Douglas, Nelson - Midnight Louie 05-Cat in a Diamond Dazzle

Politically correct oils no hinges with Miss Savannah Ashleigh. "She is not an animal!"

"Cat?"

"Hmmph." Miss Savannah Ashleigh swivels on the ball of her high heels to turn her back on the Italian loafers and the unenlightened person in them.

"She is not a cat? The manufacturer will be pretty upset to hear that."

Miss Savannah Ashleigh bows low without bending her knees, a maneuver that keeps her posterior high in the air like a lady cat's in heat, which presents the director with much more to think about than the precise nature of the Divine Yvette.

The Divine One snarls prettily as her mistress wrests her from the feather into her arms and next to her face. She straightens-- the mistress, not the questionable Yvette.

"Mommy's little sweetums is not a nasty old animal! She is a little fairy princess yummy-nummums with an ancient, wise soul. She does not chase foolish toys or need hallucinatory substances to perform.

She is a natural star, like Mommums."

If that is truly the case, the Divine Yvette, the Italian Loafers and the catglop commercial are in trouble-wubble.

The director suddenly decides to direct. He plucks Mommy's yummy-nummums (I do have to agree with Miss Savannah Ashleigh's besotted estimation, for vastly different reasons) from the vicinity of Mommy's facey-wacey.

"Sit down, Miss Ashleigh," he says. "It will be over much more quickly if you let us do our jobs."

Moving to a set surrounded by a convocation of tripods and cameras, he plunks the Divine Yvette down on a Plexiglas balustrade. A crystal chandelier has been lowered from the high ceiling to twinkle and flash above the Divine Yvette's perch like a diamond waterfall. Nearby sits a long banquet table covered in the tea rose-pink damask that matches the pale pink pads of the Divine One's silver-velvet feet and the center of her tiny triangular nose set like a rosy pearl in a thin bezel of black enamel. She looks adorable, and she is still mad, thanks to sequential bouts of feather-sniffing, catnip-licking and Mommy-mauling.

"Where is the other cat?" The director turns to the crew while Miss Savannah Ashleigh settles back in the pink canvas director's chair that matches the Divine Yvette's carrier and apparently accompanies her everywhere as well.

"Yvette does not need a costar," Miss Savannah Ashleigh sniffs in a soft, injured tone.

Did she not need the dough from this venture, one can be sure that Miss Savannah Ashleigh would not be here. In fact, she gasps as a woman on the staff darts toward the Divine Yvette and backs away to reveal a pink-ice cubic zirconium collar circling my beloved's delicate neck.

Miss Savannah Ashleigh sits up indignantly. "I hope that I... that she will be able to keep that after the shoot."

The director rolls his eyes and curls his toes in butter-soft, and colored, Italian leather. "I am certain that can be arranged, Miss Ashleigh."

It is obvious to both him and me that the trinket will be adorning the Ashleigh wrist rather than the Divine Yvette throat from now on.

My poor lady love! Forced to labor under the influence wearing confining gems destined for her greedy mistress. There should be laws against this sort of thing. And the alien, intrusive male has not even made an appearance yet. This entire scene begins to smack of a forced mating, with my captured darling decked out for the harem.

"All right." At the director's nod, the same woman who had collared my lady love waves the feathered lash before the Divine One's pink pearl of a nose.

The Divine Yvette's blue-green eyes widen to perfect, baby-doll circles as her platinum whiskers tremble. She leaps along the balustrade, balancing like a Chinese acrobat, as airborne as a prima ballerina performing Swan Lake. (Speaking of Swan Lake, I wonder if that is an upscale version of Duck Pond . I have enjoyed games of cat-and-mouse in such vicinities.) Despite the weight of the alien collar, the Divine One floats like a butterfly ... and stings like Ali, fiercely boxing tiny turquoise curls from the plume that catch in her silver neck ruff like falling stars. Miss Savannah Ashleigh is right about one thing: the Divine Yvette is a born performer. A catfood manufacturer could sell worm-steak with this pussums!

In a few airy hops, she has lofted atop the pink damask table-cloth, the camera dollying in the feathery wake of her pendulum tail. Now her sensitive nose detects the point of the exercise. A fresh dollop of A La Cat fills a footed, cut-crystal dessert dish at a place setting fit for the Queen, or at least her first cousin.

Yet while the camera captures the Divine Yvette's cavorting, I notice sinister background preparations. A mullioned window stands alone, propped up by wooden supports. A black curtain behind it signifies deepest night, and also black intentions, for I see a familiar mug poking out of a familiar carrying case.

It is yellow, as are the two slitted-pupil eyes in that notorious face. Maurice, the Yummy Tum-tum-tummy cat, is about to make his entrance.

I watch as he is pulled from the carrier and his big, splayed mitts are posed on the supposed windowsill. With a little prodding from behind and another plumed stick waving like a turquoise carrot before him, he leaps atop the narrow sill and teeters for a moment.

I turn to see the Divine Yvette in closeup, sampling the proffered catfood in innocent cooperation.

Little does she know she is about to be accosted by a gate-crashing camera hog.

A gentle push from behind encourages Maurice to take his mighty leap to join the Divine Yvette on the tabletop. I launch myself from beneath that very table like twenty pounds of avenging hellhound.

We meet in midair, claws out, tails curled, camera rolling. Maurice's surprised yowl is drowned out by my superb battle cry. After batting him down like a butterfly, I turn (with my best side to the camera) and jump up to join the Divine Yvette atop the table.

"Louie!" she greets me, pausing to lick her whiskers feline-clean.

We sniff noses to insure that a body double has not been slipped in somewhere. She is not unduly upset, but the vanquished Maurice and the director are livid, I notice.

"Ahhhh!" Miss Savannah Ashleigh has risen to the occasion, but is shocked motionless. She clutches her purse to her breast like a baby, and wails.

Maurice growls fiercely from the floor and tries to jump up. I do not even have to biff him again. The Divine Yvette watches with contempt, then bats at him when his whiskers are within striking distance.

The blow is anemic, but enough to startle Maurice out of his stripes. He lands like a sack of soggy potatoes, and stays there. The Divine Yvette sure is cute when she is mad, which I tell her.

"I am not mad, Louie," she says with a dainty shrug. "I am eating.

At that, she resumes to consume, as is her duty. What a pro!

I sniff the edge of her bowl, then back off. I have just gotten a good whiff of the muck she is eating.

What a pro!

By then the director, the collar lady, the cameramen and Miss Savannah Ashleigh are all converging on me with contorted faces and unintelligible growls, howls and yowls.

I leap for my life, spinning a gold-rimmed plate to the floor along with some silverware that feels as heavy as a Buccalatti service for twelve. The crash and clang of the falling place setting muffles the humans' naughty words, so my darling does not have to hear them.

The last I see of the Divine Yvette is her piquant little kisser buried to the nostrils in A La Cat.

The last I see of Maurice the rum-turn tiger, Yummy Tum-tum-tummy cat is his yellow-striped hindquarters being stuffed unceremoniously into a portable plastic cubicle like so much dog-meat. Too bad it is not a Dumpster.

Chapter 24