George Carlin - Napalm and Silly Putty

Why don’t they have a light bulb that only shines on things worth looking at?

Even though men are complete assholes, you know what makes me sad about feminism? Somewhere along the way we lost “Hey, toots!”

• Scientists in Switzerland announced today they have been able to make mice fart by holding them upside-down and tapping them on the stomach with a ballpoint pen.

• A pair of Siamese twins in Australia, surgically separated six months ago, has been sewn back together. Apparently, each of them could remember only half the combination to their locker.

• Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

• The Nobel Prize in mathematics was awarded yesterday to a California professor who has discovered a new number. The number is “bleen,” which he says belongs between six and seven.

• The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

• A Swedish entomologist claims that common houseflies are highly intelligent and can be trained to fix umbrellas and dance in a circle.

• Botanists in England have developed a plant that may help solve the world’s hunger problems. Although it has no food value of its own, when the plant reaches maturity it sneaks across the yard and steals food from the neighbors.

• An x-ray technician at New York Hospital has died from a rare disease known as cancer-of-the-part-in-the-hair. In a desperate attempt to treat himself, twenty-eight-year-old Norris Flengkt shaved his head completely bald. Unfortunately, the cancer thought it was simply a wider part and proceeded to devour his entire skull.

• Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.

• Astronomers announced that next month the sun, the moon, and all nine planets will be aligned perfectly with the earth. They say, however, the only noticeable effect will be that the Nome to Rio bus will run four days late.

• Thanks to the sharp eyes of a Minnesota man, it is possible that two identical snowflakes may finally have been observed. While out snowmobiling, Oley Skotchgaard noticed a snowflake that looked familiar to him. Searching his memory, he realized it was identical to a snowflake he had seen as a child in Vermont. Weather experts, while excited, caution that the match-up will be difficult to verify.

• Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a two-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

• According to astronomers, next week Wednesday will occur twice. They say such a thing happens only once every 60,000 years and although they don’t know why it occurs, they’re glad they have an extra day to figure it out.

• A team of microbiologists announced today they have discovered something they cannot identify. According to them it is long and thin and smells like a tractor seat.

To my way of thinking, there are really only three sports: baseball, basketball, and football. Everything else is either a game or an activity.

Hockeycomes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. It’s not. Hockey is three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody.

If these guys had more brains than teeth, they’d do these things one at a time. First you go ice skating, then you fool around with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat the shit out of somebody. The day would last longer, and these guys would have a whole lot more fun.

Another reason hockey is not a sport is that it’s not played with a ball. Anything not played with a ball can’t be a sport. These are my rules, I make ’em up.

Soccer.Soccer is not a sport because you can’t use your arms. Anything where you can’t use your arms can’t be a sport. Tap dancing isn’t a sport. I rest my case.

Running.People think running is a sport. Running isn’t a sport because anybody can do it. Anything we can all do can’t be a sport. I can run, you can run. For Chrissakes, my mother can run! You don’t see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?

Swimming.Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense.

Sailingisn’t a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding the bus isn’t a sport, why the fuck should sailing be a sport?

Boxingis not a sport either. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated form of hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can be a sport.

Bowling.Bowling isn’t a sport because you have to rent the shoes. Don’t forget, these are my rules. I make ’em up.

Billiards.Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can’t be, because there’s no chance for serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in a tough neighborhood. Then, if you wind up with a pool cue stickin’ out of your ass, you know you might just be the victim of a sports-related injury. But that ain’t billiards, that’s pool, and that starts with a P, and that rhymes with D, and that brings me to darts.

Dartscould have been a sport, because at least there’s a chance to put someone’s eye out. But, alas, darts will never be a sport, because the whole object of the game is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.

Lacrosseis not a sport; lacrosse is a faggoty college activity. I don’t care how rough it is, anytime you’re running around a field, waving a stick with a little net on the end of it, you’re engaged in a faggoty college activity. Period.

Field hockey and fencing.Same thing. Faggoty college shit. Also, these activities aren’t sports, because you can’t gamble on them. Anything you can’t gamble on can’t be a sport. When was the last time you made a fuckin’ fencing bet?

Gymnasticsis not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long time to come up with that rule, but goddammit, I did it.

Poloisn’t a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. Without the holes. It’s a great concept, but it’s not a sport. And as far as water polo is concerned, I hesitate to even mention it, because it’s extremely cruel to the horses.

Which brings me to hunting.You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The only good thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends. And, of course, the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such accidents.

Then you have tennis.Tennis is very trendy and very fruity, but it’s not a sport. It’s just a way to meet other trendy fruits. Technically, tennis is an advanced form of Ping-Pong. In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing on the table. Great concept, not a sport.

In fact, all racket games are nothing more than derivatives of Ping-Pong. Even volleyballis, technically, racketless, team Ping-Pong played with an inflated ball and a raised net while standing on the table.

And finally we come to golf.For my full take on golf, I refer you elsewhere in the book, but let it just be said golf is a game that might possibly be fun, if it could be played alone. But it’s the vacuous, striving, superficial, male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it such a repulsive pastime. And it is decidedly not a sport. Period.