William Falkner - The White Rose of Memphis

“Well, aren’t you going to tell me what it is?”

“I have been setting Greek against Greek, and you know what Byron says will happen when Greek meets Greek.”

“Oh, bother Byron and his Greeks; tell me what you know?”

“I bribed the chamber-maid and set her on the track of the seedy men.”

“And, pray, what’s the result?”

“They are sure-enough detectives; that much I have discovered through my spy.”

“Good! What else?”

“They are shadowing some one on this boat.”

“They are doing what to some one on this boat?”

“Shadowing him.”

“Oh, is that all? You mean that they are keeping some one out of the sunshine.”

“No, no! I mean to tell you that they have spotted their man.”

“Spotted their man! Poor fellow! what color were the spots they put on him?”

“Ah, Scottie, I perceive that you are not posted in regard to the peculiar language usually employed by the police department; when a detective officer sees a man who he thinks is the one he wishes to catch, he begins to follow and watch him, and this is called shadowing him.”

“Ah, indeed! then what is meant by spotting their man?”

“The same thing.”

“Yes, yes, I see now; but who have they been spotting or shadowing?”

“Ingomar.”

“Goodness gracious! Is it possible?”

“It is not only possible, but it is absolutely so.”

“I declare, that is too bad! If I were a man I’d pitch ’em both overboard, so I would. They look like a brace of sneak thieves anyhow. What can they want with Ingomar?”

“That I don’t know; but you may be sure I’ll find out ere long, for I have got a clever detective on their track; in other words, I have got them spotted.”

“If a hundred witnesses were to swear that Ingomar was a criminal, I wouldn’t believe it.”

“Don’t believe anything unless you want to, but what would you think if it should turn out after all that Ingomar has murdered his rival in love?”

“Oh, horrible! Don’t speak so, I beseech you!”

“Such things have happened, and why not happen again?”

“Yes, but Ingomar is not a man of that sort; I’d risk my life on it.”

“Well, now, I have told you all I know, let’s hear about the black domino.”

“I have found out scarcely anything, except the fact that she is very sad, and is often found weeping in her state-room. I have been watching her closely, though she seems to avoid me as much as she can. I think the old gentleman with the white beard is her uncle, and I heard her say to him this morning that she could not endure it much longer.”

“Endure what much longer?”

“That was all I heard; but she was weeping as if her heart would break, and the old gentleman tried to comfort her, and I heard him say that the matter should be settled in some way soon.”

“What matter did he say should be settled?”

“How should I know? I have told you all I heard.”

“I’ll put my detectives on her track, too, and I’ll unravel this business, if it takes all the money I possess. See here, Scottie, did you know that I am dying with curiosity to know your real name?”

“Indeed, I did not.”

“Well it’s so; and why not relieve me?”

“Because the queen would be offended if I were to do it.”

“Tell me your real name, and the queen shall never know of it.”

“You shall know me when I know you, and not before.”

“Very well; that is fair, at all events, and I am content. But I see the queen beckoning us to come to our seats to listen to Ingomar’s story.”

As soon as the maskers were seated the queen ordered Ingomar to resume.

“The next morning after Lottie had promised to be my wife, I mentioned the subject to Doctor Dodson, as I considered it my duty to do so.

“‘I am going to be married, sir,’ said I, ‘as soon as I get my diploma.’

“‘Ah, ha, indeed! and pray who’s to be the unlucky woman that you have resolved to render miserable for life?’

“‘I don’t intend to make any woman miserable, neither do I expect to marry any woman.’ I said this rather sharply, as I felt a little ruffled.

“‘Ah, ha! and you don’t mean to marry a woman, yet you say you are going to be married. I suppose you expect to marry a wood-nymph or a fairy. I guess you do not aspire to an angel.’

“‘That’s exactly the state of my case; it’s an angel sure enough.’

“‘When did she light on this part of the globe?’

“‘Seven years ago.’

“‘Ah, ha! here we come, you sly old rascal! I see how it is now. I have suspected you of villainous designs against Lottie for some time, and I see I was not mistaken; but look here, my boy, that dear girl is too good for you; she’s worth a thousand such bundles of humanity as you; and right here let me say a few words with the bark on them. If ever you speak a cross word to that dear girl, or give her an unkind look, the fact is, if you ever give her cause to regret her choice, I’ll – I’ll, yes, I’ll, ah, ha! I’ll give you a dose of strychnine, which is considered by the profession the most polite way of getting rid of mean dogs; ah, ha! don’t you see, my boy?’

“He gave me a punch under the arm with his thumb. ‘Yes, ah, ha! I’ll poison you as I would a rat or a dog, if ever you dare to cause my little queen a moment’s pain.’

“‘I promise to swallow all the strychnine in the drug-stores if ever I do an act willingly to give dear Lottie pain.’

“‘There! there! ah, ha! spoken like a man. Here we come; take my hand, and my blessing with it, you rascal! Ah, ha! what a lucky scamp you are! What on earth possessed the girl, to make her fall in love with such an overgrown mushroom. Well, well, well! I can scarcely believe that Lottie is in earnest; she has agreed to marry you out of pure pity, you good-for-nothing scamp. Well, if Lottie is fool enough to marry you, I’ll be fool enough to give her all my property in order to enable her to support you; ah, ha! you see how it is, don’t you, my boy?’

“I was very glad to see that the good old doctor was really delighted with the news of my engagement.

“‘Ah, ha! Eddie, here we come, my boy! go to work, go to work; you are going to be the head of a family, you know, therefore you must have something to support a family with.’

“‘What do you wish me to do, sir?’ I inquired.

“‘Take an inventory of these drugs, of course; ah, ha! my boy, take stock, take stock; find out how the business stands. See how the business stands; see what’s on hand, and mind that you don’t lose too much time thinking about Lottie. Ah, ha! my boy, you see how it is yourself, don’t you? Take stock, find out everything. How can a man support a family without something to do it with? Ah, ha! my boy, tell me how it can be done? Can’t tell? of course you can’t; neither can I – impossible! – family can’t be supported on air, or gas – must have bread – bread, of course. Well, how are you going to buy bread when you have nothing to buy it with? Lottie must have bread – you know; therefore go to work, take stock, take an inventory, then the business is half yours; ah, ha! you see now, don’t you, Eddie, my boy? Full partner signboard: Dodson & Demar, Druggists and physicians, etc., etc., etc. Ah, ha! do you see, Eddie, my boy? Lottie’s a lady, you know; must have nice clothes; must have bread; money buys bread, money buys clothes, money buys nice home; where does the money come from? Drug-store, of course – full partner. Ah, ha! Eddie, my boy, here we come, Dodson & Demar; now go to work, fix things lively, let me see balance sheet with nice figures; have everything done up in apple-pie order; think of Lottie as much as you please, but mind you don’t take a dose of dog poison by mistake. Do you know the reason why I like you, Eddie, my boy? Ah, ha! of course you do; ’tis because you don’t play billiards. You can’t play whist; you can’t play poker; you can’t play chess; you’re a booby, that’s what you are, Eddie, my boy, ah, ha! therefore I like you. I admire boobies, who can’t play billiards nor poker. I’m a booby myself, you see, consequently I like ’em. Lottie likes boobies – that accounts for her foolish love for you; she learned that from me; shows her good sense. I told her that boobies were the best in the long run; billiard players, poker players, chess players, perfumed pretty boys are splendid fellows in a short race, but when it comes to long heats, they are always left behind.’