Philip Kerr - Berlin Noir

‘If you know who I am, then you know I’m a private investigator. These two are wanted for murder.’

I didn’t see the India Rubber so much as hear it sweep through the air towards my head. In the split second before I hit the floor and lost consciousness I told myself that I was getting tired of being knocked out.

Glockenspiel and big bass drum. What was that tune again? Little Anna of Tharau is the One I Love ? No, not so much a tune as a number 51 tram to the Schonhauser Alice Depot. The bell clanged and the car shook as we raced through Schillerstrasse, Pankow, Breite Strasse. The giant Olympic bell in the great clock-tower tolling to the opening and closing of the Games. Herr Starter Miller’s pistol, and the crowd yelling as Joe Louis sprinted up towards me and then put me on the deck for the second time in the round. A four-engined Junkers monoplane roaring through the night skies to Croydon taking my scrambled brains away with it. I heard myself say:

‘Just drop me off at Lake Ploetzen.’

My head throbbed like a hot Dobermann. I tried raising it from the floor of the car, and found that my hands were handcuffed behind me; but the sudden, violent pain in my head made me oblivious to anything else but not moving my head again…

… a hundred thousand jackboots goose-stepping their way up Unter den Linden, with a man pointing a microphone down at them to pick up the awe-inspiring sound of an army crunching like an enormous great horse. An air-raid alarm. A barrage being laid down on the enemy trenches to cover the advance. Just as we were going over the top a big one exploded right above our heads, and blew us all off our feet. Cowering in a shell-hole full of incinerated frogs, with my head inside a grand piano, my ears ringing as the hammers hit the strings, I waited for the sound of battle to end…

Groggy, I felt myself being pulled out of the car, and then half carried, half dragged into a building. The handcuffs were removed, and I was sat down on a chair and held there so as to stop me falling off it. A man smelling of carbolic and wearing a uniform went through my pockets. As he pulled their linings inside out, I felt the collar of my jacket sticky against my neck, and when I touched it I found that it was blood from where I had been sapped. After that someone took a quick look at my head and said that I was fit enough to answer a few questions, although he might just as well have said I was ready to putt the shot. They got me a coffee and a cigarette.

‘Do you know where you are?’ I had to stop myself from shaking my head before mumbling that I didn’t.

‘You’re at the Königs Weg Kripo Stelle, in the Grunewald.’ I sipped some of my coffee and nodded slowly.

‘I am Kriminalinspektor Hingsen,’ said the man. ‘And this is Wachmeister Wentz.’ He jerked his head at the uniformed man standing beside him, the one who smelt of carbolic. ‘Perhaps you’d care to tell us what happened.’

‘If your lot hadn’t hit me so hard I might find it easier to remember,’ I heard myself croak.

The Inspektor glanced at the sergeant, who shrugged blankly. ‘We didn’t hit you,’ he said.

‘What’s that?’

‘I said, we didn’t hit you.’

Gingerly, I touched the back of my head, and then inspected the dried blood on my fingers’ ends. ‘I suppose I did this when I was brushing my hair, is that it?’

‘You tell us,’ said the Inspektor. I heard myself sigh.

‘What is going on here? I don’t understand. You’ve seen my ID, haven’t you?’

‘Yes,’ said the Inspektor. ‘Look, why don’t you start at the beginning? Assume we know absolutely nothing.’

I resisted the rather obvious temptation, and started to explain as best as I was able. ‘I’m working on a case,’ I said. ‘Haupthändler and the girl are wanted for murder -’

‘Now wait a minute,’ he said. ‘Who’s Haupthändler?’

I felt myself frown and tried harder to concentrate. ‘No, I remember now. They’re calling themselves the Teichmüllers now. Haupthändler and Eva had two new passports, which Jeschonnek organized.’

The Inspektor rocked on his heels at that. ‘Now we’re getting somewhere. Gert Jeschonnek. The body we found, right?’ He turned to his sergeant who produced my Walther PPK at the end of a piece of string from out of a paper bag.

‘Is this your gun, Herr Gunther?’ said the sergeant.

‘Yes, yes,’ I said tiredly. ‘It’s all right, I killed him. It was self-defence. He was going for his gun. He was there to make a deal with Haupthändler. Or Teichmüller, as he’s now calling himself.’ Once again I saw the Inspektor and the sergeant exchange that look. I was starting to get worried.

‘Tell us about this Herr Teichmüller,’ said the sergeant.

‘Haupthändler,’ I said correcting him angrily. ‘You have got him, haven’t you?’ The Inspektor pursed his lips and shook his head. ‘The girl, Eva, what about her?’ He folded his arms and looked at me squarely.

‘Now look, Gunther. Don’t give us the cold cabbage. A neighbour reported hearing a shot. We found you unconscious, a dead body, and two pistols, each of them fired, and a lot of foreign currency. No Teichmüllers, no Haupthändler, no Eva.’

‘No diamonds?’ He shook his head.

The Inspektor, a fat, greasy, weary-looking man with tobacco-stained teeth, sat down opposite me and offered me another cigarette. He took one himself and lit us both in silence. When he spoke again his voice sounded almost friendly.

‘You used to be a bull, didn’t you?’ I nodded, painfully. ‘I thought I recognized the name. You were quite a good one too, as I recall.’

‘Thanks,’ I said.

‘So I don’t have to tell you of all people how this looks from my side of the charge-sheet.’

‘Bad, eh?’

‘Worse than bad.’ The Inspektor rolled his cigarette between his lips for a moment, and winced as the smoke stung his eyeballs. ‘Want me to call you a lawyer?’

‘Thanks, no. But as long as you’re in the mood to do an ex-bull a favour, there is one thing you could do. I’ve got an assistant, Inge Lorenz. Perhaps you would telephone her and let her know I’m being held.’ He gave me a pencil and paper and I wrote down three phone numbers. The Inspektor seemed a decent sort of fellow, and I wanted to tell him that Inge had gone missing after driving my car to Wannsee. But that would have meant them searching my car and finding Marlene Sahm’s diary, which would undoubtedly have incriminated her.

Maybe Inge had been taken ill, and had caught a cab somewhere, knowing that I’d be along to pick up the car. Maybe.

‘What about friends on the force? Somebody up at the Alex perhaps.’

‘Bruno Stahlecker,’ I said. ‘He can vouch that I’m kind to children and stray dogs, but that’s about it.’

‘Too bad.’ I thought for a moment. About the only thing that I could do was call the two Gestapo thugs who had ransacked my office, and throw them what I’d learned. It was a fair bet they’d be very unhappy with me, and I guessed that calling them would as likely win me an all-expenses trip to a K Z, as letting the local Inspektor charge me with Gert Jeschonnek’s murder.

I’m not a gambling man, but they were the only cards I had.

Kriminalkommissar Jost drew thoughtfully on his pipe.

‘It’s an interesting theory,’ he said. Dietz stopped playing with his moustache for long enough to snort contemptuously. Jost looked at his Inspektor for a moment, and then at me. ‘But as you can see, my colleague finds it somewhat improbable.’

‘That’s putting it lightly, mulemouth,’ muttered Dietz. Since scaring my secretary and smashing my last good bottle he seemed to have got uglier.