Rosamund Lupton - Afterwards

And yes, I’m proud.

I always was, secretly.

But I didn’t share her need to know. I only ever wanted to find the truth to clear Adam, nothing beyond that. And I also knew that she had plenty of time, because that’s what I would give her. I would win that argument.

‘I need to remember it all, Mum,’ she said. ‘Because if I don’t, it’s like a part of my life didn’t happen. The part of it that changed everything.’

I understood why she needed to know and I had to respect it. And I would be ready to protect her if she got too close to the fire.

We went towards Rowena’s room, because Jen had had her ‘mad person’s tinnitus’ memory there. At the time, we’d thought it was the smell of Donald, not Maisie, that had prompted it.

As we walked, we pieced together what Jenny had remembered of Wednesday afternoon so far. We knew that she’d taken two large bottles of water from the school kitchens and gone outside, using the side entrance. She’d heard the fire alarm and thought it was a mistake or a practice. She’d been worried Annette wouldn’t know what to do, so she’d put the bottles of water down by the kitchen entrance, and gone back in. Inside she’d smelt smoke and known it wasn’t a practice.

We reached Rowena’s room. Jenny closed her eyes. I wondered which of the scents in the room had prompted her memory last time – perhaps Maisie wore perfume that I hadn’t consciously noticed before. Her cardigan was still draped over a chair. She must have left it behind when she was arrested.

I waited with Jenny for a few minutes; three or four maybe.

I braced myself to face the stranger that my friend had become.

‘I’m taking water out of the kitchen,’ Jenny said. ‘I get outside. The fire alarm is making a hell of a din. I think Annette won’t know what to do. So I put the water down and go back in. Bloody hell, it really is a fire.’

She broke off. We’d got to this point before. The only new thing was that we thought her mobile phone had fallen out of her pocket when she put the water down.

Jenny took my hand.

‘I was afraid to do this alone,’ she said. ‘I mean, go any further.’

But I already knew that was why she had waited for me first.

She closed her eyes again.

‘The smoke isn’t that bad,’ she said. ‘You can smell it, but no worse really than when there’s something in the oven that’s caught. I’m not frightened, just working out what I should do. I think that actually Annette won’t be worried at all, she’ll be loving this! Finally she has her drama.’

I saw Jenny struggling as she reached the final doors in the memory corridor.

I thought of Sarah’s ‘retrograde amnesia’ – fire doors, I imagined, thick and heavy, protecting her from what lay beyond them.

I think it’s knowing she is so loved by Ivo – and also by me and you and Adam and Sarah – which gave her the strength to push at those doors to make them open; to re-enter the horror of that afternoon.

‘And then I see Maisie,’ she said.

Her body had gone rigid.

Mum is back in our spare room now, and I’m sitting on Adam’s bed, holding his small soft hand as he sleeps. Jenny’s memory has been playing in my mind like a film, which I can’t switch off; looping over and over again. I’m hoping that telling you what I see will make it finally stop.

The fire siren screeches into the summer’s afternoon. Jenny puts down her bottles of water and goes back into the school, using the kitchen entrance. She smells smoke, but isn’t frightened. She’s thinking about Annette, that she’ll be loving this.

She goes up the stairs towards the upper ground floor. Then she sees Maisie, in her long-sleeved FUN shirt.

Maisie is crying.

‘I saw Adam coming out of the Art room,’ she says. ‘Oh God, what have you done, Ro?’

Rowena, in her sensible linen trousers, is facing her, blazing with anger.

‘You saw Adam, and you blame me ?’

‘No, of course not. I’m sorry I-’

Rowena slaps Maisie’s face, brutally hard. I hear the sound of her palm slamming against Maisie’s wet cheek and in that sound the fictions disintegrate.

‘Shut up, hog.’

‘You sent me a text,’ Maisie says. ‘I thought you’d-’

‘Forgiven you?’

‘I just wanted what was best-’

‘You take away my lover and then you bankrupt us. Stunning, Mummy. Fucking stunning.’

Maisie rallies for a moment. ‘He was too old for you. He was exploiting you and-’

‘He’s a pathetic piece of shit. Spineless. And you are an interfering bitch.’

Shouting at her, whipping her with words.

‘I should go and help,’ Maisie says. Then she turns to Rowena, finding courage.

‘Did you make Addie do it, Ro?’

‘You decide, Mummy.’

She wipes the tears off Maisie’s face; the red mark visible from where she slapped her.

‘You need to wash your face,’ she says. Then she pulls down Maisie’s trouser zip. ‘And dress properly, for fuck’s sake.’

Maisie leaves to help with the reception children. She hasn’t seen Jenny.

But Rowena sees her.

She sees Jenny and knows she’s heard everything.

Jenny remembered that at that moment the fire didn’t seem important. She knew there was virtually no one in the school and everyone could easily get out. All she could think about was Rowena hitting her mother, hurting her.

‘Adam’s gone to look for you,’ Rowena said to her. ‘Up in the medical room.’

And everything changed.

The school was on fire and Adam was at the top of the school.

Jen ran to find him.

And Addie? Where was he, really? I need to rewind a little now so he can feature in this ghastly film too.

I watch him leave sports day with Rowena, who’s suggested she takes him to get his cake. So carefully planned.

She’s wearing sensible clothes, in contrast to Jenny, and I think she looks so grown-up now.

They reach the edge of the playing field. By the chest-height jewel-coloured azalea bushes I think they pause a minute, while Rowena tells him about the birthday present Mr Hyman has left for him. And Addie is really pleased that Mr Hyman has got him a present.

Because I think that still figure I saw on the edge of the playing field was Rowena, with Adam next to her; but he was too small to be seen above the azalea bushes.

They walk on towards the school.

Rowena goes with Addie up to his classroom to get his cake. She takes the matches out of Miss Madden’s cupboard. She tells him that Mr Hyman’s present is in the Art room. It’s a different kind of volcano. He has to light it. He can use his birthday-cake matches.

But Adam doesn’t want to, surprising Rowena, because she underestimated him; thought him wet. So she tells him Mr Hyman brought the volcano present to the school himself , even though he’ll get into terrible trouble if he’s found there. She tells him Mr Hyman will be coming up to the Art room soon and will be so disappointed if Addie isn’t playing with his present. So Addie reluctantly agrees.

Rowena leaves and goes down the stairs to the office.

Addie goes to the Art room. He trusts Mr Hyman, loves him even. But he’s afraid of matches and he’s never lit one before, isn’t sure how to do it.

Rowena has time to listen to Annette’s inane chatter, hardening her alibi.

Adam gets a match to light. He stands well back and throws it at the volcano because he’s afraid of fire, even a sparkler.

And the bucket, full of accelerant, pauses a second, as the flame catches, and then it explodes, flames leaping out. Addie is terrified and runs.

I know, darling, I want to have been with him then too. Made it alright for him too.