Chris Beckett - Dark Eden

‘What have you got to do?’

‘I’ll . . . I’ll tell you later.’

‘Does it involve Bella by any chance, or Martha London?’

‘No, no. Nothing like that. You’ll understand when I tell you.’

She examined me closely with her eyes narrowed. Then, reluctantly, she shrugged and nodded and headed off.

I noticed Caroline looking at me again. All of Council had gone, and nearly all of Family, but she was still standing there. I made a pretence of leaving myself, heading in the general direction of Stream’s Join, but walking slowly and letting people pass me. When there was no one left behind me, I doubled back to Circle Clearing.

Sure enough, Caroline had gone, and so had everyone else. There was no one there but me.

Nothing looks more lovely than something that’s about to end, and that’s true even if you yourself are going to be the cause of its ending.

That clearing was beautiful beautiful with the bright whitelanterns all round, extra bright and shiny as they were from being pruned for all those wombtimes since the beginning, and with shiny bright Main Stream running past one edge of it. But of course there were other pretty clearings in forest, and what made Circle Clearing special were the white stones in middle. They were what made it different from every single one of all the other gaps and openings in forest between Alps and Rockies, and between Blue Mountains and Peckham Hills. That white Circle gave it a mystery and a story. And they made it ours.

So I hesitated, feeling in the little pocket at the edge of my waistwrap for Angela’s ring, as if I thought she might help me decide what to do. But she was silent. All I heard was, far off in the future, voices calling back to me across time.

‘No, no, don’t do it!’ some of them were saying. ‘Angela said we must stay together by Circle, John. You know she did. She made Circle herself! Her and Tommy. They made it to show us where we must wait until Earth comes back for us at last!’

‘Do it, John, do it!’ other voices were saying. ‘Angela wanted us to make a life on Eden. If she hadn’t wanted that she’d never have stayed and never have laid down with Tommy.’

They couldn’t settle it for me. They were no use at all. I’d have to make up my own mind. My mouth was dry, my hands clammy with sweat, but I looked around one more time to make sure no one was watching, then walked over to one of the stones and picked it up.

No one had ever picked up one of those stones before, not that I’d heard of, not since they were first laid there by Tommy and Angela themselves. It was just a stone, cold to the touch like other stones, heavy like other stones, but I felt like the thing might burst into flames in my hand and sear off my skin. I feared it would shriek out loud, like a living creature, screaming for Oldest and Council and Family to come and save it. I even feared, a little tiny bit, that I would simply drop down dead.

But of course none of that happened. It was just a stone, wasn’t it? It wasn’t alive. It wasn’t even dead. It was just a stone. And once I’d taken it over to Main Stream and chucked it in, I couldn’t even tell it apart from the other stones that lay on the bottom there, lit by the shining weed. It was just another stone, and the fishes swam over it like they swam over the other stones, trailing their spindly boneless hands. So I went back for another, and then another. Then I took two at once, then another two. I’d gone completely numb by then. I wasn’t feeling anything. I wasn’t thinking about where this would lead to. I wasn’t noticing anything around me. It was like with the leopard. I was doing the job I’d set myself.

Then a voice called out to me, a real human voice, as I was halfway between the remains of Circle and the stream, and I felt like my heart had stopped in my body.

‘Hey, John! You’re breaking Circle!’

It wasn’t David or Caroline, not a grownup at all, just little Jeff hobbling into the clearing.

‘Go away, Jeff. Don’t get involved in this.’

‘What will this do to Oldest, John? Think what it will do to them!’

I’d been shutting all my feelings out of my mind, like I did when I was facing that leopard, but now, just for one moment, they all came pouring in. I imagined old Mitch’s feelings about this special place, made by his grandmother and grandfather, which had been here for all his long long life, and I knew that I’d ruined all that. I’d ruined the peaceful centre of Family. Even if I stopped now, I’d already ruined it. It was all broken to pieces forever.

I looked at Jeff. He could see the horror in my eyes and his own eyes reflected it.

‘Don’t you believe that Angela told us to wait here for Earth?’ he asked me. ‘Or do you just think that she was wrong?’

Not many people in Family could have asked those questions without letting you know what they thought you ought to reply, but Jeff really wanted to know. He watched my face and waited for me to answer.

‘I think Angela knew a whole lot of things,’ I said at last, ‘but I don’t think she knew just how long long this wait for Earth would be.’

He didn’t say anything. He just stood looking up at me, studying my face.

‘It needs to be done, Jeff,’ I said. ‘I don’t like it, but it needs to be done. We need to break away.’

Even now he didn’t speak, but after a few more seconds he slowly reached out and touched one of the stones in my hands, like he was making himself part of what I was doing. He nodded.

‘I’ll go back to Redlantern, then,’ he said.

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘That’s best.’

I waited until he’d gone before I went to the stream and dropped in the stones I was holding. Then I went back for two more, and two more after that. I finished off with the five stones in middle. It didn’t take me long. There was no more Circle in Circle Clearing. It was empty and blank. It was sort of . . . dead.

And I felt dead too. Empty. I couldn’t find any feelings inside me about anything. I knew I must have destroyed Circle for a reason, but I could barely remember what that reason was. I knew that big big things would happen now as a result, but I couldn’t make myself care what they would be. It was like I’d turned to stone myself.

But I walked up Dixon Stream by myself — even old Jeffo was asleep in his shelter — and I climbed the rocks round Deep Pool to where Tina was waiting for me.

She’d been squatting on the bank, eating nuts. She stood up as I came scrambling towards her.

‘You took your time, John. What have you been . . . ?’

When she looked into my face her expression changed completely.

‘Gela’s heart, John! What’s up with you? What have you done?’

I didn’t say anything at all. I pushed her back down on the ground again, I pulled off her wrap, I pressed my mouth against hers . . .

‘Hey John, careful. I don’t want a baby . . .’

I pushed into her and into her and into her until I was ready to come, which was pretty soon. And then, when I’d spurted out my juice over her belly, I didn’t even speak to her, just dived into the pool and swam a long way under the warm bright water before I surfaced, as if I could wash away everything just by letting the water rinse the sweat from my skin, as if this would make Circle whole again, or make it alright with everyone that it had gone.

Tina didn’t swim. She waited for me on the bank and when I tried to climb out, she kicked me back in again. And she didn’t do it in play. She really kicked me.

‘Just tell me what you did, John.’

I didn’t want to hear my voice say it, but I knew I had to.

‘I destroyed it, Tina. I destroyed Circle of Stones.’