Danielle Steel: The Promise

“Then you must still care for him a great deal.” Marie started to deny it, but then she shook her head as tears sprang to her eyes. She looked at Faye for a long time without speaking. “Nancy, do you still love him?” She had purposely used the old name.

The girl sighed deeply and let her head fall back against the couch before answering, and when she did, she looked at the ceiling and spoke in a monotone. “Maybe Nancy still loves him, what little bit of her is left. But Marie doesn't. I have a new life now. I can't afford to love him anymore.” She looked up at Faye with sorrow.

“Why not?”

“Because he doesn't love me. Because that's not real. I have to let it go now. Totally, completely. I know that. That isn't why I came here today, to cry on your shoulder about still being in love with Michael. But I needed to tell someone how I ful. I can't really talk to Peter about it; it would upset him too much, and I needed to get some of this off my chest.”

“I'm glad you did come, Marie. But I'm not sure you can just decide to let something go as simply as that, and have it fall away from you from one moment to another.”

“In truth, it fell away from me two years ago, I just didn't let go until now. I told myself I had, but I hadn't. So …” She sat up straight again and looked squarely at Faye. “I'm leaving for Boston tomorrow to attend to some business.”

“What kind of business?”

“Letting-go business.” She smiled for the first time in an hour. “There are some things I left unfinished back there, some things that Michael and I shared. I've let them stand as a monument to us, because I always thought he'd be back. Now I have to go back there and take care of it.”

“Do you really think you're ready to handle that?”

“Yes.” She sounded sure of herself, even to Faye.

“Is that what you really want to do?”

“Yes.”

“You don't want to tell Michael who you are, or rather who you were, and see what happens?”

Marie almost shuddered. “Never. That's over. Forever. And besides,” she sighed again, and looked down at her hands, “that wouldn't be fair to Peter.”

“You have to think about being fair to Marie.”

“That's why I'm going to Boston tomorrow. But I keep thinking, too, that maybe after this I'll be free to make some kind of real commitment to Peter. He's such a nice man, Faye. He's done so much for me.”

“But you don't love him.”

It was frightening to hear someone else say the words, and Marie instantly shook her head. “No, no, I do!”

“Then why the problem making a commitment?”

“Michael always stood between us.”

“That's too easy, Marie. That's a cop out.”

“I don't know.” She paused for a long time. “Something always stopped me. Something isn't … there. I guess I haven't really let myself be there. In some ways I was waiting for Michael, and in some ways it just hasn't felt… I don't know, it just doesn't feel right, Faye. Maybe it's me.”

“Why do you think it doesn't feel right?”

“Well, I'm not sure, but sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn't know me. He knows me, Marie Adamson, because that's the person he helped create. He doesn't know the person I was or the things I cared about before the accident.”

“Could you teach him about that, Marie?”

“Maybe. But I'm not sure he wants to know. He makes me feel loved, but not for myself.”

“Well, there are a lot of other fish out there, you know.”

“Yes, but he's a good man, and there's no reason why it shouldn't work.”

“No. Unless you don't love him.”

“But I do love him.” She was getting agitated as they spoke.

“Then relax, and let that problem take care of itself. You can come back here and discuss it with me, if you like. First, let's deal with your feelings about Michael.”

“I just want to get this trip east over with. Then I'll be free.”

“All right, then do that, but come and see me when you get back. Sound okay to you?”

“Very okay.” In a way, she was glad to be back. It was a relief.

With that, Faye looked at her watch regretfully and stood up. It had already been an hour and a half, and she had to teach at the university in an hour. “Will you call for an appointment when you get back?”

“The minute I do.”

“All right then, and be good to yourself when you go back there. Don't torment yourself about the past. And if you have any problems, call me.”

It was comforting to know that she could do that, and as she left, her mood felt lighter than it had all afternoon. Their conversation was going to make it easier for her to explain her decision to Peter.

Chapter 30

“Boston? But why, Marie? I don't understand.” Peter looked tired and irritable, which was rare. But it had been a long day and a tiresome meeting. All this non-sense about the new medical center. And he had to meet with the architects in the morning. Why did he have to be on the committee? He had better things to do with his time. “I think you're crazy to make the trip.”

“No, I'm not. I have to. And I'm ready. The past is over for me. Completely.”

“So completely over that when we almost had an accident in the car the other day you had hysterics for an hour. It's not over.”

“Darling, you have to trust me. I'm going to do the only thing I've left unfinished, and then I'll be free. I'll be back the day after tomorrow.”

“It's insane.”

“No. It's not.” Her voice was so quiet and firm that it stopped him, and he sat back on the couch with a tired sigh. Maybe she knew what she was doing after all.

“All right. I don't understand. But I have to hope that you know what you're doing. Will be okay back there?”

“I'll be fine. Trust me.”

“I do, darling. It's not that I don't trust you. It's that … oh, I don't know. I don't want you to get hurt. May I ask you a totally crazy question?”

Oh Jesus. She hoped it wasn't that one. Not yet. But that wasn't what he had on his mind as he watched her carefully from the couch. “Go ahead.” She waited, as though for surgery.

“Do you know that Michael Hillyard is in town?”

“I do.” She was strangely calm.

“Have you seen him?”

“Yes. He came to the gallery. He wants me to do some work for a new project of his out here. I turned him down.”

“Did he know who you were?”

“No.”

“Why didn't you tell him?”

Now was the time for her to tell him about the deal with Michael's mother, but it was too late. It didn't matter anymore. “It didn't make any difference. The past is over.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. That's why I'm going to Boston.”

“Then I'm glad.” And then he looked momentarily worried. “Does the trip have anything to do with Hillyard?” But he knew it couldn't. He was seeing Michael Hillyard in the morning.

Marie firmly shook her head. “No. Not the way you mean. It has to do with my past, Peter. And it has to do with only me. I don't want to say any more about it than that.”

“Then I'll respect that.”

“Thank you.”

He wanted to make love to her that night, but he didn't. Instead, he left quietly, with a gentle kiss. He sensed that she needed to be alone.

It was a peaceful night, and she still felt that way when she dropped off Fred at the vet the next morning. She knew exactly what she was doing, and why, and she knew it was right.

She caught the plane with plenty of time to spare, and she arrived in Boston at nine P.M. local time. She thought about driving out that night, but that was asking too much of lady luck. So she put it off until the following morning. She had already rented the car. All she had to do was drive there, and then drive back. She was taking the last plane home.