Ryan Mecum - Werewolf HAIKU

some might find a bit vulgar,

but it is fitting.

One cycle a month,

my hormones get out of whack

and blood is involved.

I get real moody

when it’s that time of the month.

I cry more at songs.

I’m the only guy

who has monthly circled dates

on his calendar.

My new life is odd

but it is so much more fun,

dear haiku journal.

Dear haiku journal,

You’re not going to believe

what the new me did!

I could never do

what I did this afternoon

before that dog bite.

Should I be nervous

if the werewolf part of me

gives me confidence?

On Rose’s front porch,

I stood and knocked on her door.

Then Iasked her out.

She said, “Yes!” to me,

and we were both caught off guard

when I said, “That’s right.”

Maybe it’s just me,

but when did Rose’s pants leg

become seductive?

We went out for steak.

I ordered a rare sirloin.

She got a salad.

As fate would have it,

she’s a vegetarian.

I’m the opposite.

Before I was bit,

I had never kissed a girl -

but that changed tonight.

Right around the time

she said she loved animals,

I grabbed her and kissed.

It could have gone worse,

though most kissing fantasies

have less fighting back.

My tongue in her mouth

probably reminded her

of a piece of meat.

She got a taxi

and I drove home by myself,

proud that I made out.

My beautiful Rose:

Know that wherever you run,

I’ll be chasing you.

Who I wish I was,

the wolf helps me to become,

dear haiku journal.

Dear haiku journal,

A whole bottle of mouthwash

can’t kill my cat breath.

Is it raspberry

or blood stains under my nails?

I’ll guess raspberry.

Rabies prevention -

once atopic I would mock,

now one I Google.

If you think tacos

are hard for you to digest,

try passing chipmunks.

I wake up at night

with an awkward new desire

to go pee outside.

In conversation,

burping up a severed toe

can make things awkward.

When the moon is full

in the middle of the day -

those days suck for me.

Werewolves leave claw marks

on trees, cars, et cetera,

because it feels good.

Like a hand massage,

clawing makes small vibrations

that help calm me down.

I can’t remember

if wanting to lick people

is something that’s new.

Delivering mail

seems like it would go faster

running on all fours.

My job is harder

since now when I see rabbits,

I have to chase them.

Eating fat people

is like digesting fast food.

Good now; hurts later.

People in good shape

are like eating fruit smoothies -

with chunks of raw meat.

If you often say,

“His bark is worse than his bite,”

we have yet to meet.

Think my waist will tear

these XXXL sweatpants,

dear haiku journal?

Dear haiku journal,

I have had a x#23! rough morning,

so pardon these swears smears.

You ever wake up

and find one eye is missing?

That was my morning.

I learned the hard way,

if you’re injured as a wolf,

those injuries stay.

Feeling immortal,

I let some girl throw a punch,

and now I’m one-eyed.

My right left eye’s last view

was her car keys in her hand

as she punched my face.

I would have stopped her,

had I known that werewolf eyes

would never grow back.

I think I won though.

She may have taken my eye,

but I took her hip.

While I can still see,

she is no longer walking -

or living, really.

She went down fighting.

In fact, currently, her hip

is causing heartburn.

My missing eyeball

will be a bit hard to hide

while bringing the mail.

I’m staring for hours,

with a flashlight and mirror,

into my socket.

Though not hygienic,

touching inside my eye hole

is hard to pass up.

It’s hard to erase

the urge to fill the socket

with a play-doh ball.

When I close my eye,

is that considered blinking,

or is it winking?

My newest pet peeve

is when my useless eyelid

sticks inside the hole.

Temporary fix:

With a napkin and duct tape,

I cover the hole.

Glass eyeballs online

take six weeks to deliver

and cost a month’s pay.

Only costume shops

with large pirate selections

sell eyeball patches.

I bought an eye patch

but had to cover over

the anchor image.

When people question,

I blame LASIK surgery:

“Never use coupons.”

My depth perception

makes you seem further away,

dear haiku journal.

Dear haiku journal:

Werewolf movies often lie.

Torn jeans don’t stay on.

Despite the movies,

I do not have the desire

to surf on van roofs.

Of all werewolf films,

Teen Wolf’s popularity

confuses me most.

After I transform,

the last thing I want to do

is play basketball.

Dear Michael J. Fox,

Hop in your time machine car,

and don’t make Teen Wolf.

When I get hungry,

my mind daydreams about meat

and girls in red hoods.

Children’s fairy tales

give harmful werewolf advice.

We don’t want baskets.

If you don’t notice

a werewolf dressed as grandma,

then come here, grandkid.

What big teeth I have.

All the better to tear through