Lawrence Block - A Stab in the Dark

Before I left he gave me a check for a thousand dollars. A bonus, he said, and he assured me he wanted me to have it. I gave him no argument. When money comes with no strings on it, take it and put it in your pocket. I was still enough of a cop at heart to remember that much.

I tried Jan around lunchtime and there was no answer. I tried her again later in the afternoon and the line was busy three times running. It was around six when I finally reached her.

"You're hard to get hold of," I said.

"I was out some. And then I was on the phone."

"I was out some myself." I told her a lot of what had happened since I'd left her loft the previous afternoon, armed with the knowledge that Havermeyer's boy Danny had attended the Happy Hours Child Care Center. I told her why Barbara Ettinger had been killed, and I told her that Havermeyer's wife was blind.

"Jesus," she said.

We talked a little more, and I asked her what she was doing about dinner. "My client gave me a thousand dollars that I didn't do a thing to earn," I said, "and I feel a need to spend some of it frivolously before I piss the rest of it away on necessities."

"I'm afraid tonight's out," she said. "I was just making myself a salad."

"Well, do you want to hit a couple of high spots after you finish your salad? Any place but Blanche's Tavern is fine with me."

There was a pause. Then she said, "The thing is, Matthew, I have something on tonight."

"Oh."

"And it's not another date. I'm going to a meeting."

"A meeting?"

"An A.A. meeting."

"I see."

"I'm an alcoholic, Matthew. I've got to face the fact and I've got to deal with it."

"I didn't have the impression that you drank that much."

"It's not how much you drink. It's what it does to you. I have blackouts. I have personality changes. I tell myself I'm not going to drink and I do. I tell myself I'm going to have one drink and the next morning the bottle's empty. I'm an alcoholic."

"You were in A.A. before."

"That's right."

"I thought it didn't work for you."

"Oh, it was working fine. Until I drank. This time I want to give it a chance."

I thought for a minute. "Well, I think that's great," I said.

"You do?"

"Yes, I do," I said, and meant it. "I think it's terrific. I know it works for a lot of people and there's no reason why you can't make it work. You're going to a meeting tonight?"

"That's right. I was at one this afternoon."

"I thought they only had them at night."

"They have them all the time, and all over the city."

"How often do you have to go?"

"You don't have to do anything. They recommend ninety meetings in the first ninety days, but you can go to more. I have plenty of time. I can go to a lot of them."

"That's great."

"After the meeting this afternoon I was on the phone with somebody I knew when I was in the program last time. And I'm going to a meeting tonight, and that'll get me through today, and I'll have one day of sobriety."

"Uh-huh."

"That's how it's done, you see. You take it one day at a time."

"That's great." I wiped my forehead. It gets warm in a phone booth with the door closed. "When do those meetings end? Ten or ten thirty, something like that?"

"Ten o'clock."

"Well, suppose—"

"But people generally go out for coffee afterward."

"Uh-huh. Well, suppose I came by around eleven? Or later, if you figure you'll want to spend more than an hour over coffee."

"I don't think that's a very good idea, Matthew."

"Oh."

"I want to give this a fair shot. I don't want to start sabotaging myself before I even get started."

I said, "Jan? I wasn't planning to come over and drink with you."

"I know that."

"Or in front of you, as far as that goes. I won't drink when I'm with you. That's no problem."

"Because you can stop anytime you want to."

"I can certainly not drink when we're together."

Another pause, and when she spoke I could hear the strain in her voice. "God," she said. "Matthew, darling, it's not quite that simple."

"Oh?"

"One of the things they tell us is that we're powerless over people, places and things."

"I don't know what that means."

"It means to avoid those elements that can increase our desire to drink."

"And I'm one of those elements?"

"I'm afraid so."

I cracked the phone booth door, let a little air in. I said, "Well, what does that mean, exactly? That we never see each other again?"

"Oh, God."

"Just tell me the rules so I'll understand."

"Jesus, God. I can't think in terms of never again. I can't even think in terms of never having a drink again. I'm supposed to take it a day at a time, so let's do this in terms of today."

"You don't want to see me today."

"Of course I want to see you today! Oh, Jesus. Look, if you want to come over around eleven—"

"No," I said.

"What?"

"I said no. You were right the first time and I shouldn't be doing a number on you. I'm like my client, that's all. I've just got to adjust to a new reality. I think you're doing the right thing."

"Do you really?"

"Yes. And if I'm somebody you ought to stay away from, I think that's what you'd better do for the time being. And if we're supposed to get together later on, well, it'll happen."

A pause. Then, "Thank you, Matthew."

For what? I got out of the booth and went back upstairs to my room. I put on a clean shirt and tie and treated myself to a good steak dinner at the Slate. It's a hangout for cops from John Jay College and Midtown South, but I was lucky enough not to see anyone that I knew. I had a big meal all by myself, with a martini in front and a brandy afterward.

I walked back to Ninth Avenue and passed St. Paul's. The church itself was closed now. I descended a narrow flight of steps to the basement. Not the big room in front where they have Bingo a couple nights a week, but a smaller room on the side where they have the meetings.

When you live in a neighborhood you know where different things are. Whether you have any interest in them or not.

I stood in front of the door for a minute or two. I felt a little light-headed, a little congested in the chest. I decided that was probably from the brandy. It's a powerful stimulant. I'm not used to it, don't drink it often.

I opened the door and looked in. A couple dozen people sitting in folding chairs. A table holding a big coffee urn and a few stacks of Styrofoam cups. Some slogans taped to the wall — EASY DOES IT, KEEP IT SIMPLE. The fucking wisdom of the ages.

She was probably in a room like this downtown. Some church basement in SoHo, say.

Best of luck, lady.

I stepped back, let the door shut, walked up the stairs. I had visions of the door opening behind me, people chasing after me and dragging me back. Nothing like that happened.

The tight feeling was still there in my chest.

The brandy, I told myself. Probably be a good idea to stay away from it. Stick to what you're used to.

Stick to bourbon.

I went on over to Armstrong's. A little bourbon would take the edge off the brandy rush. A little bourbon would take the edge off almost anything.