Rex Stout - The League of Frightened Men

Farrell let out a big handsome guffaw, and Pratt seconded him. Drummond the florist was giggling. Bowen the stockbroker, either bored or looking successfully like it, took out a cigar and cut off the end and lit it. I was over finding the right bottle for Mike Ayers, for I knew he’d have to wash the taste out of his mouth. Lee Mitchell of Boston got to his feet:

“If I may remark, gentlemen.” He coughed. “Of course I am not one of you, but I am authorized to say that both Mr. Collard and Mr. Gaines are in fact apprehensive, they have satisfied themselves of the standing of Mr. Wolfe, and they are ready to entertain his suggestions.”

“Good.” Wolfe’s tone cut short the buzz of comment. He turned his eyes to me. “Archie. If you will just pass out those slips.”

I had them in the top drawer of my desk, twenty copies just in case, and I took them and handed them around. Wolfe had rung for beer and was filling his glass. After he had half emptied it he said:

“That, as you see, is merely a list of your names with a sum of money noted after each. I can explain it most easily by reading to you a memorandum which I have here... or have I? Archie?”

“Here it is, sir.”

“Thank you.—I have dictated it thus; it may be put into formal legal phrasing or not, as you prefer. I would be content to have it an initialed memorandum. For the sake of brevity I have referred to you, those whose names are on the list you have — those absent as well as those present — as the league. The memorandum provides:

1. I undertake to remove from the league all apprehension and expectation of injury from

       (a) Paul Chapin .

       (b) The person or persons who sent the metrical typewritten warnings .

       (c) The person or persons responsible for the deaths of Wm. R. Harrison and Eugene Dreyer, and for the disappearance of Andrew Hibbard .

2. Decision as to the satisfactory performance of the undertaking shall be made by a majority vote of the members of the league .

3. The expenses of the undertaking shall be borne by me, and in the event of my failure to perform it satisfactorily the league shall be under no obligation to pay them, nor any other obligation .

4. Upon decision that the undertaking has been satisfactorily performed, the members of the league will pay me, each the amount set after his name on the attached list; provided, that the members mil be severally and jointly responsible for the payment of the total amount.

“I believe that covers it. Of course, should you wish to make it terminable after a stated period—”

Nicholas Cabot cut in, “It’s preposterous. I won’t even discuss it.” Julius Adler said with a smile, “I think we should thank Mr. Wolfe’s secretary for adding it up and saving us the shock. Fifty-six thousand, nine hundred and fifteen dollars. Well!” His brows went up and stayed up. Kommers, who had spent at least ten bucks coming from Philadelphia, made his maiden speech, “I don’t know much about your abilities, Mr. Wolfe, but I’ve learned something new about nerve.” Others began to join in the chorus; they were just going to crowd us right in the ditch.

Wolfe waited, and in about a minute put up his hand, palm out, which was a pretty violent gesture for him. “Please, gentlemen. There is really no ground for controversy. It is a simple matter: I offer to sell you something for a stated price on delivery. If you think the price exorbitant you are under no compulsion to buy. However, I may observe in that connection that on Saturday Miss Evelyn Hibbard offered to pay me ten thousand dollars for the service proposed. There is no single item on that list as high as ten thousand dollars; and Miss Hibbard is not herself in jeopardy.”

George Pratt said, “Yeah, and you turned her down so you could soak us. You’re just out to do all the good you can, huh?”

“Anyhow, the memorandum is preposterous throughout.” Nicholas Cabot had gone to Wolfe’s desk and reached for the memorandum, and was standing there looking at it. “What we want is Paul Chapin put where he belongs. This attempt at evasion—”

“I’m surprised at you, Mr. Cabot.” Wolfe sighed. “I phrased it that way chiefly because I knew two shrewd lawyers would be here and I wished to forestall their objections. Circumstances have got the idea of Paul Chapin’s guilt so firmly fixed in your mind that you are a little off balance. I could not undertake specifically to remove your apprehension by getting Mr. Chapin convicted of murder, because if I did so and investigation proved him innocent two difficulties would present themselves. First, I would have to frame him in order to collect my money, which would be not only unfair to him but also a great bother to me, and second, the real perpetrator of these indiscretions would remain free to continue his career, and you gentlemen would still be scared — or dead. I wished to cover—”

“Rubbish.” Cabot pushed the memorandum impatiently away. “We are convinced it is Chapin. We know it is.”

“So am I.” Wolfe nodded, down, and up, and at rest again. “Yes, I am convinced that it is Chapin you should fear. But in preparing this memorandum I thought it well to cover all contingencies, and you as a lawyer must agree with me. After all, what is really known? Very little. For instance, what if Andrew Hibbard, tormented by remorse, was driven to undertake vengeance on behalf of the man you all had injured? Ye should have killed me. What if, after killing two of you, he found he couldn’t stomach it, and went off somewhere and ended his own life? That would contradict nothing we now know. Or what if another of you, or even an outsider, proceeded to balance some personal accounts, and took advantage of the exudations of the Chapin stew to lay a false scent? That might be you, Mr. Cabot, or Dr. Burton, or Mr. Michael Ayers... anyone. You say rubbish, and really I do too, but why not cover the contingencies?”

Cabot pulled the memorandum back beneath his eyes. Julius Adler got up and went to the desk and joined in the inspection. There was some murmuring among the others. Mike Ayers was sprawled in his chair with his hands deep in his pockets and his eyes shut tight. Julius Adler said:

“This last provision is out of the question. This joint responsibility for the total amount. We wouldn’t consider it.”

Wolfe’s cheeks unfolded a little. “I agree with you, Mr. Adler. I shall not insist upon it. As a matter of fact, I inserted it purposely, so there would be something for you to take out.”

Adler grunted. Drummond the florist, who had gone to join them, as had Pratt and Arthur Kommers, giggled again. Cabot looked at Wolfe with a frown and said, “You aren’t at all nimble, are you?”

“Moderately. I’m really not much good at negotiation, I am too blunt. It is a shortcoming of temperament not to be overcome. For instance, my proposal to you. I can only present it and say, take it or leave it. I compensate for the handicap by making the proposal so attractive that it cannot very well be refused.”

I was surprised, all of a sudden, to see the shadow of a smile on Cabot’s face, and for a second I damn near liked him. He said, “Of course. I sympathize with your disability.”

“Thank you.” Wolfe moved his eyes to take in the others. “Well, gentlemen? I will mention two little points. First, I did not include in the memorandum a stipulation that you should co-operate with me, but I shall of course expect it. I can do little without your help. I would like to feel free to have Mr. Goodwin and another of my men call upon you at any reasonable time, and I would like to talk with a few of you myself. I may?”