Iain Banks: The Business

'Who's he?'

'That is Gerald, my chauffeur. Say hello, Gerald.'

'Aye-aye. Y'all right, hen?'

'Aye…Zat him fixin the tyre, aye, missis?'

'Yes. We had a puncture. He's changing the wheel.'

'Aw aye.'

'How are we doing there, Gerald?'

'Getting there, ma'am. Getting there.'

'Now, what is your name?'

'Ahm no supposed to talk tae strangers. Ma maw telt me.'

'Gerald, introduce us.'

'What's that, ma'am?'

'Introduce us, please, dear boy, as best you can.'

'Ah, Mrs Telman, this is, ah, the bairn you're talking to. Bairn, this is Mrs Telman.'

'Aw aye.'

'There. We've been introduced. I am not a stranger any more. Now, what is your name?…Close your mouth, child. It's unbecoming. What is your name?'

'Ma maw sez…'

'Please, miss, her name's Katie McGurk.'

'Oh, hello.'

'Boaby Clark, you're just a wee clipe, so ye are.'

'Least ah've goat a da.'

'Ah widnae want a da like yours; he's just a waster.'

'Ah, still, but. At least ah've goat wan. More than you huv.'

'Just you fuck oaf, ye wee four-eyed cunt!'

'You're a wee cow! Ah'm tellin ma mum you said that!'

'…Katie?'

'Whit?'

'Here.'

'Whit's that?'

'It's a handkerchief. Go on. Take it.'

'No thanks.'

'I see. I take it that young man was Bobby Clark?'

'Aye. Wee shite.'

'Kate, I confess I am genuinely shocked. I didn't know children your age used the sort of language you did. Exactly how old are you, Kate?'

'Eight and a half.'

'Dear God.'

'How old are you, then?'

'My, you do recover quickly. You're very impertinent, too. Gerald, cover your ears.'

'Ma hands are a bit mucky, ma'am, but I shall endeavour to keep my lugs averted.'

'How gallant. I am forty-eight, Kate.'

'Goad, that's dead old, issit no? Ma gran's no that old.'

'Thank you for your thoughts on the matter, Kate. Actually it's not terribly old at all and I don't think I have ever felt better about my life. However. What exactly are you and your young friends doing over there?'

'Missis, we're havin Olympic Games.'

'Are you indeed? And I thought it was just a bunch of little kids playing on a bit of muddy waste ground in the drizzle. What sports are you playing?'

'Och, loads. Jumpin an runnin an that.'

'And what are you playing, Kate?'

'Ahm no. Ahm sellin the sweeties an stuff.'

'Is that what you have in your bag?'

'It's ma ma's. It's old, but she said ah could have it. Ah didnae nick it or anyhin. Ah repaired the handle massel. See?'

'I see. So, you're running the refreshment concession, are you?'

'Whit?'

'Never mind. May I buy one of your sweets?'

'Aye. Ah've no many left, but. An there's nae fizz.'

'No fizz?'

'Aye. Nae Irn Bru, or American Cream Soda. Ah finished both bottles.'

'Just a sweet will do, then.'

'Whit dae ye want? Ah've Penny Dainties and Black Jacks. Or there's a few wee lucky-bag sweeties left.'

'I'll have a Penny Dainty, please.'

'That's a penny ha'penny.'

'How much?'

'A penny ha'penny.'

'A penny and a ha'penny?'

'Aye.'

'For a Penny Dainty?'

'That's the price.'

'But that's a fifty-per-cent mark-up on the normal retail charge.'

'Aye, still, but. That's the price.'

'So you said. Rather steep, though, isn't it?'

'Aye, but that's the price. D'ye want it or no?'

'Gerald, do you have any change?'

'Aye, ma'am. Hold on…Ah, I've got a thruppenny bit. That any use, ma'am?'

'Thank you, Gerald. Would you like a sweet?'

'Thanks, ma'am. Aye, wouldnae mind.'

'Tell you what, Kate. I'll give you tuppence ha'penny for two Penny Dainties. How's that?'

'Nut.'

'Why not?'

'Two's thruppence.'

'But I'm buying in bulk, relatively. I'm looking for a discount.'

'Whit? Whissat?'

'Didn't you get a discount for buying in bulk when you bought your stock?'

'Missis, ah goat these oot the machine at the bus station.'

'Ah, so you paid full retail. Still, that's your problem. My offer stands. Tuppence ha'penny for two.'

'Nut.'

'Kate, your little friends look like they're finishing their games. You might not sell much more. You could be left with unsold stock. It's a good offer. Here: take the thruppence. Then you give me two Penny Dainties, and a ha'penny change.'

'Nut. Two cost thruppence.'

'One can be too stubborn in the retail business, Kate. Flexibility is what carries a concern through changing circumstances.'

'Whit?'

'The rain's getting heavier, Kate. I'm sitting here in the dry. You're getting soaked and your pals are leaving. Two for tuppence ha'penny.'

'Nut.'

'You're being pigheaded, Kate. Maintaining or adjusting your margins should be a matter of practical calculation, not pride.'

'Ah know. Gie us the thruppence an I'll give ye the two Penny Dainties an ah'll gie a Black Jack as well. They're usually two fur a penny ha'penny or three fur tuppence.'

'Getting rid of more stock. Very sensible. Okay. It's a deal. There you are. Thank you. Gerald?'

'Ma'am?'

'Catch.'

'Thanks.'

'Here, Kate. You have the Black Jack back: I think it might stain my teeth…Now what?'

'Ma maw sez never take sweeties frae strangers.'

'Kate, don't be ridiculous: you just sold me this. However, your mother is quite right, I suppose. If you don't want it…'

'Na, okay, then. Ta.'

'My, you were hungry.'

'Aye. No much eatin in wan a those.'

'How's it going, Gerald?'

'Nearly there, ma'am. Just doin up the nuts. Be back on the road in five minutes.'

'Fine. Do you do this often, Kate?'

'Whit? Sellin stuff?'

'Yes.'

'Nut. Nivir done it before. Want tae know a secret?'

'What was that? A secret?'

'Aye. Promise ye'll no tell anybudy but?'

'I promise.'

'Cross yer hert an hope tae die?'

'Absolutely.'

'Ah goat the money frum ma uncle Jimmy. He let me play wi the pennies.'

'Oh. Really?'

'Aye, they're Irish pennies, cos he'd been tae Ireland on his boat.'

'Irish pennies?'

'Aye. They're the same shape as oors, an that, cept they've goat harps oan them. But the machine doon the bus station takes them fine.'

'And your uncle just gave you these? You didn't have to pay for them?'

'Nut. He just gied us them.'

'Ha! So you didn't pay full retail at all! Every penny you made was clear profit! You little rogue! Did you hear that, Gerald?'

'I'm shocked and appalled, ma'am. Enterprising wean, though.'

'Aye, but no fur everyhin. Ah had tae pay ma own money fur sum oh the sweeties, and the bottles oh fizz ah hud tae pretend ah wiz gettin fur ma maw. Ah've still tae take full yins back tae her.'

'And how much were you charging for the pop?'

'Penny a cup.'

'Those your mum's teacups?'

'Aye, missis. We'll no need thim till taenight.'

'I see. Oh, hello. Who's this, Kate?'

'This is Simon.'

'How do you do, Simon.'

'Hello, miss. Katie, it's affy wet. Ah want tae go hame. Zat okay? Ye cummin?'

'Aye. Here's the Penny Dainty. Dae ye want some lucky-bag sweeties an aw?'

'Awaye.'

'Ah'll gie ye them when ah get hame, okay?'

'Aw aye, that's gret. Thanks, Katie. Can we go noo, though but? Ahm soakin. Ah fell in the water jump.'

'Ah-hah. Let me guess: Simon here is your security.'

'Nut. He's makin sure nun ah these wee shites nick ma money.'

'Same thing. Katie, I'm sure you won't accept a lift from a stranger, but could you tell me where you live? I'd like to talk to your mother.'

'Missis, you said ye widnae say anyhin! Goad'll git ye fur crossin yer hert an hopin tae die! Ye'll die, so ye will! Aye, an ah'm no fuckin kiddin!'

'Kate, Kate, calm down. I'm not going to say anything about the nature of your capital…about the pennies you used down the bus station. I swore I wouldn't, and I won't.'