Danielle Steel - Happy Birthday - A Novel

“If I do meet someone, I’m not even sure I’d want to get pregnant. I’ve never been a hundred percent sure that having children would fit in my life, or that I’d be good at it. But now that it’s happened, I don’t have the guts to just give it up and walk away. What if I never get pregnant again, or never meet anyone? I will have had this opportunity I threw away, and maybe I’ll never get a second chance. Maybe if I were twenty-two, it would be different. But not at thirty. I’m too old to refuse a gift like this.

“And I’m not even sure I’d have felt differently at twenty. That little person with the heartbeat you see on the sonogram screen is pretty compelling. That’s a baby in there, a real live human being, not just a kink in my lifestyle, or a glitch in scheduling. It’s a person, and for some incredibly stupid reason, this happened to me. Now I need to rise up and meet the challenge, even if it scares the hell out of me, which it does. I’ll just have to figure it out as I go along.

“And fortunately, it’s no longer a big deal to have a baby if you’re unmarried. People do it all the time. Women go to sperm banks and get inseminated by strangers. At least I know who this baby’s father is. He’s a smart, educated, employed, decent-looking guy. I may think he’s an asshole, and he hates my restaurant, but he doesn’t seem like a terrible person for this child to be related to. And it’s what I have to work with for now. Under the circumstances, this is the best I can do, to face what happened. The responsibility here is mine.”

“But you don’t even know this man, April,” her mother said mournfully. She was voicing all of April’s own fears.

“No, I don’t, Mom. I didn’t pick this, and I wouldn’t have. But I want to make the best of it, instead of doing something I may regret for the rest of my life, if I abort it.”

“And what if you regret having it, for the rest of your life?” her mother asked her honestly, and April closed her eyes as she thought about it, and then opened them and smiled. No matter how strong her mother’s doubts were on the subject, the decision had been made.

“I’ll send it to live with you then. You can tell everyone it’s your baby, and even look properly embarrassed about it. Then no one will believe you’re sixty. I think that’s the perfect solution.”

“Very funny,” Valerie said. She had already decided that under no circumstances would she admit it publicly in her professional life when she was a grandmother. Some things were just more than she was willing to endure, and this was one. She wanted to help her daughter, but not admit to grandmotherhood as part of her “image,” or her age. “I just want you to be sure you know what you’re doing.”

“I don’t,” April readily admitted. “I don’t have the remotest idea of what I’m doing, or what will happen when the baby gets here. I’ll just do the best I can to manage. This stuff happens to people all the time. I’m hoping maybe I can get Heather to come in and help me on weekends. Or maybe I’ll have to hire an au pair.” She knew her mother would help her if necessary, but she wanted to try to do this on her own. It was her baby, and her decision to have it. She was a thirty-year-old woman, she had lived on her own in Europe for six years, she ran a successful business, it seemed unlikely that she couldn’t manage a baby. When she tried to think about it calmly, she felt confident about it, and at other times she was as frightened as her mother sounded now. This was all very new to her. But she had seven months to get used to the idea and make plans.

“I think you should call the baby’s father,” her mother said, still sounding worried, and April looked pensive before she responded.

“I might. I haven’t made up my mind. I’ve only known about this for eight days. It’s not like he and I are friends. It was a stupid thing to do. A classic one-night stand, and I got him drunk because he was smart, attractive, and maybe he’d give us a good review. And look what I wound up with. A baby and a shit review. And what am I going to say to him if I do call him? ‘Remember me? I’m the one you gave the lousy review to, the one who designed the overly simplistic menu, is confused about whether to serve delicacies or comfort food, and is cooking below her skill level. Well, how about sharing a kid with me for the rest of your life?’ He said I should only be cooking for children, so I guess I could lead in with that, and tell him that since he thought so, I decided to have one of my own. I can’t even imagine what I’d say to him, or what I want from him. I don’t even know if I like him. From what I know so far, I don’t think so, other than that he’s cute and was pretty good in bed, if I remember correctly, but I have no idea if I’d want him to be involved with our child. Maybe he’s really a jerk, or hates kids, or there are a million things I would hate about him. I just don’t know.”

“But you’re having his baby anyway,” Valerie said in a shaken voice. “This is a little modern for me,” she admitted. “Maybe I’m even older than I think. I still like the idea of loving the man you have a child with, and wanting him to stick around.”

“So do I. But this didn’t happen that way. I’m not the first one it happened to, and at least today you don’t have to marry a man you don’t like, or barely even know. You don’t have to hide in another city and give the baby away. And I don’t have to have an abortion if I don’t want to. There are plenty of women having babies today by men they scarcely know, or not at all. I’m not saying it’s the best way, or even the right way, but I think I’m lucky that I live in a world, and a society, and even a city, where I can handle this any way I want. It’s not going to be anyone’s problem except mine, and I’m willing to take it on. I don’t know if I want the baby’s father helping me, or interfering with me, or maybe even getting involved in my baby’s life. For now, it’s my baby, not ‘ours.’ And the only reason I might tell him eventually is because I respect his right to know. But beyond that, I don’t think I want anything from him. He never called me after we spent the night together, he never even thanked me for dinner, so he doesn’t have any investment in me either. If he’d been interested in me, he would have called.” Valerie realized she had a point, and April had been thinking about that all week. Since she had never heard from Mike Steinman after his bad review, she assumed he was either embarrassed or didn’t give a damn. It made it that much harder to call now. It would have been hard enough if they were dating, but since they weren’t, she didn’t know if she should call him now, or after the baby was born, or not at all. And she had wanted no input from him in order to make up her mind about whether or not to have it. She wasn’t counting on him. She was relying on herself. And her mother couldn’t help admiring her for it, although the decision to have it wasn’t the one she would have made, particularly not on her own. She was more than willing to admit that she wasn’t that brave.

“All right, darling. I just want to be sure that you know what you’re getting into.” She sighed. “When are you going to tell your father?” Valerie sounded worried again. She knew her ex-husband, Pat, was not going to like it. He was very conservative and traditional, and a grandchild born out of wedlock was surely not what he had in mind for his oldest daughter. But he was also crazy about April.

“I don’t know yet,” April said, glancing at her watch. She had a meeting with their butcher that morning and wanted to order all the cuts she needed for the next month, and she had to see their poultry supplier for Thanksgiving. She had been letting things slide for the last week, while she wrestled with the decision about the baby. Now she had to focus on the restaurant again. She knew that from now on her life was going to be a juggling act, between the restaurant and the baby. She’d better get used to it, but at least for now she could concentrate on the restaurant full-time. “I’ve got to go to work, Mom. You’re coming for Thanksgiving, right?”