Кадзуо Исигуро - Klara and the Sun

I know this isn’t disorientation, because if I wish to, I can always distinguish one memory from another, and place each one back in its true context. Besides, even when such composite memories come into my mind, I remain conscious of their rough borders – such as might have been created by an impatient child tearing with her fingers instead of cutting with scissors – separating, say, the Mother at the waterfall and my diner booth. And if I looked closely at the dark clouds, I would notice they were not, in fact, quite in scale in relation to the Mother or the waterfall. Even so, such composite memories have sometimes filled my mind so vividly, I’ve forgotten for long moments that I am, in reality, sitting here in the Yard, on this hard ground.

The Yard is large, and from my special place here, the only tall object I can see is the construction crane in the far distance. The sky is very wide and open, and if Rick and I were once more crossing Mr McBain’s fields – especially now the grass has been cut – the sky might appear to us just like this. The wide sky means I’m able to watch the Sun’s journeys unimpeded, and even on cloudy days, I’m always aware of where he is above me.

I thought when I first came here that the Yard was untidy, but I’ve now come to appreciate its good order. The initial impression, I realized, was due to many of the objects here having in themselves an untidy identity – with the remains of severed cables protruding or with dented grille panels. On closer observation it becomes clear how hard the yardmen have worked to place each piece of machinery, crate or bundle into orderly rows, so that a visitor walking down the long passages that have been created in this way – even if that visitor must be careful not to trip on a rod or wire – will be able to take in the objects one by one.

Because of the wide sky and lack of tall objects, I become quickly aware of any visitors in the Yard. I spot their figures even if they are far in the distance and only small shapes moving among the rows. But visitors aren’t frequent, and when I hear human voices, they most often belong to the yardmen calling to each other.

Sometimes birds will come down from the sky, but they soon discover there is little in the Yard to interest them. Not long ago a group of dark birds descended in elegant formation to perch on some machinery not far in front of me, and I thought for a moment they might be Rick’s birds sent to observe me. Of course they weren’t Rick’s birds, but natural ones, and they remained calmly perched on the machinery for some time, not moving at all, even as the wind ruffled their coats. Then they flew off all at once.

Around the same time, a kind yardman stopped in front of me and told me there were three AFs on the South Side, and two in the Ring. If I wished, he said, he could transport me to one or the other of these areas. But I told him I was content with my special spot, and he nodded and went on his way.

Several days ago, there was a very special incident.

Although I’m not able to move from place to place, I can turn my head easily to see everything around me. So I’d been aware for some time of the long-coated visitor moving behind me. Once, when I turned, the figure was in the mid-distance, and I saw it was that of a woman, and that she was wearing at the end of a strap a pouch-like bag. Whenever she leaned forward to examine an item on the ground, the bag would swing before her. Because she was behind me, I couldn’t keep close watch on her, and then for a while – perhaps another memory had presented itself – I stopped thinking about her altogether. Then I heard a sound and the long-coated visitor was standing there before me. And even before she crouched down to look at my face, I recognized Manager, and happiness filled my mind.

‘Klara. It is Klara, isn’t it?’

‘Yes, of course,’ I said, smiling up at her.

‘Klara. How wonderful. Just a moment. Let me bring something to sit on.’

She returned, dragging a small metal crate that made an unpleasant noise along the rough ground. When she placed it in front of me and sat down, despite the wide sky behind her, I was able to observe her face clearly.

‘I’ve been hoping I’d find you here. Once, oh, almost a year ago now, I found something here in this yard, and I thought for a moment it was you, Klara. But it wasn’t. But this time it’s definitely you. I’m so glad.’

‘I’m happy to see Manager again.’

She went on smiling at me. Then she said: ‘I wonder what you can be thinking just now. To see me again after all this time. It must be so confusing.’

‘I feel only happiness to see Manager again.’

‘Then tell me, Klara. Have you all this time – until you came here, I mean – have you all this time been with the people you went to from the store? Forgive my asking, but I no longer have easy access to such information.’

‘Yes, of course. I was with Josie all the time. Until she went to college.’

‘So it was successful. A successful home.’

‘Yes. I believe I gave good service and prevented Josie from becoming lonely.’

‘I’m sure you did. I’m sure she barely knew the meaning of loneliness with you there.’

‘I hope not.’

‘You know, Klara. Of all the AFs I looked after, you were certainly one of the most remarkable. You had such unusual insight. And observational abilities. I noticed it right away. I’m so glad to hear it all went well. Because you never know, even with abilities as remarkable as yours.’

‘Does Manager still look after AFs?’

‘No. Oh, no. That finished some time ago.’ She glanced around the Yard, then smiled at me again. ‘That’s why I like to come here from time to time. I sometimes go to the yard at Memorial Bridge. But I like this place the best.’

‘Does Manager come…just to look for AFs from her store?’

‘Not just that. I like to collect little souvenirs.’ She indicated her pouch bag. ‘They don’t allow us to take anything substantial. But smaller things, they don’t mind. The workers here know me. But you’re right. Whenever I come here I’m hoping to come upon one of my old AFs.’

‘Did you ever come across Rosa?’

‘Rosa? Yes, actually I did. I found her here, oh, it must be at least two years ago. Things didn’t go as well for Rosa as they did for you.’

‘So she didn’t like her teenager?’

‘It wasn’t so much that. But you mustn’t worry. Never mind Rosa. Tell me about you. You had such a special ability. I hope your child came to appreciate it.’

‘I think she did. Everyone in the house was very kind to me. I was able to learn so many things.’

‘I remember the day they came in and chose you. The lady testing you first, asking you to walk like the daughter. It made me worry. After you left, I kept thinking about it.’

‘There was no need for Manager to worry. It was the best home for me. And Josie was the best teenager.’

Manager, for a moment, remained silent, gazing at me and smiling. So I continued:

‘I did all I could to do what was best for Josie. I’ve thought about it many times now. And if it had become necessary, I’m sure I could have continued Josie. But it’s much better the way it turned out, even though Rick and Josie aren’t together.’

‘I’m sure you’re right, Klara. But what do you mean, “continue Josie”? What’s that mean?’

‘Manager, I did all I could to learn Josie and had it become necessary, I would have done my utmost. But I don’t think it would have worked out so well. Not because I wouldn’t have achieved accuracy. But however hard I tried, I believe now there would have remained something beyond my reach. The Mother, Rick, Melania Housekeeper, the Father. I’d never have reached what they felt for Josie in their hearts. I’m now sure of this, Manager.’