Danielle Steel - Passion's Promise

“No, but I might have lost you.”

She waited a long moment before speaking, and he still held her arm. “Would it have mattered?”

“Very much. And what you have to decide now is whether or not you want to live lies for the rest of your days. Seems like a bummer to me … terrified about who’s going to see you when and where and with whom and doing what. Who gives a shit? Let them see you! Show them who you really are, or don’t you even know, Kezia? I think that’s the crux of it. Maybe K. S. Miller is as big a phony as Martin Hallam or Kezia Saint Martin.”

“Oh to hell with you, dammit!” she shouted, wresting her arm free. “It’s so goddamn easy for you to sit there and make speeches. You have absolutely nothing to lose. No one expects a damn thing of you, so how can you know what it’s like? You can do anything you bloody well please.”

“Really?” His voice was quiet again and the texture of satin. “Well, let me tell you something, Miss Saint Martin. I know about duty one hell of a lot more than you do. Only mine isn’t to a bunch of upper-class mummies. My duty is to real people, guys I served my time with who have no one to speak out for them, no families to hire lawyers or remember them or give a damn. I know who they are, I remember them, sitting on their ass waiting for freedom, locked up in the hole, forgotten after years in the joint, some of them for as long as you’ve been alive, Kezia. And if I don’t have the fucking balls to go out and do something for them, then maybe no one else will. They’re my ‘duty.’ But at least they’re real, and I guess I’m lucky, because I care about them. I don’t just do it because I have to, or because I’m scared not to. I do it because I want to. I gamble my own ass for theirs, because every time I shoot my mouth off, I run the risk of winding up right back in there with them. So tell me about duty, and having something to lose. But I’ll tell you one more thing before you do. And that’s that if I didn’t give a shit about them, if I didn’t like them, or even love them, I’d say ‘Goodbye, Charlie’ and tell them all to go fuck themselves. I’d get married again, have a bunch of kids, and go live in the country.

“Kezia, if you don’t believe in the life you’re leading, don’t live it. It’s as simple as that. Because the price you’re trying to avoid paying, you’re going to wind up paying anyway. You’re going to wind up fucking hating yourself for wasting the years and playing games you should have outgrown years ago. If you dug that life, that would be fine. But you don’t, so what are you still doing there?”

“I don’t really know. Except I don’t think I’m as ballsy as you are.”

“You’re as ballsy as you want to be. That’s bullshit. You’re just waiting for an easy way out. A petition that gives you your freedom, a man to come and take you by the hand and lead you away. Well, maybe it’ll happen like that, but it probably won’t. You’ll probably have to do it all yourself, just like everyone else.”

She was silent in answer, and he found himself wanting to hold her. He had given her a lot to swallow in one dose, but he couldn’t help himself. Now that she had opened the doors, he had to tell her what he saw. For both their sakes. But mainly for hers.

“I didn’t mean to trample all over you, babe.”

“It needed to be said.”

“You could probably level some things at me that need to be said too. I see what you’re going through, and you’re right in a sense, it is a lot easier for me. I have an army of people waiting in the wings all the time to tell me how terrific I am. Not the parole board, mind you, but people, friends. That makes a big difference, it makes it kind of an ego trip. What you’re trying to do is a lot harder. Causes carry a lot of glory, breaking away from home never does … until later. Much later. But you’ll get there. You’re already more than halfway there, you just don’t know it yet.”

“You think so?”

“I know so. You’ll make it. But we all know it’s a rough road.” As he watched her, he was once again stunned by all that he’d heard. The secrets from the depths of her soul, the confessions about her family and the insane theories about tradition and treason. It was all more than a little new to him, but intriguing nonetheless. She was the product of a strange and different world, yet a hybrid in her own way. “Where do you think that road to freedom is going to take you, by the way—to SoHo?” He wanted to know, but she laughed at him.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I have a pleasant time down there, but that’s not the real thing. Even I know that. It just helps get me through the rest of the bullshit. You know, the only thing that isn’t bullshit is K. S. Miller.”

“That’s a byline, not a human being. You’re the human being, Kezia. I think that’s what you forget. Maybe on purpose.”

“Maybe I’ve had to. Just look at my life, Luke. It’s nowhere, and the games are getting harder and harder to play. It’s all one big long game. The game of the parties, the committees, the balls and the bullshit, the game of ‘artist’s old lady in SoHo,’ the game of the gossip column. It’s all a game. And I’m tired of living in a world that’s so limited it can only bring itself to include about eight hundred people. And I don’t fit in a scene like SoHo.”

“Why? Not your class?”

“No. Just not my world.”

“Then stop poaching on other people’s worlds. Make your own. A crazy one, a good one, a bad one, whatever you want, just make it one that suits you, for a change. You make the rules. Be quiet about it if you think you have to, but at least try to respect your own trip. Don’t sell out, Kezia. You’re too smart for that. I think you realize yourself that you’ve gotten to a point where you’re going to have to make some choices.”

“I know that. I think that’s why I had the courage to invite you here. I had to. You’re a good man, I respect you. I couldn’t insult you with more lies and evasions. I couldn’t insult myself like that. Not again. It’s a question of trust.”

“I’m honored.” She looked up to see if he was making fun of her, and was touched when she saw that he wasn’t “And that makes four,” he announced.

“Four what?”

“You said there were five of you. You’ve just covered four. The heiress, the writer, the gossip columnist, and the tourist in SoHo. Who’s number five? I’m beginning to like this.” He smiled easily again, and stretched out his legs.

“So am I. And I am not a gossip columnist, by the way. It’s a ‘Society Editorial.’” She grinned primly.

“Forgive me, Mr. Hallam.”

“Indeed. The fifth me is your doing. ‘Kate.’ I’ve never told all this to anyone before. I think this marks the beginning of a new me.”

“Or the end of all the old ones. Don’t just tack another role onto the list, another game. Do it straight.”

“I am.” There was tenderness in her eyes as she watched him.

“I know you are, Kezia. And I’m glad. For both of us. No … for you.”

“You’ve given me a kind of freedom tonight, Luke. That’s a very special thing.”

“It is, but you’re wrong about my giving it to you. I told you before that no one can take your freedom from you… and no one can give it back either. You manage that one all by yourself. Keep it safe.” He leaned over and kissed her on the top of her head and then moved to whisper in her ear. “Which way’s your john?”

She laughed as she looked up into his face. He was such a beautiful man.

“The john’s down the hall to your left. You can’t miss it, it’s pink.”

“I’d be disappointed if it weren’t.” His laugh was a slow rumble as he disappeared down the hall, and she went back to the kitchen to see about their coffee. Three hours had passed.