Ник Сайнт: Purrfect Fool. Purrfect Fitness. Purrfect Setup

“I hear you,” I said, wincing a little, for Gran was even more voluble than usual.

Dooley, who’d been attracted by all the hullabaloo, came prancing over from the pantry, where he’d done his business in his litter box. I could tell he’d done number two, for he had that distinct spring in his step and that merry gleam in his eye he gets when successfully managing to exorcise the product of his mastication and digestion process.

“What’s going on?” he asked when he saw Gran’s unhappy face. “Did someone die?”

“No, but someone soon will,” said Gran with a dark frown at the newspaper.

“Oh, no!” said Dooley, his face falling. “I didn’t even know you were sick, Gran. Is it cancer? Or old age?”

Gran gave my best friend a withering look that would have made a more discerning cat wince. “I’m not dying. And for your information, I’m not old. It’s my son.”

“Oh, no! Does Uncle Alec have cancer?”

“Nobody has cancer!” she cried. “He’s getting married!”

Dooley gave me a look of confusion. Usually when humans get married it’s cause for cheer, the prospect of a party making everyone happy. But Gran seemed to liken the occasion to a funeral, which was a novel way of looking at the sacred institution.

“Oh, I get it,” said Dooley. “Uncle Alec is sick and dying and he wants to get married before he dies.” He shook his head sadly. “I liked Uncle Alec. I’ll be sad when he’s gone.”

“Please talk some sense into your friend, Max,” said Gran. “I don’t have the patience.”

“Uncle Alec isn’t dying, Dooley,” I explained. “He’s getting married, and Gran isn’t happy about it.”

“But why?” asked Dooley, an understandable question. But then his face cleared. “Oh, I know! Charlene is pregnant! And Uncle Alec doesn’t want her to have the baby out of wedlock. Just like in that Lifetime movie we saw last week, when Derek the company boss had to marry his secretary Francine when she announced she was pregnant, only she wasn’t pregnant, and only said she was so he would marry her. And then when he found out she wasn’t pregnant after all, he immediately had the wedding annulled.”

Gran gave Dooley a pointed look. “You know, Dooley, that’s something that hadn’t occurred to me. But you’re right. It’s the only possible explanation. Charlene must be expecting a baby. Why else would they suddenly announce their wedding plans?”

“Or it could be that Charlene is dying of cancer,” Dooley suggested. “And Uncle Alec wants her to die as his wife.”

The prospect of her son’s betrothed dying a slow and painful death seemed to please Gran, but then she shook her head. “Nah. He would have told me if she was sick.” She shrugged. “Which means I’m going to be a grandma soon.”

“But… aren’t you a grandma already, Gran?” asked Dooley.

“I hope it’s a boy,” said Gran, ignoring Dooley. “Or twins. A boy and a girl, maybe.”

Dooley gave me a look of supreme worry. For some reason he has this idea that if a newborn enters our family, they’ll get rid of all the cats. And no matter how many times I’ve assured him this is simply not the case, he keeps coming back to the horrifying notion.

“Anyway,” said Gran, getting up and grabbing her newspaper. “Just thought I’d let you know. I can’t tell the rest of the family how I feel about this wedding nonsense, so I hope you’ll keep your mouths shut. Not a word to Alec, you hear? Or the others, for that matter.”

“My lips are sealed, Gran,” I said.

“Your lips look fine to me, Max,” said Dooley, studying my lips intently.

“It’s just an expression, Dooley,” I said. “It means I won’t tell anyone what Gran just told us.”

“That goes for you, too, Dooley,” said Gran. “If word gets out that the groom’s mom opposes the wedding, there will be hell to pay.”

And with these words, she stomped off again, her face a thundercloud.

Somehow I had the feeling it wouldn’t be long before the entire town of Hampton Cove would know exactly how Gran felt about the wedding. We might be able to keep our mouths shut, but would Gran?

Chapter 2

“So… let me get this straight,” said Dooley. “Uncle Alec is getting married to his girlfriend because she’s dying? Or because he’s dying? Or because she’s pregnant?”

“I have no idea, Dooley,” I said, still holding out a faint hope to have that nap.

“Or maybe Charlene is dying and she’s pregnant!” His furry face fell. “I hope she’ll be able to deliver the baby before she dies, Max.”

“I’m sure that Uncle Alec and Charlene are simply getting married because they love each other,” I said. “And that there is no pregnancy and that no one is dying.”

“Or it could be that Uncle Alec is pregnant,” said Dooley, my reassurances landing on deaf ears as usual. “He looks like he’s pregnant, with that very big belly of his.”

“Uncle Alec is pregnant?!” suddenly a cry sounded from the kitchen. I looked up and saw that Harriet and Brutus had arrived, the other two cats that make up our household.

Brutus is a butch black cat, and also Harriet’s boyfriend, who’s a white Persian. They both looked flabbergasted by this piece of news.

“Uncle Alec can’t be pregnant,” I said with a laugh. “Men don’t get pregnant, you guys.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that, Max,” said Brutus. “Nowadays everybody can get pregnant.”

“He’s right,” said Dooley. “I saw a documentary on the Discovery Channel the other night about a man who delivered a healthy baby boy.”

“So let me get this straight,” said Harriet. “Uncle Alec is pregnant… with a boy?”

I heaved a deep sigh. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to get any naptime anytime soon with this lot launching into a discussion on my human’s uncle being pregnant.

“As I understand it now,” said Dooley, “Uncle Alec is pregnant, and his future wife Charlene is also pregnant, and dying, which is why they’re tying the knot in a hurry.”

Harriet’s eye went a little wider. “Uncle Alec and Charlene are getting married?”

“Yeah, looks like it,” I said. At least that part of the story was undoubtedly true.

“But… he can’t get married!” said Harriet. “Odelia and Chase are getting married. Uncle Alec can’t steal her thunder—it’s just not fair!”

“Exactly what Gran said,” I agreed, nodding. I watched that fat fly flit hither and thither, and was already yearning for the good old days when it had been just me and it.

“We have to do something about this, you guys!” said Harriet, getting all worked up now. “We can’t let this wedding take place!”

“It has to take place,” said Dooley. “Because Charlene and Uncle Alec are both dying, and they’re both pregnant, too, so they have to get married before it’s too late.”

“Dooley!” said Harriet. “Are you serious?!”

I felt it was time to intervene before things got completely out of hand. “Look, the only thing we know for sure is that a wedding has been announced and will be taking place between Uncle Alec and Charlene,” I said. “The rest is just idle speculation.”

“But—” said Dooley.

“Idle speculation,” I repeated emphatically.

As I’d expected, my words acted like oil on the raging waters of Harriet’s indignation and Dooley’s rampant imagination, and for a few moments a pleasant silence reigned.

Then Dooley said, “Maybe Odelia is pregnant, too, and very soon she’ll kick us all out, because everybody knows that cats and babies don’t mix, so there’s that to consider.”

“Oh, Dooley,” I said, and that big fly, which had taken advantage of me being distracted by landing on the tip of my nose, said, “If you want, I can go and find out for you, cat.”