Ник Сайнт - Purrfect Advice. Purrfect Passion. A Purrfect Gnomeful

“Hey, Dad,” said Chase, and Tex grimaced. Tex still wasn’t used to Chase calling him Dad. “So how are things with the gnomes?”

“Oh, don’t ask,” said Tex with a frown. “I made a damn fool of myself by accusing Ted of being a thief. Turns out there’s actual professional gnome thieves on the prowl. We almost caught them at it, but they managed to skedaddle.”

“Gnome thieves, huh? I didn’t even know that was a thing.”

“Yeah, looks like.”

Chase joined Tex on the porch swing and for a moment neither man spoke.

“So do you want me to look into this theft?” asked Chase finally. It would be a nice change from the double homicide he was investigating.

“No, that’s all right,” said Tex. “Ted doesn’t want to involve the police. So he’s asked Vesta instead.”

Chase scoffed a little. “Vesta? I didn’t know she was a detective.”

“Her and Scarlett both. They’re starting a neighborhood watch, and they’re very eager to make their mark.”

Chase groaned. “Oh, dear.”

“Say that again.” Tex smiled and clapped his son-in-law on the knee. “You can still back out, son. It’s not too late.”

“Not a chance in hell, Dad. I’m in this for the long haul.”

Tex gave him a sideways glance. “Yeah, I think you are. More power to you. It’s not easy negotiating the family ties in this particular family.”

“I think I can handle it. I just saw Odelia negotiate with a mouse, so I have a feeling I’m just about ready for anything.”

The doctor laughed. “A mouse?”

“Yeah, apparently Max has recruited a mouse to evict the other mice that have taken over our basement. But first Odelia had to sign a document absolving it of all responsibility in case anything goes wrong with the eviction.” He shook his head. “I swear sometimes I feel like Alice in Wonderland.”

“You’ll get used to it. In fact I think you’re handling yourself amazingly well. I remember when Marge told me about the cat thing. I thought she was pulling my leg, until I saw Vesta scolding a cat about something. It took me a long time to get over my initial shock.”

“Vesta is an acquired taste,” Chase agreed.

They both stared out across the backyard, where Tex’s gnomes were once again dotting the landscape and spreading their particular brand of apple-cheeked delight.

Suddenly, from behind a bush near the back of the yard, Vesta popped up, immediately followed by Scarlett. Moments later, they sank out of sight again.

Tex heaved a deep sigh. “Like I said, you can still back out now, son.”

Chase swallowed, then said, “Nope.”

Tex patted him on the shoulder. “Brave man.”

Chapter 33

I really wanted to be there when Elsa went toe to toe with Hector and Helga, but she’d insisted it was best if she dealt with them singlepawedly and without feline interference, so after setting out some more snacks so she could keep her strength up ahead of the epic battle of the mice, all cats left the house.

It probably was for the best, for it had become clear to me that things might just turn ugly, and I simply hate bloodshed of any kind. Perhaps a little strange for a pet detective but there you have it. I get squeamish at the sight of blood, and Elsa looked as if she was ready to get into a real tussle with her headstrong fellow mice.

As it happens Vesta and Scarlett had asked us to join them on a very important mission, so everything worked out fine. By the time we returned from the mission, the house would finally be mouse-free, apart from Elsa, and I was looking forward to that.

“What do you want us to do?” asked Harriet as we got into Gran’s car.

“We’re going to catch these gnome thieves once and for all,” said Gran. “And since you guys can outrun the rest of us, I want you to jump them when you get the chance, and make them think twice about making fools out of the gnome owners of this town.”

“You only have to ask,” said Harriet, as she sheathed and unsheathed her claws with relish. Even though she balks at going mano a mano with a family of mice, Harriet has no trouble drawing blood when it comes to the more burglarious element of society.

The four of us were all ensconced on the backseat of Gran’s red Peugeot, while she took the wheel, with Scarlett handling navigation duties. Even though the car was outfitted with GPS, Gran preferred to do things the old-fashioned way.

“So just to bring you guys up to speed,” said Gran, and Scarlett giggled. Gran frowned at her friend. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” said Scarlett. “I’m still not used to you talking to your cats like that. It sounds so funny!”

“Well, maybe I’ll teach you,” said Gran.

“Oh, would you?” asked Scarlett excitedly.

“I was kidding. Talking to cats is one of those things you have to be born with. And now are you going to let me finish or what?”

Scarlett rolled her eyes. “You don’t have to be nasty about it. I was just saying—”

“I know what you were saying, and I’m saying you can’t always get what you want. I can talk to cats and you can’t and you’re just going to have to live with that.”

Scarlett turned in her seat. “You know what? If you’re going to be like this, I don’t even want to go on a stakeout with you. Goodbye.” And with these words, she unbuckled her seatbelt and opened the car door to get out.

“Oh, don’t be like that, Scarlett,” said Gran. “I was just kidding.”

“I don’t think you were.”

“All right, I wasn’t. Now are you going to make a big deal out of it?”

Scarlett pursed her lips. “I might.”

“Well, don’t. We’re in this together, you and me. And we gotta see this through. So what do you say? Truce?”

Scarlett continued fuming for a moment, but then shrugged and said, “Truce,” and closed the door again. “You can be such a jerk sometimes, you know that, Vesta?”

“Yeah, I know. But so can you.”

Scarlett laughed an incredulous laugh. “Are you calling me a jerk?”

“You just called me a jerk!”

“That’s because you are one.”

“So are you!”

Scarlett narrowed her eyes, and I waited with bated breath about her next move. Her nails were pretty long and sharp, I saw, and if she used them on Gran she could do some real damage.

But then, much to my surprise, she actually threw her head back and roared with laughter! And even more to my surprise, so did Gran!

“What a pretty pair we are!” said Scarlett, wiping away a tear.

“Two jerks!” said Gran.

“Maybe that’s what we should call ourselves. The Two Jerks Neighborhood Watch.”

Gran laughed again. “Somehow I doubt whether the other members would appreciate that.”

“What other members?” asked Harriet.

Gran turned to us with a twinkle in her eye. “Wait and see,” she said. “You’ll be pleasantly surprised.”

When, at the next stop, Father Reilly joined us, and so did Shanille, surprise was indeed written all over Harriet’s features, but whether it was a pleasant one was hard to say. Somehow her first words told me it wasn’t.

“I should have known you’d stick your nose where it doesn’t belong,” she growled.

Shanille tilted her chin prissily, and said, “If you’d be able to solve these mysteries all by yourselves, your human would never have called in the help of a specialist.”

“Who are you calling a specialist!”

“In one word? Me, myself and I.”

“That’s three words,” Dooley happily announced.

“Oh, shut up, Dooley,” said Harriet and Shanille in unison.

“This is going to be so great,” Brutus muttered, and we shared a look of commiseration.

Father Reilly had squeezed himself into the backseat, and so five cats were forced to occupy whatever space was left, which wasn’t much, I can tell you!