Ник Сайнт: Purrfect Advice. Purrfect Passion. A Purrfect Gnomeful

“Because she knew that after the initial interview there would be a second one.”

“And the real Daisy would immediately say she hadn’t been at the hotel that day.”

“That’s so… cunning,” said Odelia.

“She is. Very cunning.”

They stared at each other for a beat. “So now what?” asked Odelia.

“Now you tell your uncle to arrest her,” said Max encouragingly.

“We still don’t know why she did it,” said Odelia.

“Oh, I think you can probably guess,” a voice sounded behind her.

Odelia looked up, and found herself staring into the barrel of a small handgun.

Jacqueline, or Maria Power, gestured with the gun. “It might not look like much, but I can assure you it is quite lethal. I got it as a present from one of my husbands. Husband number five, I seem to remember.”

“You’re Maria Power,” said Odelia.

“How did you guess?” asked the woman with a smile.

“I… just put two and two together.”

“Very clever. Please move away from the window.”

Odelia did as she was told. “Why did you do it?”

The actress shrugged. “Isn’t it obvious?”

And then it dawned on Odelia. “The movie. Gnomeo. You didn’t want Heather to sell it to Dan.”

“Or Jack.”

“But why? It’s your greatest movie. The one that launched your career.”

“Exactly. There’s only one problem with that. I’m not in it.”

Odelia stared at the woman, processing this. “You’re…”

“I’m not in the movie. Let’s call that part Hollywood lore. And oh boy, did I excel at selling the story. Of course Finkelstein wasn’t going to deny anything, because he was already dead at that point, and the actors who did play in the movie were all behind the Iron Curtain at the time, where Finkelstein shot his masterpiece. A lot cheaper that way, and very convenient for me. It was indeed my greatest performance—not the movie, but selling the story that I was in the movie, and that I was so great, so amazing, so mesmerizing that Finkelstein didn’t want anyone else to see it so he destroyed every single copy. The movie launched my career all right, but not the way people think.”

“And if the real movie came out it would reveal the truth.”

“And I couldn’t have that, now could I?” She frowned. “Damned Finkelstein. I should have known he’d have kept a copy. Directors have the biggest egos in show business. They hate to destroy their own work. He must have kept it in a vault, and it ended up in the hands of his daughter, who had no idea of its value, thank God.”

“And then into the hands of Heather Gallop.”

“And oh, boy, did she have an idea of its value. She was going to make good, the money-grubbing little tart. First she gave me a chance to buy it—as if she was doing me a favor. A simple case of malicious blackmail, of course. And when I told her I wasn’t going to play along, she said she already had another buyer lined up.”

“Dan Goory.”

Maria nodded. “So I had to put a stop to that.”

“You dressed up as a UPS man and killed Heather, and Dan ended up being blamed.”

“Exactly. Only then Jack Warner called me out of the blue, and told me he’d seen a copy of the movie. Heather had shown it to him, and he’d secretly filmed it with his phone. He said either he was going to tell the world, or…” She grimaced. “Well, he’d always had this sick fascination with me, and now he saw his chance clear to finally having his way with me. So I set up a meeting at the hotel, and he was only too happy to oblige. Only I didn’t show up there as myself, but as one of the cleaners.”

“How did you know it was Daisy Rayo’s day off?”

“Daisy was a big fan. She’d written me many, many times. I knew she worked at the Star, so I simply called her for a little chat, and the silly thing told me everything I needed to know. I said I was doing research for a new part. A reboot of Hotel, where I was to play the role played by Bette Davis in the pilot, and then later Anne Bancroft in the series.”

“You set up that meeting with Dan, didn’t you? This so-called reconciliation?”

“Of course I did. Jack was much too proud to set aside his differences with Dan. So I made sure Dan was right there at the scene, and then it was a simple matter of acting the distraught maid and giving my statement to the first officer on the scene. Easy peasy.”

“And you killed Daisy to make sure she wouldn’t talk.”

Maria nodded. “And now, I’m sorry to say, I’m going to have to do the same with you. A pity, as I really like you. You’ve got spunk, kid.”

“Wait,” said Odelia when Maria lifted the gun and pointed it at her heart. “How are you going to explain this, your fourth murder?”

Maria shrugged. “I’m not. Anyone could have broken in here and shot you.”

“Why—why did you dress up as Jacqueline? I thought you w-were a recluse?” She was frantically looking for a way out, and noticed to her satisfaction that Max was nowhere to be found. He’d gone for help—she hoped!

The famous actress smiled. “Maria Power is a recluse, but I’m not. I’ve always been a social person, and I like to be out and about. The only problem with being a legend is that you can’t socialize the way you used to. People act funny around you. So I invented poor horse-faced Jacqueline. You’d be surprised how nice people are when you look like this.” She gestured to her face. “And I had a lot of fun pretending to be someone I’m not. I am an actress, after all, and I like to think that Jacqueline was my greatest performance.”

Suddenly behind Maria a figure appeared, and as the actress raised the gun once more, and her finger started to squeeze the trigger, some heavy object came down upon her head, and before she could fire a fatal bullet, her eyes turned up in her head and she dropped to the floor.

Gran, for it was her, held up the garden gnome with which she’d knocked out the actress, and bent down to feel her pulse. “She’ll live,” she said simply, and rose to her feet. “Oh, honey. You really should stop putting yourself in these dangerous situations.”

Marge now also came barging in, followed by Tex, Chase, Uncle Alec and Charlene Butterwick. They all stared at the prostrate figure on the floor, and at Gran, who was holding up the gnome triumphantly.

“I never liked gnomes, but I have to admit they can come in very handy indeed!”

Epilogue

“You’re much more cheerful, Max,” said Dooley. “I like it very much.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said. In fact I hadn’t been able to stop smiling all day.

“It’s my jokes, isn’t it? My jokes have put you in a good mood again.”

“Um…”

“It’s very important. You have to keep laughing. It’s the only way to beat the cancer.”

I stared at my friend. “Cancer? What cancer?”

“The brain cancer. The only cure is laughing. All the experts agree on this.”

“Dooley, I don’t have cancer.”

“But you’ve been looking so sad these past couple of days.”

“Because of Hector and Helga turning our house into a dump and eating all of our food, and Odelia being so upset with me. And now that they’re gone, I’m happy again.”

Dooley studied me for a moment. “So… you never had cancer?”

“No, I never had cancer, Dooley.”

Now it was his turn to smile. “That makes me happy.”

“Which in turn makes me happy.”

“Oh, could you guys cut it out already?” said Harriet, who can never stand too much happiness in one gulp.

We were sitting in our usual place, on the porch swing, while all around us a family feast was in full swing. Tex was manning the barbecue, his tongue sticking out of his mouth from the effort he was putting into the thing, and it had to be said, the man was steadily improving. He’d probably never be Guy Fieri but at least the food was edible.