Danielle Steel - Irresistible Forces

“I'll leave for Europe before he gets here. And I don't want you to leave Dow Tech, Meredith. Please know that.”

“Thank you,” she said and stood up. There were tears in her eyes, but she didn't reach out to him, or cling to him. She looked at him for a long moment and walked to the door, and then his voice stopped her.

“When is he leaving this time?”

“Tomorrow morning,” she said without turning around. She already had her hand on the door, and she felt a tug at her heart when he asked the question. She still wanted to be with him, but she knew she couldn't. Not now. Not anymore. Not until she knew what would happen with Steve. Maybe never.

“I'll call you,” he said, and her heart leaped again, in spite of everything she had told him. She wanted to let go while they still could. If they could. But at least, they had to try it.

“I don't think you should,” she said softly. And he said nothing, as she closed the door softly behind her.

Steve was waiting for her when she got home, and he looked strained, but he told her he had settled everything at the hospital in the city. And for the rest of the day, they made plans and talked. But they never made love during the entire weekend. This was more business than romance. And he left on Sunday morning. He had a lot to do in New York now. And when he was gone, Meredith sat grimly in the apartment. She had to find a place in the city for them to live now, and she didn't want to do that either. She didn't want to do any of it. She didn't want to leave Cal. Didn't want to live with Steve. Didn't want anything except what she'd had for the past two months, but she knew she had to give that up now. She was still sitting there, thinking about Cal, when the doorbell rang on Sunday afternoon.

It was Cal, and he just stood there and looked at her, and without a word, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her. He looked as unhappy as she did. He had wanted to hate her for what she'd said, and planned to do so, but he couldn't. He wanted her too badly. And without saying a word, he pulled her toward her bedroom, and she followed.

“We have two weeks, Merrie,” was all he said. It was a death knell for them, more than a promise. But they couldn't stop now. Not until they had to.

They spent the afternoon in bed, storing up what they would no longer have soon. Two weeks. And then it would be over.

Chapter 18

WHEN STEVE FLEW back to New York, he called the hospital to see if Anna was at work that day. The nurse in charge checked the schedule and said she was off till Tuesday. He didn't have to be at work himself until Monday at noon, so he went to her apartment on Monday morning to see her. Conveniently, Felicia was at school, and he found Anna alone when he rang her doorbell. He had called before to say he was coming over, and she sounded pleased to hear him.

But as soon as she saw his face that day, she knew that something was brewing. He looked more serious than usual, and he seemed quiet when he sat down on the couch, while she made him a cup of coffee.

“Should I ask how it was?” she asked quietly. “Or should I mind my own business?” She wasn't sure what had happened out there, but she could see in his eyes that something was different. And he hadn't called her all weekend. She also knew he was due back on Sunday night, and he hadn't come over.

“It was all right,” he said, and took the mug of coffee from her and set it down on the table. “It wasn't as bad as last time. We did a lot of talking.”

“Good talk or bad talk?” she asked, watching him, trying to read his face, but he looked guarded. Their affair had been going on for four weeks, and although she knew him well, she also knew that there were times when he was very private. Particularly about Meredith, and the situation in California. She didn't want to pry, but she wanted to help him.

“Good talk, I guess,” he answered her, and then he took a breath, and dove into the deep water. He knew it would be hard to do, but there was no point stalling. More than anything, in spite of what he had to say, he didn't want to hurt her. “Anna.” Just the way he said the word, made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. She sensed more than she knew what was coming. “I'm moving out there.”

“That's not exactly news,” she said calmly. She was stalling for time, in order to maintain her composure.

“I mean now. Soon. In two weeks. I'm going to give notice.”

“Did you find a job?” In spite of herself, she looked startled. Her face had the look of an animal being hunted.

“More or less. I found something as low man in an ER. It's not great. But it'll do for now. You mean a lot to me,” he said carefully, choosing his words like diamonds, but he knew that whatever he said, he would wound her. It was why he wanted to end it now, instead of later. He had realized he was falling in love with her, and because of that he had decided to press Meredith about his moving out there. He knew that if he waited, the damage to Anna would be greater. And he wanted to stop it before he hurt her too badly to recover. “I've got to make the move now,” he said. “If I wait any longer, it'll be worse later when I do it. I don't want to fuck up your life any more than I have in the last four weeks. We're living a dream here. It's a dream I love. I want to be here with you, working with you, sleeping with you at night, playing with Felicia. But I can't. I'm married to Meredith, and we have fifteen years behind us. No matter how lousy the situation is for me right now, I've got to go out there and try and put it back together.”

“Is that what she wants?” Anna asked. Her arms were crossed and she seemed hunched over, as though her stomach hurt, or her heart, and Steve hated what he was doing to her.

“She agreed to it. I think she knows what I do, that if we wait, it'll be all over. This is the eleventh hour for us. We've either got to set it right, or give it up. And I don't want you to wait for me. You have to assume that I'm going to stay out there. You have to forget me.” He said it softly but firmly, and for an instant, she thought the words would kill her.

“That's not so easy,” she said as tears filled her eyes. “Forgetting you is a tall order. You're kind of an asshole at times, but I love you.”

“Just remember that I'm an asshole.”

“That shouldn't be hard,” she said, with her usual bravado, but he could see that he was killing her. And he didn't even want to think about Felicia. He had fallen in love with her too, she was the little girl he'd never had, and she deserved so much more than just Anna could give her. She needed a father. But he couldn't sign up for the job, he already had one, as Merrie's husband.

“I don't know what to say to you,” he said, choking on his own words. “I love you. I want to be with you. If I were free, and you were dumb enough to have me, I'd marry you. But I can't offer you anything this way. I'm cheating you, and myself, by staying here. I have a responsibility to Merrie.”

“She's a lucky woman,” Anna said hoarsely. And then, “What if it doesn't work out? Will you come back?”

“No,” he said, and the word sounded harsh even to him. He didn't want to leave her any hope. It wouldn't be fair. Because, with luck, he would stay with Merrie. And if he didn't, God only knew what would happen. “If it doesn't work out,” he said, convincing himself as much as her, “I'm going to do something very different. Maybe what you suggested, I might spend a couple of years running a clinic in an underdeveloped country. ‘‘

“You rich guys are lucky,” she said bitterly. “You can do whatever the hell you want, and you don't have to worry about feeding anyone, or paying the bills, or supporting your kids. You just pick up your feet and pack your bags, and go wherever the hell you want to.” He knew that she would have liked to do what he was talking about, probably more than he would. But he actually thought it would be a good idea for him, if his attempt to save his marriage failed. It was time for him to put something back into the world, instead of just patching up guys who shot each other.