George Carlin - Napalm and Silly Putty

I: It wasn’t?

J:No, it turns out a lot of people were putting them back. They were several days old. And besides, not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway.

I: What do you mean? If they weren’t miracles, what were they?

J:Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis. Sometimes people were hallucinatin’. I even used acupressure. That’s how I cured most of the blind people, acupressure.

I: So not all of the New Testament is true.

J:Naaah. Some of the gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lot of drugs. Luke was a physician, and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.

I: What about raising Lazarus from the dead?

J:First of all, he wasn’t dead, he was hungover. I’ve told people that.

I: But in the Bible you said he was dead.

J:No! I said he looked dead. I said, “Jeez, Peter, this guy looks dead!” You see, Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper, plus the day before we had been to a wedding feast, and he had put away a lot of wine.

I: Ahhh! Was that the wedding feast at Cana, where you changed the water into wine?

J:I don’t know. We went to an awful lot of wedding feasts in those days.

I: But did you ever really turn water into wine?

J:Not that I know of. One time I turned apple juice into milk, but I don’t recall the water and wine.

I: All right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle. What about walking on water? Did that really happen?

J:Oh yeah, that was one that really happened. You see, the problem was, I could do it, and the other guys couldn’t. They were jealous. Peter got so mad at me he had these special shoes made, special big shoes, that if you started out walkin’ real fast you could stay on top of the water for a while. Then, of course, after a few yards, badda-boom, down he goes right into the water. He sinks like a rock. That’s why I called him Peter. Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I shall build my church.

I: Well, that brings up the Apostles. What can you tell us about the Apostles?

J:They smelled like bait, but they were a good bunch of guys. Thirteen of them we had.

I: Thirteen? The Bible says there were only twelve.

J:Well, that was according to Luke. I told you about Luke. Actually, we had thirteen. We had Peter, James, John, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James, that’s a different James, Thaddeus. How many is that?

I: That’s ten.

J:Simon, Judas, and Red.

I: Red?

J:Yeah, Red the Apostle.

I: Red the Apostle doesn’t appear in the Bible.

J:Nah, Red kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the weddings. He was a little strange; he thought the Red Sea was named after him.

I: And what about Judas?

J:Don’t get me started on Judas. A completely unpleasant person, okay?

I: Well, what about the other Apostles, say for instance, Thomas, was he really a doubter?

J:Believe me, this guy Thomas, you couldn’t tell him nothin’. He was always asking me for ID. Soon as I would see him, he would go, “You got any ID?” To this day he doesn’t believe I’m God.

I: And are you God?

J:Well, partly. I’m a member of the Trinity.

I: Yes. In fact, you’re writing a book about the Trinity.

J:That’s right, it’s called Three’s a Crowd.

I: As I understand it, it’s nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the Holy Ghost.

J:Listen, it’s not an attack, okay? It happens I don’t get along with the Holy Ghost. So I leave him alone. That’s it. What he does is his business.

I: What’s the reason?

J:Well, first of all, he’s a wise guy. Every time he shows up, he appears as somethin’ different. One day he’s a dove, another day he’s a tongue of fire. Always foolin’ around. I don’t bother with the guy. I don’t wanna know about him, I don’t wanna see him, I don’t wanna talk to him.

I: Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called hell?

J:Oh yeah, there’s a hell, all right. There’s also a heck. It’s not as severe as hell, but we’ve got a heck and a hell.

I: What about purgatory?

J:No, I don’t know about no purgatory. We got heaven, hell, heck, and limbo.

I: What is limbo like?

J:I don’t know. No one is allowed in. If anyone was in there it wouldn’t be limbo, it would just be another place.

I: Getting back to your previous visit, what can you tell us about the Last Supper?

J:Well, first of all, if I’da known I was gonna be crucified, I woulda had a bigger meal. You never want to be crucified on an empty stomach. As it was, I had a little salad and some veal.

I: The crucifixion must have been terrible.

J:Oh yeah, it was awful. Unless you went through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was. And tiring. It was very, very tiring. But I think more than anything else, it was embarrassing. You know, in front of all those people, to be crucified like that. But, I guess it redeemed a lot of people. I hope so. It would be a shame to do it for no reason.

I: Were you scared?

J:Oh yeah. I was afraid it was gonna rain; I thought for sure I would get hit by lightning. One good thing, though, while I was up there I had a really good view; I could actually see my house. There’s always a bright side.

I: And then three days later you rose from the dead.

J:How’s that?

I: On Easter Sunday. You rose from the dead, didn’t you?

J:Not that I know of. I think I would remember something like that. I do remember sleeping a long time after the crucifixion. Like I said, it was very tiring. I think what mighta happened was I passed out, and they thought I was dead. We didn’t have such good medical people in those days. It was mostly volunteers.

I: And, according to the Bible, forty days later you ascended into heaven.

J:Pulleys! Ropes, pulleys, and a harness. I think it was Simon came up with a great harness thing that went under my toga. You couldn’t see it at all. Since that day, I been in Heaven, and, all in all, I would have to say that while I was down here I had a really good time. Except for the suffering.

I: And what do you think about Christianity today?

J:Well, I’m a little embarrassed by it. I wish they would take my name off it. If I had the whole thing to do over, I would probably start one of those Eastern religions like Buddha. Buddha was smart. That’s how come he’s laughing.

I: You wouldn’t want to be a Christian?