Dave Barry - Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits

“History” category, identifies World War II as “a kind of fish.”

3—Oral Roberts tells his followers that unless they send him $4.5 million by the end of the month, God will turn him into a hypocritical money-grubbing slime bag.

5—In response to growing pressure from the United States, the government of Colombia vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if necessary, remove them from the Cabinet.

8—The Federal Aviation Administration announces that, in response to a routine questionnaire, 63 percent of the nation’s air traffic controllers stated that their primary career goals was “to defeat the forces of the Planet Wambeeno.”

10—In the ongoing war against the federal deficit, the Reagan administration submits the first-ever $1 trillion budget.

14—In New York City, officials of the justice Department’s Organized Crime Task Force announce that Anthony “Grain Embargo” DiPonderoso and Jimmy “Those Little Pins They Put in New Shirts” Zooroni have agreed to enter the Federal Nickname Exchange Program.

16—In his first press conference since 1952, President Reagan, asked by reporters to comment on persistent allegations that he is “out of touch,” responds: “Thanks, but I just had breakfast.”

18—The People’s Republic of China announces that “Deng Xiaoping” means “Big Stud Artichoke.”

21—The Audi Corporation is forced to recall 250,000 cars after repeated incidents wherein parked Audis, apparently acting on their own, used their mobile phones to purchase stocks on margin.

26—President Reagan tells Iran-contra scandal investigators that he “might have” approved the sale of arms to Iran.

28—In the Middle East, Syria has its name legally changed to “Jordan.” A welcome calm settles over Beirut as the six remaining civilians are taken hostage.

30—In Washington, the Internal Revenue Service unveils the new, improved W-4

form, which is such a big hit that the experts who thought it up are immediately put to work on developing a policy for the Persian Gulf.

1—A new policy requiring random drug testing of all airline pilots runs into a snag when nearly half of the Delta pilots are unable to hit the specimen bottle.

2—Miami City Commissioner Rosario Kennedy, responding to a Herald report that taxpayers spent $111,549 to decorate her office says—we are not making this quotation up—”there’s not one item that really stands out. It’s not the Taj Mahal.” Donations of clothing and canned goods pour in from concerned taxpayers.

3—In the ongoing war against the federal budget deficit, Congress gives itself a pay raise.

4—The United States yacht Stars and Stripes recaptures the coveted America’s Cup when the Australian entry, Kookaburra, is sunk by a Chinese-made

“Silkworm” missile. The U.S. Sixth Fleet steams toward the troubled region with orders “to form humongous targets.” Liberace goes to the Big Candelabra in the Sky.

6—In a White House ceremony marking his 76th birthday, President Reagan attempts to blow out the hot line.

7—Famed Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward reveals that, in a secret hospital interview, dying entertainer Liberace revealed that Woodward’s upcoming book, Veil, would be “a real page-turner.”

8—True item: Senator Lloyd Bentsen, chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, sends out a letter telling lobbyists that for $10,000 each, they can attend monthly breakfasts with him.

9—Representative Arnold LaTreece announces that for $15,000 each, lobbyists can kiss him on the lips.

10—George Bush announces that he is available for $12.50.

11—President Reagan tells Iran-contra scandal investigators that he did not approve of the arms sale to Iran.

15—George Bush reduces his price to $3.99, including the souvenir beverage mug.

17—In Colombia, police arrest Carlos Lehder for jaywalking and discover, during a routine search, that his pockets contain 1,265,000 pounds of cocaine. Lehder claims to have “no idea” how it got there.

19—Mario Cuomo announces that he doesn’t want to be president and immediately becomes the Democratic front-runner.

22—George Bush announces that he doesn’t want to be president, either.

22—Andy Warhol goes to the Big Soup Can in the Sky.

23—Panic grips the nation as a terrorist group seizes 150,000 new, improved

W-4 forms and threatens to send them to randomly selected Americans through the mail.

23—Famed Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward reveals that, in a secret hospital interview, dying artist Andy Warhol revealed that Woodward’s forthcoming book, Veil, would be “available in bookstores everywhere.”

24—President Reagan announces that he cannot remember whether he approved the sale of arms to Iran. In a quotation that we are not making up, the president tells White House reporters: “Everybody that can remember what they were doing on August 8, 1985, raise your hand.”

25—White House reporters examine their diaries and discover, to their shock, that on August 8, 1985, they approved the sale of arms to Iran. They are immediately arrested.

2—The Miami Grand Prix is won by Mrs. Rose Gridhorn, 83, of Hackensack, New jersey, driving a 1976 Chrysler New Yorker with the left blinker on.

3—Comedian Danny Kaye dies moments after granting an interview to Bob Woodward.

7—In the widening scandal on Wall Street, the heads of three major investment firms rob a liquor store.

9—In Tallahassee, state legislators agree on a plan to tax professionals who perform services. A few hours later, they decide it also should apply to lawyers.

11—Florida Governor “Bob” Martinez, who ran for office on a platform of opposing taxes, announces that he will support the new tax on services, until it is passed, then he will call for a referendum so voters can vote against the tax, although he will campaign for the tax, but then he will change his mind and announce that he is calling a special session of the Legislature to repeal the tax. Everybody naturally assumes that the governor is joking.

13—Noncandidate Mario Cuomo, carrying out his normal duties as governor of New York state, meets with the heads of state of England, France, Norway, Sweden, and Germany.

15—A barge loaded with garbage sets out into the Atlantic under the command of explorer/author Thor Heyerdahl, who is seeking to prove his theory that South America could have been discovered by ancient mariners sailing from Islip, Long Island, in crude garbage barges.

18—The Southern Methodist University football team is suspended from intercollegiate athletics when National Collegiate Athletic Association investigators, after taking urine samples, determine that the school’s leading rusher, majoring in communications, is a horse. 2

1—The IRS releases an even newer, simpler W-4 form in response to complaints from a number of taxpayers, all of whom will be audited for the rest of their lives.

23—The Southern Methodist University horse is drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs.

24—A place called Chad defeats Libya in some kind of war. This really happened.

27—In what is hailed as a major arms race breakthrough, United States and Soviet arms negotiators in Geneva agree to wear matching outfits.

30—In an illegal industrial waste dump somewhere in Louisiana, lightning strikes two adjacent putrid pools of festering corrosive toxic slime, setting off a bizarre chain of chemical reactions that cause the pools first to bubble, then slowly, horrifyingly, to solidify and pulsate upward, gradually forming themselves into shapes that, in the ghastly light of the flickering electrical storm, appear almost human. “Hi!” they shriek cheerfully into the swampland emptiness. “We’re Jim and Tammy Faye!”