George Carlin - Napalm and Silly Putty

You Light Up My life

Speakin’ of behind you, don’t you just love it when there’s one of those guys on your tail whose brights are on? Isn’t that a treat? Some shit-stain who just had his headlights aimed and wants you to see what a wonderful job his mechanic did? You know how you handle a guy like that? Slam on your brakes and let him plow right into you. It might cost you a little money, but it sure puts them fuckin’ lights out in a hurry. Let him find his way home in the dark.

Volume Control

Does this ever happen to you? You’re driving through heavy downtown traffic, block to block, street to street. Busy area. People hurryin’ home at five o’clock. Maybe it’s winter, and it’s already dark, raining a little bit. You got the window open, and you can hear the rain and the traffic noise. People honkin’ at each other. Got the radio on. Got the windshield wipers going. Everything’s happening at once: radio, rain, wipers, horns, traffic—lots of noise. And you’re just trying to get across town to run an errand. And then, after all kinds of hassles, you get over there and park the car, turn off the key, go inside, and take care of business. And then when you come back out to the car and turn on the key, THE GODDAMN RADIO IS THIS LOUD!!!

And you sit there, stunned, thinking to yourself, “Could I… possibly… have been… listening to that?”

What’s My Lane?

Here’s one of those things you have to do every time you drive, especially if you’re in a hurry. It happens as you approach a red light, and find several lanes of cars ahead of you. As you roll up to the pack, you have to decide which lane to get into. You have to guess which car looks like a good bet to take off quickly, so you can move out fast when the light turns green. With half a block to go you have to decide who’s the really fast asshole in this group up ahead.

Forget the Volvo, she’s listening to public radio, and drives the way she lives—with fear and caution. You’ll also want to avoid that Toyota with the fish symbol; Christians drive as though Jesus himself was a traffic cop. And, by all means, ignore the Lexus with the heavily made-up, bejeweled pig-woman. She has the reflexes of an aging panda.

Ahhhhh! Here’s the correct machine to get behind: a Camaro with. four different shades of primer paint and a bumper sticker that says I DATE MY SISTER. This guy’s a real risk-taker; full of crank, and on his way to an AC/DC concert. You’ll be home before you know it.

Goin’ Home

Now, one last reminder before I tow this trusty little shit-box of mine into the shop for its bimonthly overhaul. And this should go without saying. That’s why I’m going to say it: Drinking and driving don’t mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

What wine goes with Cap’n Crunch? I have trouble selecting a wine in the morning. Sometimes I give up,smoke a bong full of Froot Loops, and just go back to bed. Try that sometime. Smoke a bong full of Froot Loops, go back to bed, and watch the midmorning movie. Call your boss and tell him you smoked some Froot Loops, you’re watching a movie, and you’ll be in around 2:30. That is, if you feel like it.

That’s the way you handle a boss. You can’t take shit from someone just because you work for him. Let him know who the real boss is. Tell him it’s your job, and you’ll do it your way. That’s what bosses like—people with spunk. Act the same way when you go in for a job interview. Let ’em know what kind of person you are. Have a beer opener and some swizzle sticks sticking out of your breast pocket. Put a little confetti in your hair. Tell them your primary career is partying and work is kind of a sideline.

Tell the interviewer you’ll need an office near the front door so you can leave in a hurry at five o’clock.

“I ain’t stickin’ around this fuckin’ place after hours, I’ll tell you that right now.”

Let him know what’s happening. Tell him you hope it’s not one of those chicken-shit places where they dock your pay just for taking off Mondays and Fridays.

Then, if you still don’t have the job, point to the picture on his desk and say, “Who’s the cunt?” That’ll clinch it. You’ll probably have a nice long career with that firm. Once all your medical procedures have been completed.

In the expression topsy-turvy , what exactly is meant by turvy?

I’d like to pass along a piece of wisdom my first-grade teacher shared with us kids. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit, and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.” I’ll always remember that.

I’m curious, what precisely is Zsa Zsa Gabor’s job title?

If free trade can really turn all these Third World countries into thriving economies full of entrepreneurs and investors, who’s gonna clean the fuckin’ toilets around here?

You know what’s fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.

I’m happy to say that during the 2000 Olympics I missed every single event without exception, managing even to avoid all the clips shown on newscasts. And although I sometimes watch NBC and MSNBC for other reasons, this time, whenever I ventured into those two locations it was with the remote control firmly in hand, ready to change channels instantly, in the event that depressing Olympic theme music or those repulsive five rings suddenly showed up.

If it requires a uniform it’s a worthless endeavor.

True StuffThere is actually a TV commercial in Las Vegas that advertises a service called “Discount Bankruptcy.”

There is now a Starbucks in my pants.

As long as you’ve decided to drink all day there’s nothing wrong with starting early in the morning.

Odd FactWhen two women with different colored hair walk together on a sidewalk, the one with the darker hair will always be positioned closest to the curb.

I hope we’re not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

I like the fact that rap musicians are murdering each other. I don’t have a problem with rap music, it’s just that I like the idea of celebrities killing each other. Wouldn’t it be great if Dan Rather snuck up on Tom Brokaw during the news and stabbed him in the head? Or imagine Julie Andrews putting rat poison in Liza Minnelli’s triple vodka when she gets up to take a shit at Sardi’s. Here’s a great one: Richard Simmons and Louie Anderson grab Rosie O’Donnell and choke her to death. It’s just fun to think about, isn’t it?

Tennis tipYou get a better return of serve if you let the ball bounce twice before hitting it.

People on a diet should have a salad dressing called “250 Islands.”

Can anyone explain to me the need for one-hour photo finishing? You just saw the fuckin’ thing! How can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept like “a little while ago”?

I tried to give up heroin, but my efforts were all in vein.

When I was a boy, on Good Friday in my parish, in order to dramatize the extent of Jesus’ suffering, a group of the priests used to get together and crucify one of the children.

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it’s hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

What is all this shit about Dick Clark not looking his age? Take a closer look.