S. Bolton: Dead Scared

Evi crossed the kitchen and filled the kettle. She’d just switched it on when something scraped along the kitchen window. She jumped so high in the air she almost fell over.

‘Just the tree,’ she told herself, realizing she still hadn’t taken her painkillers. ‘Just that blessed tree again.’

Evi’s kitchen overlooked the rear walled garden, which led down to the river bank. A massive cedar tree grew just beyond the house and its lower branches had a habit of scratching against the ground-floor windows when the wind was strong.

Evi took her painkillers, waited a few minutes for the effect to kick in and then ate as much as she could manage. She cleared the plates and pushed herself through to the bedroom, only stopping to pick up the fir cone from the mat. She pushed it back through the letter box without so much as a shudder. The ones from her kitchen table were outside in the rubbish bin.

She turned on the bathroom taps and started to undress. On her bedside table was an opened letter. It had arrived a few days ago in a thick padded envelope. She’d shaken it over the bed and watched shells, pebbles, dried seaweed and, finally, a snapshot of a family fall out. The photograph lay face up on the table. Mum, dad, young children. They’d been patients of hers the previous year and had turned into friends. They’d just bought a semi-derelict bungalow on the coast road of Lytham St Annes in Lancashire and come the spring, the mother had written, planned to demolish the house and build their new dream home. It would be their second attempt; their first hadn’t worked out too well. Evi was welcome, the letter insisted, to visit any time. There had been no mention of Harry.

Knowing she shouldn’t, Evi opened the drawer of the bedside table and pulled out a newspaper article that she’d found on an internet archive. She didn’t bother reading the words, she knew them off by heart. She just needed to look at his face.

The bath would be filling up. Just one more second to look at hair that was somewhere between strawberry blond and honey, at light brown eyes, square jaw and lips that always seemed to be curved in a smile, even when he was trying, as in the picture, to look serious. Just one more second to wonder when the good days, the ones when she could push him to the back of her mind like old memories, would outnumber the bad ones, when he was hammering at the front, so vivid she could almost smell the lime and ginger fragrance of his skin. Just one more second to wonder when the pain was going to go away.

By the time the water began to go cold, Evi was almost asleep. She pressed the button that would activate the lift and bring her out of the bath. She managed to stand unaided for long enough to dry herself and rub body lotion into her skin. You have such soft skin , he’d whispered to her once. As she left the bathroom, there were tears in her eyes and she didn’t even bother telling herself that it was just the pain, so much worse at night lately, that was making her cry.

She hadn’t seen the message on the bathroom mirror, which only the steam from the hot water had made visible.

I can see you , it said.

‘SINISTER HOW?’ I asked Joesbury.

‘Dr Oliver believes there is – and I’m reading directly from notes now – a subversive subculture of glamorizing the suicidal act,’ said Joesbury. ‘She thinks these kids, backed up by an online network, are egging each other on.’

‘People said that about Bridgend,’ I said.

‘Always very difficult to prove,’ said Joesbury. ‘But there are documented cases of suicide pacts, of people meeting, usually online, and deciding to end it all together. They give each other the courage to go through with it.’

I nodded. I’d read about such cases from time to time.

‘More disturbing,’ Joesbury went on, ‘is a trend of what I can only call bottom-feeders accessing websites and chat rooms specifically to find depressed and vulnerable people. They strike up friendships, pretend to be concerned, but all the while they’re pushing them towards topping themselves. And there are websites where suicidal people go to talk to like-minded others, discuss which methods are most effective, get a bit of courage together for when they finally take the plunge.’ Joesbury looked down at his notes again. ‘Dr Oliver calls it negative reinforcement,’ he said, ‘sometimes deliberate and malicious, of self-destructive urges.’

‘She sounds a laugh a minute,’ I said.

‘Dana tells me she’s a bit of a babe,’ said Joesbury, with a smile I could cheerfully have slapped off him.

‘So assuming I agree,’ I said, ‘what exactly will I be investigating?’

‘You won’t be investigating as such,’ said Joesbury. ‘At this stage it doesn’t merit a full investigation. Your job will be to spend some time with this Dr Oliver, let her know we’re taking her seriously.’

‘So I’m a token gesture to keep her happy?’ I interrupted.

‘Not entirely. We also need you to immerse yourself in student life and report back on anything out of the ordinary. You’ll pay particular attention to the online websites and chat rooms that fly around the Fenland ether. You’ll be our eyes on the inside.’

I was silent for a second or two.

‘We need you to be the sort of student who might be thinking about suicide,’ Joesbury went on. ‘Needy, a bit vulnerable, prone to depression. We also want you to get yourself noticed, so you need to step it up a bit with the appearance. Good-looking fruitcake. That’s what we want.’

‘So, absolutely nothing suspicious came up at Bryony’s post-mortem?’ I asked, more because I was playing for time than because I needed to know right there and then.

‘There hasn’t been one.’

I waited while Joesbury flicked through the stack of photographs, pulled one out and turned it to face me. It showed a figure lying on a hospital bed, beneath a transparent tent, grotesquely swollen and so completely enveloped in dressings it resembled an Egyptian mummy. Both arms were stretched out from her body at right angles. A spaghetti-like mass of wires and tubes seemed to be growing out of her.

‘She’s still alive?’ I said, without the faintest idea why that should be so much worse, only knowing that it was.

‘This was taken twenty-four hours after she was admitted,’ said Joesbury. ‘Nobody really expected her to survive. Three weeks on, she’s managed to fight off infection, avoid going into shock and hasn’t suffered respiratory collapse. She may even recover. How much she’ll be able to tell us though is a moot point. Her tongue was burned away.’

Not a lot you can say to that. ‘What do you want me to do?’

‘Read the file,’ he replied. ‘Think about it. Dana wants you to call her. She’ll be trying to talk you out of it.’

I looked up. ‘Will you be going?’ I asked. ‘To Cambridge, I mean.’

Turquoise eyes narrowed. ‘Not necessary at this stage,’ he said. ‘I’ll be popping in and out to keep an eye on you, but 90 per cent of the fieldwork will be down to you.’

It was how SO10 worked. Junior officers were sent into situations first, often for a year or more, to gather intelligence and report back. As a clearer picture emerged, the heavier guns got deployed.

‘Can you see me as an eccentric don?’ Joesbury was saying. ‘Bow tie and tweeds? Long flowing gown? Untidy wig?’

With his muscular frame and scarred face, Joesbury always reminded me of a half-tamed thug. He was smiling at me again. It was always the smile that was hardest to deal with. Better by far just not to look at it. Better to leave now. Business was done. On the table, the file had been closed, its contents hidden from view. The orange wig was a few inches away from me.