Danielle Steel - Remembrance

“I just did it, that's all. We were talking, and I felt dishonest not telling him the truth.” Marcella was too old and too wise to believe a word Serena was saying, but she nodded sagely and pretended to accept the tale.

“What did he say?”

“Nothing.” She smiled to herself.… That he loves me.… “I don't think that he cares about the title. Hell,” she said, grinning at Marcella, “I'm still just the upstairs maid to him.”

“Are you?” Celia watched her reactions. “Is that all you are to him, Serena?”

“Of course. Oh, well … I suppose we're friends now.…” Her words drifted off and Marcella considered for a moment, and then decided to push for an answer to the question that was on her mind.

“Do you love him, Serena?”

“Do I … why that's …” She began to bluster, and then dropping the pretense, she nodded slowly. “Yes. I do.” The old woman went to Serena to take her in her arms.

“Does he love you too?”

“I think so. But”—she sighed deeply and pulled free of the old woman's arms to wander about the room—”it doesn't mean anything though, Celia. I have to face the truth. He's here, it's the romance of Rome—the war. One day he'll go back—to the world he knows.”

“And he'll take you.” The old woman said it with pride. This special girl was, after all, like a part of herself.

“I don't think so. And if he did, it would be out of pity. It would be because he would be sorry to leave me here.”

“Good. Then go with him.” As far as Marcella saw it, everything was set. But Serena saw a great deal more than that.

“It's not that simple.”

“It is if you want it to be. Do you? Do you love him enough to go with him?”

“Of course I do. But that isn't the point. He has a life there, Celia. He isn't the kind of man to take a war bride home.…”

“War bride!” Marcella jumped to her feet. “War bride? Are you crazy? Sei pazza? You're a princess, or don't you remember? Did you remember to tell him that too?” She looked suddenly anxious and Serena laughed.

“Yes, I told him. But that's not everything. I have nothing, Celia. Not now. Nothing at all. No money, nothing. What will his family think if he comes home with me?” She had overnight become wise in the way of things, but Marcella didn't want to hear it.

“They'll think he's very lucky, that's what they'll think.” “Maybe.” But Serena didn't believe it. She was remembering the face she had seen so often in the pictures.… “My family is very fond of Partie,” she could hear him say. But would they be fond of her? It seemed unlikely. She felt ashamed now. As though she had been disgraced along with her Uncle Sergio and II Duce, her country had fallen apart around her and her life had too. She wandered out into the garden then and Marcella watched her go.

October was a dream month for Serena. She and Brad had worked out their affair with miraculous precision, and every night after dinner he went to his room, as Serena waited in hers. When Marcella went to bed, the orderlies had usually retired, and she tiptoed softly into the main house and made her way quietly up the marble staircase to his bedroom, where he waited for her with things to tell her, funny stories, sometimes a letter from his younger brother, white wine or champagne, or a plate of cookies, or photographs he had taken of her the previous weekend, which they sifted through. There was always something to share, to chuckle over, to enjoy, to discuss, and then inevitably a little while later there was the miracle of their lovemaking, the endless discoveries and pleasures she found in his arms. Eventually the photographs of Pattie had been relegated to his office, and now she never saw them at all. They spent the nights cozily tucked into his bed, and then they rose together, before the rest of the household, just before six in the morning. They sat for a moment, watching the sun come up, looking down at the familiar garden, and then with a last kiss, a last touch, an embrace, she went back to her quarters, and they each began the day. In a strange way it was like being newly married, because each lived to return to the other at the end of the day.

It was on a day at the very end of October that Serena came to him and found him upset and vague. He seemed jumpy when Serena put her arms around him, and when she said something to him about it, he appeared not to hear.

“What?” He looked up at her from the chair he'd been sitting in as he stared into the fire with a distant expression. “I'm sorry, Serena. What did you say?”

“I said that you looked worried about something, my darling.” Her voice was a whisper on his neck, and he sighed deeply and laid his head against hers.

“Not really. Just distracted.” As she looked at him closely she thought again what a proud head he had, what fine gray eyes, and now she knew also that he was both intelligent and kind. Sometimes too much so. He was a man whose greatest virtue was compassion, and he always struggled to understand and assist his men. Sometimes it made him not quite firm enough as a leader. He was never heartless. He always cared.

“What are you distracted about, B.J.?” He smiled at the nickname his men used. Serena seldom used it. When she teased him, she called him Major. Otherwise she called him Brad.

He looked at her thoughtfully now, and then decided that he had to tell her. He had wanted to wait until the next morning, but what was the point—there was never going to be a right time. “Serena …” Her heart stopped as she heard the way he said it. She knew what was coming. He was leaving Rome. “I had a telegram this morning.”. She closed her eyes as she listened, fighting back her tears. She knew she had to be brave when she heard it, but her insides had just turned to jelly. Her eyes fluttered open again quickly and she saw the pain in her eyes mirrored in his own. “Now come on, sweetheart, it's not that bad.” He took her in his arms and let his lips roam slowly over the soft spun-gold hair.

“You're leaving?” It was a hoarse whisper, and quickly he shook his head.

“Of course not. Is that what you thought?” He pulled away from her gently, his eyes loving yet at the same time sad. “No, darling. I'm not leaving. This is nothing official.” And then he decided to plunge ahead and tell her. “It's Partie. She's coming over. I'm not sure why. She says the trip is an engagement present from her father. Frankly I think that she's worried. I haven't been writing much lately and she called here the other morning, right after… I don't know. I couldn't talk to her.” He stood up and wandered slowly across the room, his eyes troubled and vague. “I couldn't say the things she wanted.” And then he turned to face Serena. “I couldn't play the game with her, Serena. I don't know. I'm not sure what to do. I probably should have written to her weeks ago, to break the engagement, but—” He looked desperately unhappy. “I just wasn't sure.”

Serena nodded slowly, the knife of pain slicing swiftly through to her very core. “You still love her, don't you?” It was more a statement than a question, and B.J. looked at her with fresh anguish in his eyes.

“I'm not sure. I haven't seen her in months now, and that was all so unreal. It was the first time I'd been home in three years. It was all so heady and so romantic, and our families were cheering us on. It was like something in a movie, I'm not sure it's something in real life.”

“But you were going to many her.”

He nodded slowly. “It's what everyone wanted.” And then he knew he had to be honest. “It was what I wanted too. It seemed so right at the time. But now …”

Serena closed her eyes for a moment as she stretched out in front of the fire, trying to bear the pain of what she knew would come. And then she looked at him again, not in anger, but in sorrow. She knew that she couldn't fight the pretty dark-haired woman. She had already won him. And Serena was no one. Just the upstairs maid, as she had said to Marcella. The ugliness of it all was that it was true.