Dave Barry - Bad Habits

Dear Mr. Barry:

Unless you’re the kind of worthless scum that sat idly by while those thugs beat up that woman in New York some years back, you probably have been giving a lot of thought to your family’s financial security. No doubt you have said to yourself countless times, “Sure, I’d love to invest $10,000 or more in liquidated Option Debenture Fiduciary Instruments of Trust, but I don’t know where to mail a certified or cashier’s check.” Well, your worries are over, because ...

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Dear Brother Barry:

As you are no doubt aware, the Reverend Bud Albumen didn’t develop one of the fastest-growing evangelical organizations in south central Kentucky just by accident. He developed it by building really top-notch studio facilities. But these facilities cost money, which is why the Lord told the Reverend Albumen to tell you to send in a Love Offering of

$13.50 per member of your household, or a special rate of $6.75, which is

a 50 percent discount, for children under ten. Just as soon as the Reverend Albumen receives your Love Offering, he will ask the Lord not to bring disease and suffering and mudslides to your home, but remember, he can’t do this until he receives your ... NO! NOT THE SCISSORS! PLEASE

DON’T ...

AAARRRGGGH

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