Lynda La Plante - Civvies

Dillon was brought in and directed to a table on the far side of the room from Cliff. He sat down and looked expectantly towards the door as the visitors filed in, eager for his first glimpse of Susie. The clamour was tremendous, women moving along the aisles, many with toddlers in tow, some carrying babies. Around the human arena the wardens kept up their steady pacing and relentless steely-eyed scrutiny. At last he saw her, moving through the tables, and something strange happened. He thought he was strong, that he could face anything, had built up his resolve to get him through each minute of every day as a prisoner on remand. But the moment he saw her his strength and resolve just crumbled away. His insides seemed to shrink, and he had to turn away because his face was too naked and vulnerable. Tough guy Dillon who could throw himself out of a Here at 800 feet, and yet this particular ordeal nearly did for him. He understood now how a man's reason could snap, as easily and suddenly and fatally as a brittle pencil point.

'They made me wait almost two hours.' Susie gave him a quick smile, sounding out of breath. She had a paper bag with her, and from her handbag produced a manila envelope. 'I brought all your letters from the C.O. You'll give them to the lawyer?'

Dillon nodded. He couldn't trust himself to speak. He took the envelope to give his hands something to do. His mouth was dry as dust and his palms were cold and damp.

'Is there anything else you need?'

'No,' Dillon croaked. He cleared his throat. 'I got everything.'

'He said the trial will be in ten – ten to twelve weeks.'

'Yeah. That's right.'

'He said you'd moved cells. You're sharing now. All right, is it?' Susie raised her eyebrows. It was stupid small talk, but what else was there? You couldn't talk about the weather to a man inside.

'Guy's a nutter, but I'll make out,' Dillon said, making an effort. He found the strength to look into her eyes, and that gave him hope. He said, 'We been set up, it'll just be a question of gettin' the facts right, that Newman's got to be palmin' somebody. He denies we were in the warehouse, he's a liar, he's got them in his pay. I sussed that out.' His voice hardened as his confidence grew. 'Cliff saw the furniture van, he saw it, that's why we knew he was involved, right? That's why we went to his place, that's where we got the wages, they were still in the packets.' Faster now, gathering pace, urgent. 'I mean, if we'd been gonna rob somebody, we had every opportunity. He had the stolen gems, diamonds. If we'd been gonna pull a robbery we'd have, we'd have…'

His voice faltered, tailed away. Susie waited a moment. Then she said, as gently as she could with all the racket going on, 'Frank, you said this last time I was here… it's me, and I believe you. You don't have to prove anything to me, you know that. I believe you.'

Dillon nodded. He glanced away, as if embarrassed. 'Sorry, it's just that's all I keep thinking about. I'm sorry.' He looked at the envelope, rolled into a tight tube in his hands, and then up at her. 'They not mentioned anythin' else to you, have they? The cops?'

Dillon looked relieved when she shook her head, though Susie had no idea why. It was something he kept harping on, every time she visited, and she was too scared to ask the reason. What else could there be?

'We'll be out,' Dillon said, and this time his confidence seemed real, as if he actually believed it himself. 'They can't keep us in here. Me and Harry'll get the firm back on its feet in no time.' He even found the old Dillon grin. 'I can keep Harry in line – I told him he should've handed over that ruddy gun, but… but…' His head dropped, eyes shut tight. 'Sorry, I'm sorry.'

Susie looked away. Her face had gone bright red. She bit her lip and stared at a toddler on his mother's lap. She opened her hand and discovered a wadded-up tissue, but didn't dare use it.

'Do you want to see the boys?' Susie glanced again at the toddler and back at him. 'Frank?'

'No. Not here. I don't want them to see me in here. Besides, I'll be out soon, lawyer's very confident, well as confident as a twat can be. Did you bring all my papers, letters from the C.O.?' He then remembered he was holding them. 'Oh yes, yes, thanks… cigarettes?'

Susie pushed the bag towards him. Dillon stared at it, eyes glazed, nodding like a mechanical doll. There was a silence between them, a dreadful chasm of silence too wide to shout across. Susie's fingers crept forward, nearly touching his, then curled up, like a plant withering in the frost. Dillon was dumb, no words left in him, no sounds at all, except screams.

Susie burst out brightly, 'I've got a job – restaurant. Pay's not bad, and Mum's been… I'll look round for something better. Mr. Marway's sorting things out with the bank, his family have rallied round. I don't think he'll lose his business. I passed on any accounts we still had left. Not much, but…' Huge glistening tears rolled down her cheeks, dripped off her chin. '… the Chinese an'…'

Susie gulped but kept right on.

'Shirley and me came here together, she's really showing now. I see her when I can, an' – oh Harry, he gave her his microwave an' I gave her the Hoover from the office. Mum was uptight, said she could've done with it.' Susie used the tissue to wipe her face, blotchy red and swollen. 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry.'

The bell rang. Two minutes to changeover. Twenty in, twenty out.

Dillon came back to life. He took a deep breath and said breezily, 'Well, that's it. Thanks for coming all this way. Give the boys my love. You tell them I joined up, gone abroad. Maybe tell 'em I'm with Jimmy in Colombia. I can get the lads to send cards, put my name on for me…'

'I won't lie to them, Frank.' Susie's eyes were moist but she wasn't crying any more. 'There's been enough of that. I'll see you in two weeks' time. You sure there's nothing you want…?'

The bell rang again. Final warning.

'… they said I can send in paperbacks.'

'No.' Dillon was deathly pale. 'I'm fine.'

Susie pushed herself up, the wet tissue tight in her fist. She came round the table and bent to kiss him. Dillon averted his face, and she kissed his cheek. A warden passed by, making sure nothing was exchanged except this brief, formal token of affection, and carried on pacing, eyes on the next couple.

Women were moving along the aisles towards the main door. Some of the children were crying. Susie followed the woman and the toddler from the next table. She turned back, raising her voice above the shuffle and squeak of feet on the composition floor.

'I forgot to tell you – I passed my driving test!'

Sitting with his hands clasped on the table in front of him, Dillon slowly turned his head. He nodded, and with a supreme effort, forced a frozen smile. Susie looked at him across the unbridgeable chasm of perhaps ten feet that separated them. She took a pace towards him. Her hand came up, pressed flat against her chest, fingers splayed. She turned and followed the woman and toddler out.

Dillon looked straight ahead, no expression on his face, no movement in his body, arms and shoulders locked solid, his spine an iron bar, holding onto himself with a rigid, unbearable tension, so that the single thin strangulated sound that escaped from him seemed to come from nowhere, from the ether, or a part of him that has no name in human anatomy. A silent cry from his heart, as if it were slowly being torn apart, his sense of loss consumed him, remaining locked tightly inside as he was led back to his cell. There the loss remained, as if held in by steel straps. He was sitting on his bunk, dead-eyed, unaware of where he was or of the man lying prone on the next bunk. Held inside him, as if bound by mental steel straps, was the mounting fury, like a fever. He had no one and no place to let it free. He knew he had brought this on himself, it was his fault, no one else's.