Steel, Danielle: The House On Hope Street

“He just said it to be nice,” Liz said with tears springing to her eyes again … God, it was so impossible to think he wasn’t there. Where was he? She wanted him back, now. Only yesterday morning they had lain in the same bed she was lying on, and they had made love the night before that. Tears poured down her cheeks as she thought of it. She was never going to make love again, never be with him again, never love anyone again. Her life felt like it was over, as much as his.

“You know case law better than any other attorney I know.” Victoria tried to drag Liz’s mind back to the immediate present. She could almost see all the horrors that Liz was thinking, whether or not she voiced them. “Jack was just showy in the courtroom, like me, we’re both bluffers.” It was hard to remember not to speak of him as though he were still with them.

“Yeah, and look where it got him. I told him yesterday that Phillip Parker would kill her if we messed with his business and his assets. I just didn’t know he’d kill Jack too.” She dissolved in tears again as she said it, and Victoria sat down on the bed and held her until the wave had abated, and by then Liz’s mother was standing in the bedroom doorway.

“How is she?” Her mother looked directly at Victoria, as though Liz were unconscious and couldn’t hear them, and in some ways she was, she felt as though she were having an out-of-body experience, and was watching everything that happened from a place somewhere on the ceiling.

“I’m okay, Mom. I’m fine.” It was a dumb thing to say, but what else could she say? It was as though she had to prove to her mother that she could do this. If not, she might prove her mother right and lose her house and her practice.

“You don’t look it,” her mother said grimly. “Tomorrow, you should wash your hair and put on makeup.” Tomorrow, I should die so I don’t have to live through this, Liz wanted to say to her, but couldn’t. There was no point fighting with her on top of everything else. They had enough to worry about now, without adding family feuds into the bargain. Jack hadn’t been close to his brother either, but at least he was there, and it was nice for the children to see him, Jack’s parents, and her mother and brother.

She and Victoria lay in bed late that night, talking about him, and what had happened. It was a nightmare none of them would ever forget, and probably never recover from. Liz had already spoken to several people on the phone that day who had told her she’d never get over it, particularly a traumatic death like this, and two others had told her that the best thing she could do was get out in the world again as soon as possible, she might even be married again in six months, who knew, she might get lucky. Lucky? How did they figure that, and where did they get the courage to tell her what to do? Sell the house, move away, move into town, take a new associate in with her, give it up, what to tell the kids, what not to tell the kids, buy a dog, have him cremated, throw the ashes off the bridge, don’t let the kids attend his funeral, make sure they see him before the casket was closed, make sure they don’t so they don’t remember him that way. Everyone had free advice to give, and an endless stream of opinions. She was already exhausted from listening to them. But all it boiled down to in the end was that Jack was gone, and she was on her own now.

She didn’t fall asleep until five o’clock that morning, and Victoria lay awake and let her talk all night. And at six o’clock Jamie came in, and climbed into bed with them.

“Where’s Daddy?” he asked, as he lay next to her, and Liz could feel her whole body shudder as he asked her. Was it possible he’d forgotten? Maybe it was so traumatic for him he’d repressed it.

“He died, sweetheart. A bad man shot him.”

“I know,” he said sensibly, looking up at her as they lay side by side in the bed that his father had slept in only a day before. “I mean now, where is he?” Jamie looked at her as though she were silly for thinking he’d forget, and she smiled sadly at him.

“He’s at the funeral home, we’re going there today. But he’s really up in Heaven with God.” At least she hoped that was true and that everything she’d always believed was the way it happened. She hoped that he was happy and at peace, as she’d been told. But in her heart of hearts, she wasn’t sure yet. She still wanted him back too much to entirely believe that.

“How can he be in two places?”

“His spirit, everything about him that we know and love, is in Heaven with God, and right here with us, in our hearts. His body is at the funeral home, kind of like he’s sleeping.” Tears squeezed out of her eyes as she said it, and Jamie nodded, satisfied with her response.

“When will I see him again?”

“When we go to Heaven to be with him. Not till you’re very, very old.”

“Why did the bad man shoot him?”

“Because he was very angry, and very crazy. He shot someone else too. And he killed himself, he won’t come back here to hurt us.” She wondered if that was what he was thinking, and she wanted to allay his fears, whether or not he voiced them.

“Did Daddy do something bad to him?” It was a good question.

“Daddy did something that made him very angry, because the man had done some bad things to his wife. Daddy asked the judge to take away some money from him.”

“Did he shoot Daddy to get back his money?”

“Sort of.”

“Did he shoot the judge too?”

“No. He didn’t.” Jamie nodded, mulling over what she’d said to him, and then he lay in bed next to her, just holding her close to him, and Victoria got up and went to take a shower. It was going to be a long day for all of them, and she wanted to get ready so she could help Liz in every way she could. It was going to be an unthinkably awful day for Liz and the children.

In the end, it was even worse than Victoria, or Liz, had expected. The entire family went to the funeral home, and they broke into sobs the moment they saw the casket. There were flowers standing next to it, and a spray of flowers on top of it, Liz had asked for white roses for him, and the smell of them was heavy in the room when they entered. And for a long time, there was only the sound of sobs, and finally Victoria and James took the children away, and led Liz’s mother away with them, and Liz was left alone with the mahogany casket she had chosen for him, and the man she had loved for nearly twenty years resting inside it.

“How could this happen?” she whispered as she knelt next to him. “What am I going to do without you?” The tears streamed down her cheeks as she knelt on the worn carpet and rested a hand on the smooth wood. It was all so inconceivable, so unbearable, so much more than she had ever thought she could bear, except that now she had to. She had no choice. This was the hand that life had dealt her, and she had to live through it, if only for her children.

Victoria came to get her after a while, they went out to get something to eat, but Liz couldn’t eat anything. The children were talking by then, and Peter teased the girls to cheer them up, and kept an eye on his mother as he sat next to Jamie and told him to eat his hamburger. They had all suddenly grown up overnight. It was as though Peter could no longer allow himself the luxury of being a teenager, but had become a man. Even the girls seemed more grown up suddenly, and Jamie less of a baby. They were all doing their best to be strong and be there for their mother and each other.

Carole drove the children home after they ate, and the others went back to the funeral home with Liz. And all afternoon people came to pay their respects, and cry, and comfort Liz, and chat with each other outside the funeral home. It was like an endless cocktail party, with tears, and no food, and Jack in the casket at the end of the room. Liz kept waiting for him to step out of it and tell them all it was a terrible joke and it had never happened. But it had, and it seemed to go on forever.