t have done that,” said Odelia, shaking her head.

“What’s going on?” asked Kimmy.

“The killers are next door,” Odelia explained. “But once they hear the police sirens they’ll probably try to escape.”

“Leave it to me,” said the dark-haired amazon, and disappeared into the bathroom. Moments later she returned with an aluminum baseball bat. “Let’s go, Norma,” she said. “We’ve got ourselves a couple of killers to catch.”

“Are you sure you want to do this, Kimmy?” asked Norma, looking a little startled at this sudden turn of events.

“As long as they don’t catch these guys I’m on the line for murder, sweetheart. So let’s do this!”

“All right, pinky face,” said Norma, and reached underneath her pillow and came out with what looked like a pair of nunchucks. And as she swung them, Odelia could tell that she’d practiced. When she caught Odelia’s gaze, she said, apologetically, “A girl has to be able to defend herself.”

“I’m also going,” said Scarlett.

“But you don’t have a weapon,” said Norma.

Scarlett shook her décolletage. “My girls are all the weapons I need.”

“Oh, count me in, too,” said Gran, and removed a hairpin from her hair and held it like a dagger. “I can do some real damage with this thing, let me tell you,” she announced.

Odelia looked around, but unfortunately she didn’t see anything that could be used as a weapon. But then she remembered she always carried a can of mace in her purse, so she took that out.

And so, armed to the teeth, five ladies exited the room and took up position in front of the door of the room next door. Four cats followed them out. They had their own weapons built in, in the shape of teeth and claws. It was a formidable miniature army, ready for action.

And it was as Odelia had surmised: the moment the sirens stopped in front of the hotel, the door of the room swung open and two men appeared, looking harried. One was thickset, the other scrawny, but both looked a little sinister. The first thing they saw was Scarlett, wiggling her cleavage. They were distracted long enough for Kimmy to lift her baseball bat and lightly tap the biggest one on the head with it. Stars appeared in the man’s eyes, and he promptly dropped to the floor.

Next up was Norma, who used her nunchucks to give the thin guy a clunking across the noggin. It did little to slow him down, though, for he brusquely swept Norma out of the way and made for the corridor. Odelia was waiting for him, though, and unleashed the power of her mace spray into the man’s face. He screamed up a storm, and even more so when Gran applied her hairpin to the man’s buttocks and made him jump. Another delicate caress of Kimmy’s bat did the rest, and soon he was earthbound and lying motionless next to his partner in crime.

And by the time the police arrived, Chase leading the way up from the lobby, all they had to do was handcuff the two villains, who were coming to, and lead them away to the waiting paddy wagon.

“Are you sure these are our guys?” asked Uncle Alec, who’d also joined the circus. “Cause if not, they might sue for assault and battery.”

“They are our guys,” said Odelia, “and they were getting away, so we did you a favor.”

He smiled, and patted her hand. “I knew you’d catch Kirk’s killers sooner or later, honey. I didn’t doubt it for a minute.”

“Actually it’s Max who caught them,” said Odelia.

“Of course he did,” said Uncle Alec, darting an affectionate glance down at the large blorange cat, who looked appropriately proud.

“So are you going to apologize, old lady?” asked Kimmy, taking a firmer grip on her bat.

“Yeah, I guess apologies are in order,” said Chase.

“Look, I’m sorry, all right?” said Gran. “I just figured that you did it, and you were trying to wiggle your way out of it.”

“I’m sorry, too,” said Scarlett. “I really thought you were guilty, Kimmy.”

“I’m not sorry,” said Kimmy, a sudden grin spreading across the face. “I was getting a little bored on this trip, and this was just what I needed to liven things up.”