Danielle Steel - Lone eagle

Joe never went to sleep that night, and at six o'clock he got up and brushed his teeth and washed his face. He had just walked back to her bed to look at her, when she stirred slightly, and opened her eyes. She gazed right into his, and he could barely breathe he was so surprised.

“That's better,” he smiled at her, feeling relief wash over him like a tidal wave. “Welcome back.” She made a little noise that sounded like a sigh, and then closed her eyes again, and he could hardly wait for the nurse to come in so he could tell her Kate was awake. Before she ever came back into the room, Kate looked at him again, and made an enormous effort to speak to him. She didn't seem surprised to see him there.

“What happened…” Her voice was so faint he could hardly hear, but he bent close to her face so as not to miss the words.

“You had an accident,” he whispered back, not sure why he did. He didn't want to overwhelm her by talking too loud.

“Is Reed okay?” She remembered being in the car with him, but not that it had happened on the way back.

“He's fine.” He was praying that she wouldn't ask about the baby yet. He didn't want her to know it had died, or that it had been twins. “Just take it easy, sweetheart. I'm right here with you. You're going to be fine.” He was praying she would.

She frowned as she looked at him, as though trying to understand what he'd said. “Why are you here?… You're away…”

“No, I'm not. I'm right here. I came back.”

“Why?” She had no idea how badly injured she had been, which was just as well. And then instinctively, he saw her hand go to her middle section, he tried to stop her but she got there too soon. Her eyes opened wide and she looked at him, and before he could say anything, there were tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Kate, don't…” It was all he could say as he kissed her hand, and kept it to his lips. “Please, sweetheart…”

“Where's our baby?” She managed to choke out the words and then gave an animal sound, it was like a long keening wail, as she clung to him, and he reached down and held her in his arms. He was careful not to hurt her head. She knew instinctively what had happened, and there was nothing he could do to comfort her. He was just glad she was alive.

When the nurse came back, she brought the doctor in, and they were pleased to see she had regained consciousness, but the doctor told Joe in the hall she wasn't out of the woods yet. She had had a serious concussion and been in a coma for five days. Her leg was badly fractured, and she'd hemorrhaged when she lost the twins. He was anticipating a long recovery, and she would have to convalesce for several months. And he was concerned that she might not be able to get pregnant again. The damage in the accident had been considerable, and not just to the twins. But Joe felt that was the least of it, he was far more concerned about her. He didn't want more children anyway, particularly not if it was dangerous for Kate.

She was so upset when she realized she'd lost the twins that they sedated her, and Joe left for New York. He wanted to go to the office, and pick up some things at home, for both of them. He was back in Greenwich at five o'clock that afternoon. Her parents were just leaving her, and Elizabeth Jamison wouldn't even speak to him. There were tears in Clarke's eyes when he turned to Joe.

“You should have been here, Joe,” was all he said, as they left the room, and Joe didn't argue the point. But he felt Clarke's words like a knife in his heart. He could understand how they felt. Although it all seemed a little unreasonable to him. It had been sheer bad luck that she'd gotten in an accident and lost the twins. He had a right to go on business trips, after all, although maybe not to disappear on a boat for three days, with a pregnant wife at home. But he had thought she was fine. And his being there wouldn't have changed anything, except that he might not have let her drive to Connecticut. But he couldn't protect her every hour of the day. The driver who had hit her had been drunk, the tests showed. It could have happened anywhere, anytime, even if he'd been driving the car. He was just an easy scapegoat now, he felt, because he'd been gone. But none of it had been his fault or in his control. He was her husband, not God.

By the end of the week, Joe had Kate transferred to a hospital in New York. It was easier for him to see her there, and he thought it might cheer her up to see her friends if they came to visit her, but she was so depressed, she refused to see anyone. She told him she wanted to die.

He spent the weekend at the hospital with her, and they talked to Reed on the phone, but afterward all she did was cry. She was in terrible shape. He wouldn't have admitted it to anyone, but he was relieved to fly to L.A. for three days the following week. He felt totally helpless with Kate. And this time, he called and checked in every few hours.

It was the end of April when she came home from the hospital. She was on crutches with a smaller cast, and her head was fine again. She only got headaches once in a while, and they took the cast off her leg in early May. She looked like herself again, and had lost a lot of weight. But the woman Joe came home to at night was not the one he had married. It was as though the bright light he had always seen shining from her soul had gone out. She was tired and depressed most of the time, refused to go out. And most of the time, she sat home and cried. Joe had no idea what to do for her, she hardly talked to him, seldom spoke, was completely disinterested in everything he said. Seeing her like that was driving him insane.

In June, the kids went to stay with Andy and Julie for a month, and it only made things worse when Kate heard Julie was already pregnant again. She knew by then that her babies had been twins, and all she did was mourn what she could no longer have.

“Maybe it's better this way, we're too old for more kids,” Joe said awkwardly, trying to rationalize it to her. He didn't know what to say, but it only made her angry at him. “We'll have more time for each other, and you can travel with me more.” But she didn't want to go anywhere with him. He offered to take her to Europe, or the West Coast. But Kate just sat around at home.

Joe tried with everything he knew for two months to cheer her up, and then he did what he knew best. He escaped. It was too hard being with her. She was constantly angry and depressed. It was as though she blamed him, just as everyone else did, for not being there, for the accident, and the lost twins. He couldn't take it anymore. The old demon guilt was nipping at his heels again. He took every trip he could, and he needed to, he'd been home with her for a long time, and his empire was starting to show signs of strain. By the time Joe hit the road again, his nerves were raw. And all they did was argue when he called home. It was like a nightmare that just wouldn't end. He didn't want it to be that way, but he no longer knew what to do, or how to find Kate. She was lost somewhere, and the woman she'd become only drove him away.

Joe traveled constantly for three months, and by the end of summer, they felt like strangers every time he came home. She went to Cape Cod with her parents and the kids, and this time he didn't come. He stayed in L.A. He was sure her mother had plenty to say about it, but he no longer cared. She'd been hateful to him for years. And he no longer felt he had to prove anything to her, or even to Kate. He'd come home, he'd been there, he'd done everything he could, and it was no longer ever enough.

He was home for two weeks in September, and hoped by then she'd be in better spirits again, but when he told her he had to go to Japan, Kate had a fit.

“Again? When are you ever here?” She was turning into a shrew, and was already more than halfway there. Joe was sorry he'd come home at all.