Danielle Steel: Answered prayers

“I see. That must have been hard for you.”

“We were okay. I hated not being able to call you. How's everything with you?”

“Fine. Silly in comparison to what you've been through. Alex and I came to an agreement about the house. He's letting me keep it.”

“That's big of him.”

“I think he feels guilty because he's getting married so soon.”

“As well he should.”

“When are you going back to San Francisco?” It was odd talking to him, particularly after she'd made her decision. But even hearing him now, she was sure. All the more so, because she could hear everything in his voice that she felt for him.

“We're going back in two days. I didn't want to push Jason too hard. It's a long trip. He needs to rest. I'll call you tomorrow.” He was exhausted, and needed to get to bed. And what he wanted to say to her would have to wait.

“Have a safe trip.” She had no intention of being there when he called the next day. She was going to leave the phone on the machine. She was going to send him a letter in San Francisco. And nothing he could say to her would change her mind. She knew she was doing the right thing, for both of them. She wasn't Alex. Or Leslie. She wasn't going to contribute to Brad cheating on his wife, or cause a divorce, no matter how unhappy he said they were. It was a matter of respect, for all of them, and herself. She had talked about it at length with a priest, and then made up her own mind. In the end, it had been the only choice she could make. For all their sakes.

Brad fell into bed exhausted, and as he had for weeks now, he fell asleep dreaming of Faith. And in New York, Faith went to church and lit a candle, to strengthen her resolve. Just hearing his voice again told her how hard it would be.

24

THE PLANE BRAD, DYLAN, AND JASON WERE ON touched down in San Francisco on the seventeenth of July. And as Brad turned to smile at Jason, sitting next to him, he saw that his son was crying.

“I never thought I'd come home again, Dad,” he said through his tears, as Brad squeezed his hand. He didn't want to tell him he had feared the same thing. But they were home safe and sound. And Pam was waiting at the airport for them. She threw her arms around Jason, and hugged Dylan, and Brad left them to get the bags, without saying a word to her. Pam and the boys chatted endlessly in the limo. Pam asked a million questions, and she kept staring at Jason, as though to make sure he was really there.

The boys were obviously happy to see their mother, as she was to see them. And Brad said very little on the ride home in the limousine. She waited until the boys had gone upstairs, and then she turned to him.

“You're really angry, aren't you?” she asked him bluntly. He hadn't gone near her in the airport, and when she had tried to hug him, he walked away. He wasn't playing the game with her anymore.

“No, Pam. Actually, I'm not. I'm done.”

“What does that mean?” She looked stunned.

“Just what it sounds like. It's not up to me to forgive you for not coming to Africa, it's up to Jason. But I know I can't be married to you anymore. We were crazy to stay married as long as we did. Neither of us has been in it for a long, long time. You're not there for me. You're not even there for our kids. I don't want to live a lie anymore. I watched our son nearly die in an outpost of civilization. Everyone says it's a miracle he's alive. Without that miracle, there wasn't a damn thing I could have done to save him. I was sitting there just watching him slip away. I don't know where you were, or why, or why you weren't there. But the truth is, I no longer care, and I never will again. You deserve better than that from me. And I deserved a lot better from you. If we don't have it to give each other, we might as well quit. We should have long ago.”

“Brad, this works for us. It always did,” she said reasonably, but he could hear an edge of panic in her voice.

“Maybe. For all the wrong reasons. Mostly because we were too lazy and scared to do anything else. That's not a good enough reason to stay married. At least not for me.” He had finally let go of what his parents had done. He realized it wasn't about them. It was about him and Pam. And no one else. Not even Faith

“Do you have something better now?” she asked with accusation creeping into her voice. But it didn't work on him. Not anymore.

“I have no idea. But I know what we don't have. You and I have absolutely nothing with each other, Pam. You know it as well as I do. That's good enough for me. This marriage is dead, and it has been for a long time. It's time to bury it. It died years ago. And I'm no longer willing to die with it. You get one turn here. One. And we've been wasting ours. I figured that out one day at about five o'clock in the morning in an African village with a name I can't even pronounce. And I promised myself that when I came home I would tell you I'm out. It's time to be honest about this.”

“You're just emotional because of Jason. It was very traumatic for all of you,” she said, hoping to calm him down. She wasn't prepared for what he'd said, although she'd expected him to be upset. But not to this extent. She had counted on his good nature to make him understand.

“Yes, it was traumatic,” he agreed calmly. She was getting nowhere with him. “Lucky for you that you weren't there. Except the funny thing is, I feel sorry for you that you weren't. It was the most beautiful experience of my life. And something none of us will ever forget. You missed it, Pam. Completely. You stayed here safe and sound, and comfortable. You missed the boat.”

“I know I did,” she said sadly. But the truth was, she had felt relieved not to go, and to leave it to him. It had been something she just didn't want to do. “I'm sorry, Brad.”

“Me too.” And he meant it. “We probably never should have gotten married. But at least we've got great kids.”

“Are you serious about this?” It was beginning to dawn on her that he meant it, and the thought panicked her. She was used to being married to him. It was a habit she had relied on for years, but not much more than that.

“I'm totally serious.” His face said he was.

“What are you going to do?” she asked in a small voice.

“I'll move out when I come home. I'm leaving for New York tonight on the red-eye.”

“What are you going to do there?” She looked suspicious, but he had nothing to hide from her.

“I'm going to see Faith. I have a lot to ask her. And to say.”

“I always knew you were in love with her,” Pam said, looking both victorious and annoyed, but nothing more. This wasn't about her heart. It hadn't been in years.

“You're smarter than I am. I figured it out not long ago. I have no idea if she'll have me, but I'm going to give it a try. If I'm a lucky man, she will.” Pam stood and stared at him in silence and nodded. She could see there was no fighting him.

“Have you told the boys?”

“I thought we'd do that together when I get back.”

“How long will you be gone?”

“It depends on what happens.” He had been totally honest with her. She knew as much as he did at this point. He felt he owed her that. And it was more than she'd given him. “A few days, maybe a week. We'll see. I'll let you know.”

“I'd like to tell my father before we tell the boys.”

“That's fine.”

“Does she know you're coming?” Pam was curious now.

“No, she doesn't.” Pam nodded, and a minute later she left the room. She looked startled and unhappy, but she never shed a tear, or asked him to change his mind. She knew he was gone.

Brad spent the afternoon with Jason and Dylan, and he called the two attorneys who'd been covering his cases. They'd gotten continuances for him on almost everything, except for one minor case that had gone well. He promised both of them he'd be back in another week. And then he had a lot of catching up to do, and he'd have to move. As Alex had done with Faith, although with less grace, Brad was giving her the house. It wasn't worth fighting for. None of it was. They had lived an illusion for too many years. Now he wanted something real.