Eoin Colfer - Plugged

Don’t be like that. I haven’t abandoned you, but I’m on the clock with Deacon. They’re going to ice her, man.

That makes two of us , says Ghost Zeb. Why don’t you do something about my problem, since you’re just sitting there? Have you even thought of a plan yet?

I roll my eyes, which must look strange to the old lady in the seat opposite giving me the glare treatment.

I’m a little preoccupied at the moment.

Not so preoccupied that your brain doesn’t have a few spare cells to conjure me up .

Okay, okay. I have been thinking about this, as you perfectly well know. Let me make a call.

Make your call, Judas .

Hey, Judas wasn’t Irish.

Just make the call .

One call then I’m back on Deacon.

It takes me a minute to remember Corporal Tommy Fletcher’s number. I punch it in carefully, big fingers little buttons.

From what I hear, Irish Mike Madden has family in Ireland. Maybe Tommy can do a little recon, get us some leverage.

It’s a start, I suppose , says Zeb, unwilling to give up his sulk. But don’t think you’re off the hook. If you don’t find the real me, I’m gonna move into your temporal lobe permanently .

Great. Another ultimatum, just what I need.

Tommy answers when I’m on the point of hanging up.

‘What the fuck?’ he says instead of plain old hello, which is a pretty standard opener for Corporal Fletcher as far as I remember.

‘Is that any way to talk to your sergeant?’ I ask, half smiling in spite of the whirlwind of crap spinning around me.

‘I’m not in the army no more,’ grumbles Tommy. ‘Especially not at four in the bloody morning. I got a headache and it’s nearly bedtime.’ Tommy draws a sharp breath as he realises who he’s talking to. ‘Daniel? Dan fucking McEvoy? Is that the big jackeen himself?’

‘That’s Sergeant McEvoy to you, Fletcher.’

‘Danny, brother. Are you in country? We gotta party. We gotta go crazy, man. You ever see a one-legged man dance? So, where are you, Sarge?’

‘I’m overseas, Corporal.’

‘Still knocking heads?’

‘A few. That’s why I’m calling.’

‘Something I can help you with?’

Tommy always caught on fast. ‘I have a little recon mission for you, if you’re up to it.’

There is an uncomfortable silence, then Tommy mumbles, ‘Thing is, Dan, I don’t really do that kind of thing any more. I got kids. .’

Now I feel bad. ‘Forget I mentioned it, Tommy. I didn’t realise. .’

Tommy cackles. ‘Just screwing with you, Sarge. Course I’m up for it. No killing gypsies, though. I had a curse put on me.’

‘No gypsicide, honest. I just need you to trace the roots of a certain family tree.’

‘What?’

‘Find a few people. But be careful, they have dangerous relatives.’

Tommy is unimpressed. ‘Shit, my brother has a dangerous relative. Who do you need me to find?’

I give Tommy the details and he promises to get back to me asa-f-p.

I never wanted a phone before, but I’m starting to realise how convenient they are.

Irish Mike is paying for the call too , chuckles Zeb, coming out of his funk. Nice touch .

I must have chuckled too, because now the old lady opposite is showing me her can of Mace.

It’s early evening by the time I finally get where I’m going in Farmington. This is not the sort of place doormen are usually required. The entire avenue is so wholesome and autumnal that it reminds me of Ireland. Even in these circumstances I can feel the first lilting twinges of the immigrant gene kicking in.

Farmington is even nicer than Cloisters; far too nice, you would think, to have a criminal underbelly, but as I found out only hours ago, the Farmington criminal underbelly is doing quite well. On this avenue especially.

I do the last mile from the bus stop on foot, humping the weapons bag, and find a bench to rest my weary frame while I finish off my Big Bell Box meal.

The spicy food reminds me of Monterrey, and I can’t help wondering how fast I could get there.

Yeah, that’s right, amigo. Pack up and leave me to rot .

Calm down. I called Tommy, didn’t I? Wheels are in motion. Now piss off and let me think.

You think too much. You need to get out of your head and into the real world .

Irony. Must be.

So I sit on the bench, reining in my aura, trying to look like a member of the community and not an ex-army doorman sent to rip off a steroid lab. I chew my burrito awhile and grudgingly admit that Faber and Goran had a sweet deal figured.

Back in Cloisters, Faber got a little teary spelling it out.

‘As an attorney in the city, I represent a lot of drug people. I get to know them, they fill me in on every detail of their operation, and armed with this information, I get them off most of the time.’

I remember making myself pay attention, even though half my brain cells were fried from the anklet jolt and the rest were threatening to break apart and liquefy.

‘So a year goes by, maybe eighteen months, these guys have forgotten all about their natty attorney, when one of their labs gets busted by the cops. First through the door is my dead friend, Detective Goran, followed closely by a few of my own humps all rigged out in DEA armour and helmets. They secure the bad guys, load the drugs into the van and that’s all she wrote. Our fake police squad drives away, leaving the ripped-off drug merchants hog-tied with PlastiCuffs. Sometimes we load a couple in the van for show, then toss ’em a few blocks later.’

He leaned back on his heels, waiting for me to think it through, appreciate his genius. Which I did.

‘So the theft is never reported.’

‘What are they gonna say? Is that the police? I’d like to report that you people stole my drugs? Don’t think so.’

‘And you got a buyer?’

‘I represent a lot of drug guys. They figure I’m brokering for another client.’

That was pretty good, so I said: ‘That’s pretty goddamn good, Jaryd.’

Faber couldn’t help preening. ‘Why thank you, Daniel.’

‘But now you’re screwed because your pet detective is dead.’

Pet detective , says GZ. Nice .

‘And I’m guessing Goran wasn’t stupid enough to let you keep the riot gear.’

‘Correct. Goran headed up operations in the field; I did the planning.’

‘It’s a good plan. Sweet, the kids might say.’

‘Again, thank you. But much as I appreciate your appreciation, I need more than that before I let you go after my package.’

In Ireland, going after a guy’s package means grabbing him by the balls. I think Faber is talking about his drugs again.

‘You read my file?’

‘No. Any good bits?’

‘I have a special skill set.’

‘Any of those skills relevant?’

‘Shit, Faber, if your package was in Fallujah I could extract it.’

Faber licked his lips. Extract . He liked that bit of military.

‘It begins with an F, but it ain’t Fallujah.’

Ten minutes later, Faber had Deacon’s computer on his knee and was scrolling my file.

‘Kee-rist almighty, Daniel. This reads good. You kill anyone over there?’

‘Only the ones that died. What’s in this for me, Faber? If I’m gonna be a criminal, I might as well get paid.’

I figured if anyone could understand greed, it would be a lawyer.

‘You get my package and I’ll give you fifty grand plus your life back.’

He was lying and we both knew it; what we didn’t know was if the other person knew we knew it.

What are you, six?

‘Okay, Faber. You got a deal. Cut me loose and give me the details.’