Danielle Steel - Remembrance

B.J. had decided against the boat train to Le Havre because he thought that the trip would be too tiring for Serena, and he preferred to have one of his orderlies drive them down quietly. That way they could stop whenever they wanted, and she would feel better when they reached the ship. As it happened, Serena had no problems on the trip down, it had been an easy pregnancy from the first, and after the first three months she felt even better than she had before. They chatted all the way from Paris, he talking to her about his old life in New York, his family, his old friends, while she told him tales about her years with the nuns. It seemed as though the trip passed very quickly, and suddenly they were at the quay, their suitcases were being taken out of the car by the driver, and a few moments later a steward was escorting them up the gangplank to their cabin, as Serena looked up at the ship in awe. This was nothing like the freighter she had taken from Dover in the company of dozens of refugee children and a handful of nuns. This was a luxury liner of the first order, and as she passed down beautifully paneled halls, glanced into red-velvet-draped staterooms, and looked at the other passengers as they boarded, she realized that this was going to be a very special trip.

Serena's eyes began to dance as she turned to her husband.

He looked at her expectantly, his own excitement showing in his eyes. He had gone to a great deal of trouble to arrange for their passage on the Liberté on such short notice, and it meant a great deal to him that the trip be something special for her. He wanted her entry into his world to go smoothly, and to begin happily, and he was going to do everything in his power to see that that was the case. He already knew that his brother's wedding was very possibly going to be a difficult moment, the confrontation with Pattie Atherton was not something that Brad was looking forward to, so at least before all that they would have a grand time.

“Do you like it?”

“Brad! …” She was whispering as they sedately followed the steward to their cabin, where they knew they would find the trunks they had sent ahead a few days before. “This is marvelous! It's —it's like a palazzo!” She giggled and he laughed and tucked her hand into his arm with obvious pleasure.

“Tonight I'll take you dancing.” And then his face clouded quickly. “Or shouldn't we do that?”

She laughed at him as they walked into the cabin. “Don't be silly. Your son will love it.”

“My daughter,” he said in hushed tones, and then they both stopped speaking, because the cabin they were standing in was so spectacular that it took them both by surprise. Everything was upholstered in either blue velvet or blue satin, the walls were paneled in a deep handsome mahogany, the furniture was of the same richly burnished wood, and everywhere were small brass ornaments and fixtures, beautiful little lanterns, handsome antique English mirrors, and large airy portholes rimmed in highly polished brass. It was the perfect spot for the honeymoon they had never taken, and the whole room had an aura of comfort and luxury that made one want to stay for a year, not a week. Their trunks were already neatly placed on racks in convenient places, and their suitcases were added to them now, as the steward made a neat bow.

“The maid will be along in a moment to help Madame unpack the suitcases.” He then indicated a huge bowl of fresh fruit, a plate of cookies, and a decanter of sherry on a narrow sideboard. “We will be serving lunch shortly after we sail at one o'clock, but in the meantime perhaps the Colonel and Madame would care for some refreshments?” It was all done to perfection, and they both looked enchanted as the steward bowed once more and left the room.

“Oh, darling, it's wonderful!” She catapulted into his arms and gave him a hug.

Brad looked immensely pleased. “It's even better than I thought. God, isn't this the way to travel?” He poured them both a small glass of sherry, handed her one, and lifted his in a toast. “To the most beautiful woman I know, the woman I love”—his eyes lit up in a warm smite—”and the mother of my daughter.”

“Son,” she corrected, as she always did now, with a grin.

“May your life in the States bring you happiness, my darling. Always and always.”

“Thank you.” She looked into the glass for just a moment, and then at him. “I know it will.” She took a sip, and then held up her glass to toast him. “To the man who has given me everything, and whom I love with all my heart… may you never regret bringing your war bride home.” There was something sad in her eyes as she said it, and he took her quickly in his arms.

“Don't say that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I love you. And when you say things like that, you forget who you are. You can't ever forget who you really are, Serena. Principessa Serena.” He smiled gently at her, and she shook her head.

“I'm Mrs. Fullerton now, not ‘Principessa’ anything, and I like it that way.” And then after a moment's pause, “Don't you try to forget who you really are, Brad?” It was an impression she had had for several months now. She had begun to catch on to his game of anonymity, in staying both in the army and abroad. “Don't you really do the same thing I do?”

“Maybe.” He looked out the porthole for a long moment. “The truth is, where and who I come from has always been a burden to me, Serena.” He had never admitted that to anyone before, and it was an odd thing to admit to her now, just before they went home. “I've never quite fit. I've always been that old cliché, the ‘square peg in the round hole.’ I don't know why, but that's the way it's been. I don't think that either of my brothers feels that way. Teddy would fit anywhere, and Greg would force himself to, whether he did or not, but I can't do that. And I just don't believe in all that bullshit anymore. I never did. The values of people like Pattie Atherton, my mother, my father. Everything is for self-importance, for show. Nothing is ever done because it feels good, because it's what you want, because it means something. It's what looks good to everyone else that counts. I can't live like that anymore.”

“That's why you're staying in the army?”

“That's exactly why. Because I'm halfway decent at what I do in the army, I can live in some damn pleasant places, probably at a good healthy distance from New York, unless I get assigned to Washington at some point”—he rolled his eyes in mock horror —”and I don't have to try and play the family game anymore, Serena. I don't want to be B.J. Fullerton the Third. I want to be me, the First. Me, Brad, B.J., my own person, someone we can both respect. I don't have to go to my father's clubs or marry the daughter of my mother's friends to feel good about myself, Serena. I never did feel good about any of that, and now I know why. Because I just wasn't cut out for that. But you”—he looked at her tenderly—”you were born to be a princess. You can't run away from it, hide from it, change it, give it up, pretend it isn't there. It's you. Just like those splendid green eyes.”

“How do you know that I don't dislike it as much as you dislike what you were born to?”

“Because I know you. The only thing you don't like about it is being conspicuous, showy. You don't want to appear a snob. But you don't have basic differences with your very roots, Serena. You belong in that world, and if that world still existed, I would never have taken you from it, because right now America is a place where the people don't understand the kind of world you come from. But it's the best we've got, kiddo, and all we can do is explain it to them. And if they've got any smarts at all”—he smiled gently—”we won't have to explain a damn thing. Because what you are, the beauty and the grace and the goodness and the sheer elegance of it all is written all over you, principessa or no. It wouldn't matter if you called yourself Mrs. Jones, my love, you are a princess to your very soul.”