Mons Kallentoft: Midwinter Sacrifice aka Midwinter Blood

Tove can sleep. Let her tall, gangly body rest.

Her first class doesn’t start until nine. Malin can see it all in her mind’s eye. How her daughter forces herself to get up at half past eight, stumbles to the bathroom, showers, gets dressed. She never wears make-up. And then Malin sees Tove skip breakfast, despite all her cajoling. Maybe I should try a new tactic, Malin thinks: Breakfast is bad for you, Tove. Whatever you do, don’t eat breakfast.

Malin drinks the last of the coffee.

The only time Tove ever gets up early is when she wants to finish one of the mass of books she devours almost obsessively; she has unusually advanced taste for her age. Jane Austen. How many Swedish thirteen-year-olds apart from Tove would read something like that? But, on the other hand… She’s not quite like other thirteen-year-olds, never has to try hard to be top of the class. Maybe it would be good if she did have to make more effort, encounter a bit of real resistance?

Time has run on, and Malin wants to get to work, doesn’t want to miss the half hour between quarter to seven and quarter past when she is almost certain to be on her own in Police Headquarters and can plan the day ahead undisturbed.

In the bathroom she takes off the dressing gown. Tosses it on to the yellow synthetic floor.

The glass in the mirror on the wall is a little bowed, and even though it makes her height of 1.70 metres appear slightly squashed she still looks slim; athletic and powerful and ready to meet whatever crap comes her way. She’s met it before, crap, she’s dealt with it, learned from it and moved on.

Not bad for a thirty-three-year-old, Malin thinks, her self-confidence doing its job: There’snothing I can’t deal with , and then the doubt, the old fixed belief: I haven’t amounted to much, and won’t now, and it’s my fault, all my own fault .

Her body. She concentrates on that.

Pats her stomach, takes in a deep breath so that her small breasts stick out, but just as she sees the nipples pointing forward she stops herself.

Instead she quickly bends down and picks up the dressing gown. She dries her blonde pageboy with the dryer, letting her hair fall over her prominent but soft cheekbones, forming a pelmet above her straight eyebrows, because she knows that emphasises her cornflower-blue eyes. Malin pouts her lips, wishes they were bigger, but maybe that would look odd beneath her short, slightly snub nose?

In the bedroom she pulls on a pair of jeans, a white blouse and a loose-knit black polo-neck sweater.

Glancing at the hall mirror, she adjusts her hair, reassuring herself that the wrinkles around her eyes aren’t too visible. She puts on her Caterpillar boots.

Because who knows what lies ahead?

Maybe she’ll have to head out into the countryside. The thick, synthetic down jacket she bought from a branch of Stadium in Tornby shopping centre for eight hundred and seventy-five kronor makes her feel like a rheumatic spaceman, her movements sluggish and clumsy.

Have I got everything?

Mobile, purse in her pocket. Pistol. Her constant companion. The gun was hanging on the back of the chair next to the unmade bed.

By the mattress with space for two, plus enough room for a decent gap, a gap for sleep and loneliness during the very darkest hours of night. But how can you find someone you can put up with if you can’t even put up with yourself?

She has a picture of Janne beside the bed. She usually tells herself that it’s there to make Tove happy.

In the photograph Janne is suntanned and his mouth is smiling, but not his grey-green eyes. The sky behind him is clear, and beside him a palm tree is swaying gently in the wind, while in the background you can make out a jungle. Janne is wearing a light blue UN helmet and a camouflage cotton jacket bearing the logo of the Swedish Rescue Services; he looks like he wants to turn round, to make sure that nothing’s about to jump out at him from the dense vegetation.

Rwanda.

Kigali.

He’s told her about dogs eating people who weren’t even dead yet.

Janne went, goes, has always gone as a volunteer. At least that’s the official version.

To a jungle so dense that you can’t hear the sound of the heart of darkness beating, to mined and blood-drenched mountain roads in the Balkans, trucks with sacks of flour rumbling past mass-graves, poorly concealed by sand and scrub.

And it was voluntary from the start, for us.

The short version: a seventeen-year-old and a twenty-year-old meet in a bog-standard disco in a bog-standard small town. Two people with no plans, similar but different, but with some shared essence, ideas that work for both of them. Then, after two years, the event to be avoided at all costs happens. A thin membrane of rubber breaks and a child starts to grow.

‘We have to get rid of it.’

‘No, this is what I’ve always wanted.’

Their words slip past each other. Time runs out and their daughter arrives, the sunbeam to end all sunbeams, and they play happy families. A few years pass and a silence falls. Things turn out differently from the way they were planned, if they were planned at all, and each of those involved moves off in his or her own direction, without rhyme or reason.

No explosions, just a damp squib leaving a long trail into history, and even further into the soul.

The serfdom of love, Malin thinks.

Bittersweet. As she thought back then, after they’d separated, when the removal van was heading for Stockholm and the Police Academy, when Janne moved to Bosnia: If I become really good at getting rid of evil, then goodness will come to me.

Surely it could be as simple as that?

Then love might be possible again. Mightn’t it?

On her way out of the flat Malin feels the pistol pressing against her ribcage. She carefully opens the door to Tove’s bedroom. She can make out the walls in the darkness, the rows of books on the shelves, can sense Tove’s oddly proportioned teenage body under the turquoise duvet. Tove sleeps almost soundlessly, has done ever since she was two. Before that her sleep was disturbed, she used to wake several times a night, but then it was as if she realised that silence and calm were necessary, at least at night, as if the two-year-old instinctively knew that a person needs to keep the night free for dreams.

Malin leaves the flat.

Goes down the three flights of stairs to the door of the building. With every step she feels the cold come closer. It’s practically below zero in the stairwell.

Please let the car start. It’s almost cold enough to freeze the petrol to ice.

She pauses at the door. The chill mist is drifting in waves through the streetlamps’ cones of light. She wants to run back upstairs, go into the apartment, tear off her clothes and creep back into bed. Then it comes again, her longing for Police Headquarters. So: pull the door open, run to the car, fumble with the key, open the door, throw yourself in, start the engine and drive off.

The cold takes a stranglehold when she walks out; she imagines she can hear the hairs in her nose crackle with every breath, and feels her tear-ducts grow treacly, but she can still read the inscription above one of the side doors of St Lars: ‘Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God’.

Where’s the car? The silver Volvo, a 2004 model, is in its place, opposite the St Lars Gallery.

Padded, bulky arms.

With difficulty Malin gets her hand into the pocket where she thinks the car keys are. No keys. The next pocket, then the next. Damn. She must have left them upstairs. Then she remembers: they’re in the front pocket of her jeans.

Her stiff fingers ache as she thrusts them into the pocket. But the keys are there.

Open now, bloody door. The ice has somehow spared the keyhole and soon Malin is sitting in the driver’s seat swearing: about the cold, about an engine that merely splutters and refuses to start.