William Johnstone - Butchery of the Mountain Man

Professor Armbruster led Smoke to the bar. “The whiskey is good and safe here,” he said. “It’s not moonshine; it’s brought down from Canada.”

Smoke ordered a whiskey.

“Hey, old man,” someone said from the bar. “Ain’t you a little old to be out with the young people? What are you, some old pervert looking to pick up some young girl?”

“I’m afraid I’m beyond that,” Smoke said. He picked up the whiskey and held it out toward the man, who didn’t appear to be a student. “Here’s to you.”

“Hey, old man, aren’t you afraid that whiskey will make your false teeth fall out?” He laughed, and the three people with him, another man and two women, laughed as well.

“They aren’t students, are they?” Smoke asked Professor Armbruster.

“Not on your life,” Professor Armbruster replied.

“Hey, old man, look here. Don’t you wish you could do this?” He had his hand stuck down inside the top of the dress of the young woman he was with. His hand was, clearly, gripping her breast. “I’ll bet you don’t even remember what a young woman’s titty feels like.”

“Hell, Vinnie, women didn’t even have titties when he was young,” the other man said.

“Come on over, old man,” Vinnie said. “I’ll let you feel Linda’s titty.”

“Vinnie, no you won’t,” Linda said, pulling his hand away from her. “You act like that, I’m not even goin’ to let you feel it.”

“Ah, ha, Vinnie, you’ve stepped in it now,” the other man said, laughing at him.

“Hey, old man, this is all your fault,” Vinnie said, continuing his harassment of Smoke. “Now, you come here and apologize to my girl. You hear me? You come over here and apolo—”

That was as far as Vinnie got before Smoke, in a lightning, and totally unexpected move, brought a roundhouse right, connecting with Vinnie’s jaw and dropping him to the floor. It was doubly effective as the first half of the swing had been hidden from Vinnie’s view because of Smoke’s position at the bar.

“Hey, you old son of a bitch! That was my friend you just hit!” the other man shouted and he picked up a barstool, lifting it over his head.

“Huh, uh, not a smart move,” Smoke said, and to the surprise of the man holding the barstool, as well as everyone else in the speakeasy, Smoke was holding a .44 pistol in his hand, the hammer back.

“You . . . you have a gun,” the man said, surprised.

“Yes, I do, don’t I?”

The man started to put the barstool back down.

“No,” Smoke said. “If you move that barstool so much as one inch, I’ll kill you where you stand.”

“I’m not going to hit you with it, I’m just going to put it down.”

“No, you aren’t. You’re going to hold it until I tell you, you can put it down.”

“What? Are you crazy?”

Smoke shook his head. “I might be. Or maybe I’m just senile. I am an old man, as you and Vinnie have been pointing out to me.”

The man continued to hold the stool over his head, and by now the dancers had stopped dancing, and the band had stopped playing. Everyone was watching the drama play out before them.

“Please, mister, this stool is getting heavy.”

“Is it, now? And that’s what you were going to bring crashing down on my head? A barstool? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? You were going to hit an old man in the head with a heavy barstool? Something like that could have killed me. You know, I believe I could shoot you right now, and claim that it was self-defense. I don’t believe any jury in the state would convict me.”

“No, mister, please, no! Don’t kill me!”

“It’s your own fault, Eddie,” the other woman said. “Vinnie was being a fool. You had no business getting involved.”

Eddie’s arms started shaking.

“My God, mister, I can’t hold it any longer! I’m going to drop this stool and you’re going to shoot me!”

“That’s right,” Smoke said calmly. “If you so much as move that stool by one inch, I’m going to shoot you.”

A wet stain appeared on the front of Eddie’s pants.

“Miss, would you take the stool from him, please?” Smoke said. “Eddie seems to have had an accident.”

“Look at that, he peed in his pants!” one of the college students said, pointing to Eddie.

The young woman took the stool down, and Eddie doubled over in pain and embarrassment.

Vinnie sat up, groaning, and rubbing his jaw. “What happened?” he asked.

“Apparently, you tripped over the footrail,” Smoke said.

By this time nearly everyone else in the speakeasy had gathered around, and confident now that there wasn’t going to be a shooting, they all laughed.

“What the hell is everyone laughing at?” Vinnie asked. Then seeing the front of Eddie’s pants, he laughed as well. “Damn, Eddie, you pissed in your pants!”

“Let’s go,” Eddie said.

“I’m not ready to go anywhere,” Vinnie complained.

“Stay if you want to. Remember, I drove.”

Eddie started toward the door, and both of the women went with him.

“Wait a minute, what’s goin’ on here?” Vinnie shouted. He turned toward Smoke. “I’ve got a feeling you’re behind . . . you’re holding a gun in your hand. Are you crazy? I’m going to call the cops.”

“Right, you are going to call the police and bring them to a speakeasy,” Smoke said. “Where everyone in here would be subject to arrest. And by the way, I’m a deputy United States marshal. I not only have the right to have a pistol, I also have the authority to arrest you right now, for consuming alcohol.”

“What are you talking about, arresting me? Everyone in here is drinking.”

“Really? It looked to me like they were all dancing. You are the only one I actually saw drinking.”

Very pointedly, Smoke picked up his glass and took a drink of whiskey.

“Get out of here, mister,” one of the college kids said to Vinnie. “Or we’ll throw you out.”

With a final look of hate and anger toward Smoke, Vinnie turned and hurried toward the door, chased by the laughter of the others.

When Smoke turned back to the bar, Professor Armbruster was laughing. “Last night I told Edna I would like to have seen you in your prime. By damn, I think I just did.”

When Smoke returned to the Boulderado Hotel, he saw that china and silver had been laid out on the table in the suite’s dining room. Two unlit candles were in the middle of the table, and Sally was standing by the table, dressed in an evening gown.

Smoke smiled at her. “I don’t know who you are, you young hussy, but you can just get out of this room now. I’m happily married to a sixty-eight-year-old woman, and I don’t need some floozy here, trying to make me go astray.”

Sally laughed. “How you do carry on. You are so full of blarney. Your tuxedo is laid out on the bed. Please change into it.”

“My tuxedo? What are you talking about? I didn’t bring a tux.”

“Yes, you did. I packed it. And tonight, I want you to wear it.”

Reluctantly, Smoke went into the bedroom, where he saw his tux laid out on the bed. The last time he had worn the tux was at the world premiere of the movie Guns of the West , in which the actor Tom Mix portrayed Smoke. In fact, that was the only time he had ever worn the tux.

When he came out of the bedroom, Sally flashed a big smile. “My, my, it’s true what they say, you know.”

“What is true?”

“Men, at least, some men, never age. They just get more distinguished looking, and more handsome. I’m glad we are dining in tonight. I would hate to have to fight off all the young ladies who would be throwing themselves at you.”

“Now who is full of blarney?” Smoke teased. He kissed her, and was still kissing her when there was a knock on the door.