Dave Barry - Stay Fit And Healthy Until You’re Dead
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When to Actually Start Your Fitness Program
Not today, certainly. You’ve done enough today! I would rule tomorrow out, also, seeing as how it comes so soon after today. You rush into these things, and the next thing you know, you’ve strained a ligament or something. So I would say the best time to begin would be first thing after Easter, although not the one coming up.
Chapter 3. Women’s Total Complete Aerobic Fitness Workout
Warming Up
To understand the importance of warming up, let’s take a look inside a typical human muscle. As we can see, it’s very dark inside a typical human muscle. This means that most of the time the individual muscle cells are fast asleep. The purpose of your warm-up routine is to allow these cells to wake up gradually—to stretch, to scratch, to go to the bathroom, etc. If you just start jerking them around, they’re going to be very cranky, and they may develop a condition that professional medical doctors call a “Charley horse,” which is usually fatal.
WARM-UP NUMBER ONE:
CLEARING YOUR MIND OF WORRISOME THOUGHTS
You can’t loosen up effectively if you’re worried about nuclear war, or the likelihood that somebody might steal your wallet while you’re doing your exercise routine. So your initial warm-up step should be to lie down on your back with your knees bent and your feet planted 17 inches apart, then, with your left hand overlapping your right, clasp your wallet to your chest, raise your head to an angle of about 36 degrees Fahrenheit, and watch “Happy Days” or a similar television situation comedy rerun where they never talk about the likelihood of nuclear war. Hold this position until about a minute and a half before your neck develops a “crick,” which is usually fatal.
WARM-UP NUMBER TWO:
LETTING YOUR MUSCLES KNOW
YOU’RE ABOUT TO START MOVING
Lie facedown on your wallet with your legs together and your arms away from your body at an angle of about 7 degrees, then have a friend or hired servant place his or her face about an inch from your various major muscle groupings and say, in a pleasant, musical voice, “Everybody up! Time to start warming up for a Fitness Workout!” Then have your friend listen closely to your muscle groupings for the sound of good-natured cellular grumbling. If necessary, he or she should prod them very gently with the eraser of a number 2 pencil, such as you used on your college boards.
WARM-UP NUMBER THREE:
PUTTING A TAPE OF LOUD ROCK ‘N’ ROLL-TYPE
WORK-OUT MUSIC ON A GHETTO BLASTER-TYPE
STEREOPHONIC LISTENING DEVICE
One thing you have probably wondered about for many years is why musicians who sing rock ‘n’ roll tend to be extremely thin, if not actually dead, whereas those who sing, say, opera, tend to be humongous wads of cellulite. The reason for this phenomenon, scientists now believe, is that fat cells are actually destroyed by stupid lyrics. In one recent experiment, scientists at the University of Iowa reduced a live 450-pound hog to an object the size of a harmonica in less than six hours by repeatedly playing the chorus to “Shake Your Groove Thing” at it. Other songs with proven fat-reduction lyrics that you’ll want to have on your workout tape are:
“My Baby Does the Hanky Panky”
“Yummy Yummy Yummy I’ve Got Love in My Tummy”
The verse of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” that refers to “figgy pudding”
Everything Barry Manilow ever wrote
“Ballad of the Green Berets”
“Da Doo Ron Ron”
“My Way”
To put your tape on your ghetto blaster, lie on your back with your legs about 14 inches apart and your wallet clamped in your left armpit, raise your right arm gradually until you can insert the workout tape into the ghetto blaster device, press the “play” button, then gradually return your arm to the floor and just lie there for a while, spent.
The Actual Workout
All warmed up? Great! Let’s start getting fit! Do each of the exercises below twice on the first day, 4 times the second day, 8 times the third day, and so on, each day doubling the previous day’s number until, after just two weeks, you’re doing each exercise over 1,000 times! And hemorrhaging internally!
So let’s get started!
EXERCISE NUMBER ONE:
LEG HEFT
Lie on your back, legs slightly spread, arms resting on the floor, palms down. Have an accomplice grasp you by your ankles and lift your legs about 18 inches then attempt to guess their combined weight.
EXERCISE NUMBER TWO:
THIGH GRASP
Lie on your stomach with your face resting on a New York Times “Fall Fashion Supplement” opened to a photograph of a model who consumes fewer calories in an entire year than you do at a single wedding reception. Slowly reach your hands down and grasp yourself by the left thigh, then the right, and then close your eyes and moan quietly in despair for a count of about eight seconds.
EXERCISE NUMBER THREE:
SINCERE ANNOUNCEMENT OF INTENTION
TO CHANGE DIETARY HABITS
You and a partner stand facing each other about three feet apart, legs comfortably spread, knees slightly bent, eating from individual one-pound bags of Wise brand potato chips. You say, “First thing tomorrow I swear to God I am definitely going to go on a diet, I really mean it.” Your partner responds, “Yes, me too. I definitely will go on a diet also. I believe there is a vat of Lipton brand California-style onion dip in the refrigerator.” Then you exchange places and repeat the exercise.
EXERCISE NUMBER FOUR:
BREAST DEVELOPMENT
Originally, I was going to use this space to describe an amazing new Scientific Discovery exercise that enables any woman to develop, within minutes, two large, firm breasts such as are regularly featured on television star Loni Anderson. But then I said to myself, “Hey, isn’t it time that we, as a liberated society, got over this juvenile and demeaning fixation with breasts?” So I have decided to omit this particular amazing, risk-free, 100
percent effective exercise, although of course if you wish to obtain a copy for the purpose of scientific research, I’d be happy to send it to you just for the asking, plus $29.95 for postage and handling. If you act right now, I’ll also send several grainy before-and-after photographs of women who used to look like Olive Oyl but now, thanks to this Amazing Breast Exercise Discovery, cannot walk erect unless preceded by native bearers.
Cooling Down
As we discussed in Chapter 1, when you exercise, your muscle cells take in molecules of oxygen and give off molecules of sweat, which work their way to your armpits. For your cooling-down phase, lie on your back with your arms laced behind your head and your elbows on the floor, thus exposing a maximum of armpit area and allowing the sweat molecules to escape into the atmosphere as harmless BO vapors. This would be an excellent time to start worrying about nuclear war again.
Chapter 4. Running
An Important Safety Note about Running
In this chapter, I can give you only a cursory overview of running, which is without question the most difficult and complex form of exercise, as is evidenced by the fact that it is the subject of numerous lengthy books costing upward of $14.95. Unfortunately, many members of the general public still labor under the dangerous misconception that running is simply a matter of getting out and running. So before you attempt to do any actual running, I strongly urge you to read a minimum of several books on the subject and to take lessons from a trained running instructor. I also cannot overemphasize the importance of spending large sums of money.
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