Danielle Steel - the Wedding (2000)

Alan and Carmen seemed to be well on their way to a new romance. She was happy for them, and it made her think of Brandon again, as she walked into her kitchen and listened to the messages on her machine. He wasn't supposed to call, but there was always the chance that he had anyway, or had called just to tell her he loved her.

Three of her friends and one of her associates had left messages for her, none of them urgent or even important. And then, finally, there was a message from Brandon. He had just called to say that he'd had a great time with the girls, and would talk to her on Sunday. He never mentioned the awards, hadn't watched them on television, didn't know or say anything about Carmen or her father. And it suddenly made her feel lonely again, listening to him. It was as though he was never really a part of her life, except when he chose to be, and even then only to the extent that he dared enter into it, which was never very far, or very deep. He was always a tourist. And no matter how much she felt for him, or how long their relationship went on, there was always a carefully maintained distance between them.

She nipped off the machine, and walked slowly into her bedroom, taking the pins out of her hair. It cascaded down her back, and she wasn't sure why, but there were tears in her eyes as she unzipped her dress and dropped it over the back of a chair. She was twenty-nine years old, and she wasn't even sure that any man had ever really loved her. It was an odd feeling of solitude as she stood naked in front of the mirrors in her dressing room, wondering if Brandon loved her, if he was even capable of pushing beyond the boundaries he set for himself, and being there for her, just the way she instinctively sensed that Alan wanted to be there for Carmen. It was as simple as that, Alan and Carmen had known each other for one night, and he was reaching out to her, without fear or even hesitation. And here was Brandon, after two years, like a man on a ledge, afraid to take the leap, unable to retreat, and not even willing to hold a hand out to her for comfort. She was alone. It was one of those shocking realizations that make you tremble with the terror of it in the dark of night, until you almost screamed. She was entirely alone. And wherever he was at that precise moment, so was Brandon.

Chapter 4

The first call Allegra got on Sunday morning was from Brandon. He was going out to play tennis with the girls, and he wanted to be sure he caught Allegra before she left. He knew she was leaving for New York sometime that afternoon, and he didn't want to miss her.

How did all your little chickens do? he asked with interest, but it seemed odd to her that he hadn't bothered to watch the news. He could have at least done that, for her parents' sake, if not for Carmen's. But she didn't say anything to reproach him; she was just glad he had called her.

Carmen won best actress in a film, and my father won for best producer of a feature film. And they gave him a special humanitarian award too, which is a really big deal. It was terrific. My mom, unfortunately she sighed as she said it, remembering the look of worry and defeat in her mother's eyes didn't win anything, and I think it upset her pretty badly.

You've got to be a good sport in that business, if nothing else, he said glibly, and Allegra was suddenly angry at him. The fact that he hadn't been at the ceremony was bad enough, but she didn't like him being insensitive about her mother.

It's a little more complicated than that. It has to do with the life of a show, whether or not you win an award. She's been fighting for the show's survival for the last year, and this could lose them important sponsors.

That's too bad, he said, but he didn't sound particularly sympathetic. Tell your dad I said congratulations.

I will, she said, and then he went on to tell her about the day he had spent with his daughters. And the way he changed the subject started to bother her. Seeing the way Alan had treated Carmen the night before, and even the way he had treated her, had reminded her of how sensitive some men were, how solicitous and protective. Not all men were as backed-off, or as purposefully independent as Brandon. He was totally self-sufficient, and he expected her to be equally so. He didn't want her making any demands on him. They were like two parallel ships floating side by side, but with considerable distance between them, in one ocean. But the loneliness she'd felt the night before engulfed her again as she listened to him. More and more lately, she was feeling anxious about their relationship, and abandoned whenever he wasn't there for her. She had always wanted a relationship like the one her parents shared, but she was beginning to wonder if she was even suited to it, or if she was just continuing to pick men who were unwilling to commit, as Dr. Green had suggested.

What time are you leaving for New York? he asked conversationally. She was going to meet a very important bestselling author. His agent had asked her to represent him for a film deal, and she had set up a number of other meetings in New York as well. She was going to have a very busy week, and expected to be involved in some serious negotiations.

I'm taking a four o'clock flight, she said, sounding sad, but he didn't seem to notice. She still had to pack, and she wanted to drop by and see her mother, if she had time, or at least call just to make sure she was all right after the night before. And she thought she should check on Carmen. I'll be at the Regency in New York.

I'll call you.

Good luck with your trial.

I wish I could get him to make a deal, it would go a lot better for him with the prosecutor if he would. But he's very stubborn, he said about his client.

Maybe he will at the eleventh hour, Allegra said hopefully.

I doubt it, and I've done all the groundwork by now. As usual, he was wrapped up in his own world, his own life, and Allegra felt as though she had to fight for his attention. I'll see you next weekend, he said, sounding regretful suddenly. I'm going to miss you. He sounded surprised, and she smiled at the phone. Those were the little hooks that kept her attached to him, ever hopeful. He was capable of loving her, he just didn't have much time, and he was so traumatized by his ex-wife. That was always the excuse. Trauma caused by Joanie. Allegra had explained it to everyone a thousand times. And there were instances when it was so obvious to her, and equally obvious to her that he loved her.

I miss you now, she said, her feelings raw, and there was a long beat of silence.

I couldn't help it, Allie. I had to come here this weekend.

I know. But I missed you last night. That was important to me.

I told you. I'll be there next year. He said it as though he meant it, and she smiled finally.

I'll hold you to that. But where would they be next year? Would he be divorced? Would they be married by then? Would he have overcome his fear of commitment? They were questions that still had no answers.

I'll call you tomorrow night, he promised again, and just before they hung up, he reached out and touched her heart. I love you, Al, he said softly.

I love you too, she said, squeezing her eyes shut. He was there for her, he just had his own fears and obligations to contend with. She understood that. Take care of yourself this week.

I will. You too, he said, sounding as though he was really going to miss her. It made her smile wistfully as she hung up. What they had wasn't easily acquired, but they were getting there, despite what other people thought. She just had to be patient. He was worth it.

She called her parents after that, congratulated her father again, and extended Brandon's congratulations. And then she asked to talk to her mom, and she could still hear the edge of sadness in her voice when she answered.